


Caught in the undertow

by Cinder7storm4



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst, Barba and Sonny's daughter, Barba is a good dad, Barisi - Freeform, Barisi dads, Carisi is a good dad, Depression, F/M, Family Bonding, Family Drama, Family Dynamics, Family Feels, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Harvard University, Hiding Medical Issues, Ivy League, Judge Barba, M/M, Noah and Cat are BFFs, Olivia is a good mother, Sergeant Carisi - because, Stress, Teen Angst, The Carisi clan - Freeform, The squad is helpful, college stress, fear of the future
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-17
Updated: 2018-08-13
Packaged: 2018-12-03 12:49:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 50
Words: 68,896
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11532582
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cinder7storm4/pseuds/Cinder7storm4
Summary: Barba and Carisi's daughter is applying to colleges and she's stressed. Actually, Catalina is beyond stressed but she doesn't want to disappoint her dads so she won't tell them that she's struggling. Her best friend Noah Benson has something to say about all of this.*Minimal updates throughout August.*Work title from "Numb" by Linkin Park





	1. The Second Set of SATs

**Author's Note:**

> I don't own Law and Order:SVU - Catalina Barba-Carisi is my OC though (she is not canon).
> 
> Dun, dun.

“What’re you looking at?” Noah Benson leaned over Cat’s shoulder to look at the computer screen. She tried to flip her hair in his face but he avoided her dark brown locks easily, “Are those your SAT scores?” asked Noah, “But you already had them.”

Cat exited out of the site, twirling in her desk chair to fix him with the patented Barba stare, “I took them again,” she replied shortly.

“Why?” asked Noah, “Your scores were practically perfect.”

“Don’t you have schoolwork to do, Benson?” she bit back, “Or do they not set work at Hudson?”

“Hilarious deflection Cat,” Noah deadpanned, “You still haven’t answered my question about the SATs.”

“Because it’s none of your business.”

“Catalina…” Noah said.

“Oh, full name, I’m so intimidated,” replied Cat as she got out of her chair to stretch. Her back hurt, how long had she been working? She squashed her eyes shut, the sight of her new SAT scores seemingly imprinted on the backs of her eyelids. She opened her eyes with a sigh. Noah was still there, leaning on her doorway, fixing her with an unimpressed look. Cat knew from experience that Noah was stubborn, but he wasn’t as stubborn a Carisi or a Barba, of which she was both - she could outlast him. She walked out of her room, not paying him any mind, and headed to the kitchen to grab a snack. She couldn’t remember if she’d eaten lunch that day or not.

As she opened the fridge, Noah slumped up against the kitchen cabinets to fix her with his gaze, “Seriously, you’re in your second year of College - don’t you have better things to do than hang out with a high school senior?”

He shrugged, “What can I say, I like slumming,” he smirked.

“You really know how to make your friends feel valued don’t you?” she snarked back.

“You also wouldn’t text me back, which is majorly against the BFF code, by the way,” he chirped, a smile on his face but concern in his eyes.

Cat finally closed the fridge, two apples in her hand. She pulled out a knife and cutting board as she avoided Noah’s eyes, “Is that written down somewhere?” she tried, halfheartedly, to snap back but she was just too tired to come up with anything else. As if on cue, to emphasize her shaky mindset her right hand began to shake, slightly and uncontrollably. She put down the knife to grip the edge of the countertop and Noah came over to her, fitting his hand over her shaking one. The two friends just stood there for a few moments, in silence, until Cat’s hand stopped shaking. Noah took his hand away and stepped back. “It wasn’t good enough,” Cat almost spat out, quietly.

“The scores?” asked Noah, his tone also quiet as if he spoke loudly he would spook Cat.

“Me,” muttered Cat under her breath, Noah heard her but she recovered so quickly he almost couldn't believe what he'd heard, “Yes, the scores,” she said more loudly.

“Did they get better?” Noah queried, still speaking quietly.

“Not enough,” she said.

“Cat,” Noah spoke gently, “Any school would be lucky to have you with your old or new scores. It’ll be okay.”

“Easy for you to say,” she replied, unshed tears in her eyes, “I’m sorry that was unfair.” She sniffed, took a deep breath, and shook her head as if to clear it. When she opened her eyes it unnerved Noah to see little evidence of her previous distress. She moved back to her apples, chopping them safely, and precisely.

“Have you told your dads how you’re feeling? I’m sure they would understand. They only want the best for…” Noah trailed off as Cat shook her head at his words.

“I don’t need to bother them with this stuff. They’re busy enough as it is - especially with Papa making the transition from DA to a judge, besides,” she huffed out a humourless laugh, “I really don’t think I need to talk to someone who was good enough for Harvard right now.”

Before Noah could properly respond to his friend’s comments a key sounded in the apartment lock and a moment later Sergeant Sonny Carisi and Lieutenant Olivia Benson walked in, heads together as they looked over a case file, “It was a good collar. I don’t think anyone will think otherwise,” Liv was saying as they entered the apartment. She looked up then to spot her son, and Cat, “Noah, why am I not surprised to find you here?” she exclaimed, a laugh in her voice as she went over to hug him, “Don’t you have homework or something?”

“That’s what I asked him,” interjected Cat, her voice teasing and light. Her attitude’s 180 from a few seconds ago almost gave Noah whiplash and he was a little slow on the uptake.

“Cat got your tongue?” joked Sonny as he dropped his briefcase in the living room.

Cat snorted at his joke as did Olivia, and eventually Noah got into the spirit but his head was still spinning with the things Cat had said earlier. “Do you want to stay for dinner Liv, Noah?” asked Sonny as relieved himself of his suit jacket and started to sort through the contents of the fridge, setting things aside for Cat to prep.

Before his mother could accept the offer Noah interjected, “We really appreciate the offer, but I kind of had plans to treat my mom tonight. Rain check?”

“Course, go ahead. Have fun! See you tomorrow Liv!”

As the Benson’s readied themselves to leave Cat and Noah made eye contact for a moment and Cat shook her head at him, pleadingly. He bit his lip and did not reply to his best friend’s request for him to keep quiet. He hadn’t quite decided what to do yet. They let themselves out of the Barba-Carisi apartment and walked down to the first floor in silence, but once they were outside Olivia turned to Noah, “What’s going on Noah?” If the situation had been any different he would have laughed at his mother but in this instance he was just glad she’d noticed something was amiss.

—

Cat and Sonny were chopping up vegetables for a pasta primavera when Sonny asked the question, “Is everything okay? Noah seemed a little off tonight.”

Cat huffed out a half-laugh, “I think he’s just feeling a bit unmoored. You know the breakup with Tiffany wasn’t easy for him.”

“Yeah, I guess it just felt a bit different. I mean I’ve seen the kid mope but maybe that other thing - what’d you say?”

“Unmoored?”

“Yeah, that means lost right?”

“It’s more about feeling unsure of where you fit or being without a place to feel anchored - I mean he and Liv are fine, I just think he’s feeling a little at loose ends being in the middle of his degree but little else to do.”

“Well, he could take a page from your book, better yet maybe he could take over one of the seventy activities you’re part of,” remarked Sonny casually.

“I’m fine and so are my activities, Dad,” Cat rolled her eyes at his lack of subtlety.

“If you say so, you know if you need to drop something to concentrate this year no college is going to think less of you,” he continued, like a dog with a bone.

“I know,” Cat, tried to keep herself from tensing, knowing that her Dad was watching her every move, “In fact, just yesterday I told Kasey she can shadow me for the next few Student Council meetings and then I’ll be giving up the admin reins to her.”

Sonny nodded approvingly, and Cat relaxed internally. He didn’t have to know that she’d been elected to stay on council as the electoral transition officer, which meant that she’d be conducting this year’s elections and presiding over everything.

“I heard they finally found a venue for prom,” remarked Cat.

Her Dad grinned, “Not that you’ll know where it is before the official announcement,” Cat tried to pout at him but all she got was a hearty laugh, “The PTA’ll make an announcement next week and then we can officially start planning with the council. And yes,” he said, fixing her with a look, “I know that you’re basically coordinating prom this year because your co-chair is relatively incompetent.”

“Well, if you want something done right you have to do it yourself,” quipped Cat as she worked away at her vegetables, “Is Papa joining us?” As if summoned, a key twisted in the lock and the door swung open to reveal Rafael Barba, closing his cellphone, a tired but content look on his face.

Sonny inclined his head, “There’s your answer.” He dried his hands off on a towel before going to greet his husband while Cat just watched them, revelling in the quiet and loving moment, this was exactly why she didn’t trouble her dads with her college stress they had more important things to worry about.


	2. Conversations over Chinese

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Noah needs to work on his acronyms. He and his mom make a plan to help Cat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't own Law and Order: SVU

“Why don’t we talk about this at home?” Noah responded, not making eye contact with his mom because he knew if he looked at her now he’d spill everything to her right there on the sidewalk. Noah had always been incapable of lying to his mom - it was something he and Cat used to have in common.

“Sure; we can order in Chinese,” replied Olivia as they set off down the block together in a companionable silence. 

Only once the food arrived and they were sitting on opposite ends of the couch did Noah speak again, “Mom, what’s your read on Cat?”

Olivia looked surprised at his question, but nodded anyways, “Okay, umm, well, she’s smart, she works hard, harder than she should at times, but overall quite balanced - she kind of does it all doesn’t she.” Noah frowned at his food. “Stop with the fishing trip Noah,” his mom nudged him with one socked foot, “What’s wrong?” The longer her son stayed quiet, the more concerned she became, “Noah, is Cat in trouble?”

Noah shook his head vigorously, “Not like that. Not like anything that would involve the police - it’s just today when I was there she said some things and I’m worried about her.”

“Just so we’re clear, nothing illegal,” his mom asked.

“No, I can’t even imagine that - she takes steps everyday to make sure everything she does reflects credit on her dads,” Olivia hummed in agreement. “Okay, so now that we’ve moved past illegality - what kind of things was she saying?” Noah opened his mouth, then closed it. 

“I feel bad,” he confessed, “She didn’t mean to say anything to me. I could tell; it was like she was thinking out loud and I don’t want to betray her.”

Liv put her plate down on the floor and gestured for Noah to come closer, he sat next to her and she hugged him. When they pulled apart she spoke, “If Cat said something that upset you this much - a) that you would be willing to tell me (even if it breaks her confidence) and b) that you’re this shaken to talk to me about it - Noah, honey, it’s important. I want to help but I can’t if I don’t know what’s going on.”

Noah nodded and sighed, “Well, I think she thought I was taking a nap. You how college kids are apparently tired all the time but she was consistently refreshing this page online and whatever she saw on it made her seem anxious so I went over to ask what she was looking at…”

As Noah told his story, Olivia’s frown steadily deepened until he finished speaking. “Thank you for telling me Noah, and I agree with you, Cat’s definitely struggling.” Liv scrubbed her hands over her face, “I guess we all just got so used to her being pointed out as a model student and a good kid that we stopped asking her if she was becoming who she wanted to be…” 

“Not like me,” quipped Noah, cheekily, “You heard quite a bit about me during my childhood.”

“Yup, I’m pretty sure Ms. Pennyworth at your kindergarten was thrilled when you graduated - no more King Kong impressions on block skyscrapers.”

“So, what can we do? What do you think I can do?”

“Unfortunately, honey, I’m not sure there’s much you can do - obviously you should keep being there for her when possible but I think I need to speak to her dads.” Noah bit his lip, “I was afraid you were going to say that,” Olivia looked at him, “I know they need to know it’s just she has obviously spent time honing this personality to cause them the least amount of stress possible. Cat can’t stand hovering or pity - sympathy is difficult enough.”

Olivia nodded, “She gives and gives and hates to take,” she shook her head sadly, “I’m having brunch with Barba tomorrow morning, I’ll ask after Cat then.”

“Will you let me know how it goes?”

“Of course, honey.”

“Good. Mission: Help Cat Realize Her Greatness is in motion,” Liv arched an eyebrow at him, “I’ll work on the mission name later.” She smiled and ruffled his hair affectionately; Noah beamed. 

He missed quiet nights in with his mom, although he had moved out in freshman year due to a scholarship he had moved back for second year. The break up with Tiffany, combined with the frustrating lack of quiet and cleanliness in residence made his decision an easy one. 

“Want to watch _13 Going on 30_ with me?” he asked, “I have to watch it for film class and pick out positive and negative gender stereotypes.”

Olivia laughed and nodded as Noah cued up the film on Netflix. She cast a glance at her half eaten Chinese food then ignored it, she wasn’t hungry anymore. She looked at Noah, but her heart, that was definitely full. 


	3. Deal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Dads aren't oblivious (but they don't know everything). Love, lots of love and caring.

Dinner in the Barba-Carisi household was quiet, punctuated with light chatter from Cat who had learned as a young girl that her parents’ jobs rarely allowed them to bring anything happy home. Instead of asking them how their days had gone, especially since their cases were all too often splashed across the front page of the newspaper or all over the television, so Cat would bring out mindless bits of fluff to the table in an attempt to lighten their loads. Sometimes when they weren’t occupied with their own thoughts they would have real conversations but where her fathers found entertainment in friendly arguing it made Cat anxious so she sought to control the chatter. Unfortunately, tonight her usual tactics would not play her way. 

As soon as they were settled at the table and grace had been said her papa spoke, “I talked with Rosie today.” 

Cat’s insides twisted at the name of one of her father’s old friends from Harvard, but she forced herself to smile, “About?” She also made herself chew and swallow her forkful of pasta even though it now felt like she might choke.

“She’s willing to read your essays if you need another set of eyes on them, and not just for Harvard. She has friends across the board.”

“That’s very generous of her, I’ll definitely consider it,” replied Cat steadily, nothing in her voice giving an indication of the tumult of nerves that felt like electric eels in her belly. It was October, just under two weeks remained before she wanted to send off her applications for early acceptance and she’d already edited them to death. 

“Of course, sweetheart,” responded her papa, seemingly oblivious to the thoughts racing through her head, “I know it gets rather intense near the deadlines but you’ll do fine. You’ve already got everything together right? SATs, essays, and statements? They probably just need polishing.”

“Yeah, I’m doing final touch ups now,” she said, forcing another forkful of pasta into her mouth, willing her hand to stay steady and not betray her with its sporadic shaking. 

“Well, Rosie’d be a great resource Cat,” interjected her dad, “and you know we’re here to help.” He paused a fork halfway to his mouth as he tipped his head to the side, “Although to be honest I can’t remember the last time you brought us something to proofread.”

“Well, we’ve got a group of us at school - we edits each others’ papers,” answered Cat, her lie tasting ashy in her mouth. While it was true that she edited other peoples’ essays she seldom imposed upon others to help her in return. She had built up a great deal of goodwill among her peers but felt unworthy of cashing any of it in, even for something as important to her future as college. 

“Still, since we’re not familiar with the material it could only help,” pressed her papa, and Cat, unsure of how she could respond simply put on an understanding smile. Seemingly satisfied her papa went back to eating, which gave Cat an opening to throw in some random gossip about a classmate of hers who’d damaged her new BMW two days after getting it. As her dad launched into a rant about people disrespecting traffic laws Cat allowed herself to drift a bit in an attempt to get her mind centred. Unfortunately, she drifted a bit too deeply and she snapped back to attention when her dad called her name for the third time. 

“Daydreaming?” asked her papa, smiling at her, one eyebrow arched. 

“Sorry,” Cat quickly apologized hastily, at which both her parents minutely frowned, “Just thinking about things.”

“Is one of those things how you need more sleep?” asked her dad.

She quirked her head, in an excellent imitation of him earlier, “That breakfast club you help with gets you up at 4:30 every morning of the work week Cat, maybe it’s time to let it become someone else’s project?”

“We’re in transition right now Dad, but with everyone finalizing applications it’s not exactly the ideal time to recruit newbies,” she was so tempted to roll her eyes at him but she held herself back.

“Of course,” he inclined his head in a gesture of concession, “how could I forget?” Sonny shot his husband a glance after he spoke, which Cat missed as she was working on eating another forkful of food. 

“I’m thinking by the Winter term I won’t be going anymore,” Cat commented, after having successfully eaten some more food. Her dad nodded in satisfaction and the conversation moved on, Cat steadily steering it away from her interests and activities. 

Once dinner was finally over Cat made to clear the dishes but her papa stopped her, “Go ahead and finish your work Cat, I need something normal in my day today.” She smiled at him, warmly, kissed him on the cheek and nodded, leaving the dining room to head to her bedroom to edit another essay. 

“So doing the dishes is normality now?” commented Sonny, as he helped Rafael stack the plates to bring to the kitchen. Although they had a dishwasher Raf preferred to do things by hand when possible - he had told Sonny once that the humdrum nature of the task helped him think. Without responding Raf jerked his head in the direction of Cat’s room, dutifully Sonny went to go check - yes, she had her headphones in, loud enough that he could hear the hum of Stravinsky through them, and then headed back to his husband’s side. Nodding, Raf let out a sigh and nodded, “Normal enough I suppose. You noticed it again tonight?” Sonny nodded. He leaned his head back on a cupboard as Raf ran the hot water, “I just don’t know how we missed it to begin with,” he sighed. 

“Why’d you ask about the breakfast program?” asked Raf, while pouring some soap into the hot water.

“About a week ago at the PTA meeting Kira, Alicia’s mom came over to chat and mentioned how it must be great that Cat had figured out how to coordinate the club so that volunteers didn’t have to be up before the asscrack of dawn,” Raf looked over at him, Sonny threw up his hands, palms out, “Her words, not mine.”

“So, where does she go? I’m assuming you followed her at least one day,” Raf commented, slipping the dishes into the water to soak. 

Sonny blushed, “Yeah, actually yesterday morning - she went running,” to which Raf made a surprised sound - Cat wasn’t exactly an athlete, “to the Brooklyn Bridge…” he trailed off.

“Sonny?” queried Raf, turning to look at his husband.

“She ran all the way to the centre, then just stood there, right up at the rail looking out and… and looking down. It was unsettling Raf, the way she looked at the water, like it was comforting, “ Sonny shivered and Raf went over to wrap him in a hug, which he gratefully returned, “I’ve seen that look before - before people jump…” Sonny whispered so quietly if Raf hadn’t been so close he might not have heard him.

Sonny then shook his head, they separated, and then he continued, “Then after about 15 minutes she shook her head and ran back, she got to school around 7 and I lost track of her of course.”

Raf sighed, “I wish she would talk to us. You know I can’t remember the last time she actually spoke to us about something meaningful in her life - even with college she’s giving us the superficial information. I’m not even 100% sure of all the places she’s applying.” Sonny hummed in agreement. 

“We’re going to have to confront her soon Rafi,” he said, “It was really gradual at first but this is too big to ignore.”

“We should have said something when she went on that road trip with Abby and ‘just happened to’ visit all of the colleges she was interested in without us,” muttered Rafael, still sad he hadn’t had the chance to see his daughter check out campuses and hear her thoughts firsthand, “I’ll ask Liv if she’s noticed anything too - maybe she’ll have some ideas about how we can confront her.”

“Yeah, you’re having brunch tomorrow right?” Sonny commented, “Maybe I’ll try to get Cat to sleep in and spend a day not working.”

“I’ll be back by 2, if you don’t succeed we can always call in reinforcements. Fin’s spending the day with Noah tomorrow playing basketball - it could be a team effort.”

“Deal,” Sonny said, and kissed Raf, “Sealed with a kiss,” he winked at his husband who rolled his eyes at him fondly. 

“She’ll be okay,” Raf stated, Sonny nodded, “We’ll make this better. We have to.”

"We won't lose her," whispered Sonny, taking Raf's hand and holding it tight.  
\---  
In her room, Cat couldn’t read her essay clearly through the tears that had resulted from the panic attack she’d held back during dinner. She was curled up on her side hugging her knees to her chest, trying to control her breathing while sobbing onto her pillow silently.


	4. I'm Fine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Raf tries to talk to Cat but she's quite good at appearing fine. Also, Barisi cuddling.

No one slept well in the Barba-Carisi household that night, eventually after tossing and turning for over an hour Raf got up and settle the tea kettle on to boil. Sonny followed him soon after, neither man knew what to say to each other. Once the tea was ready they curled up together on the sofa, the moon the only source of light in the room. Around midnight Raf drifted off, then Sonny, only for the lawyer to wake up several hours later. At first he had no idea what had woken him but then he heard it again, a whimper. Immediately alert, he shook Sonny who snapped to attention quickly given his profession, eyes widening in a silent question. Raf shrugged but touched his ear, when the sound came again, slightly louder, from Cat’s room. Sonny extricated himself from his husband’s arms silently yet efficiently and crept towards her room, Raf an arm’s length behind him. When he got to the door he paused, hand frozen in the air unsure of whether to knock or just to enter Cat’s room. He turned his eyes to Raf, asking him his opinion wordlessly, when another sound came through the door - this one more like a sob than the whimpering that had woken Raf. 

Decision obviously made he went to open the door when Cat started out of her nightmare, her door opened a crack but Sonny paused as she flicked on a light, seemingly on autopilot. Tears were streaming down her face as she struggled to catch her breath, as another quiet sob ripped its out of her mouth she bit her lip to stop further sound from escaping. Her hands shook as she gripped the covers on her bed tightly. Sonny had no idea what to do, as he stepped back from the door and Raf surveyed the situation from their vantage point he shook his head, trying to understand what was going on. Everything in him screamed for him to go inside and comfort his baby girl because she was hurting but something stopped him - she didn’t want them there.

Raf had no such inner turmoil apparently as he slowly closed the door and then rapped on it, calling quietly, “Cat?” Sonny looked at him like he’d gone out of his mind, but he also knew that set of Raf’s chin, he had a plan. It was the same way he looked right before he pulled an ace from up his sleeve. Sonny melted into the background, retreating to the corner of the hallway. Raf knocked again, a little louder this time, “Cat, sweetheart?” A few seconds later the door opened and Raf had to call upon all of his courtroom skills to keep himself from reacting to how normal his daughter looked. 

Cat’s face looked freshly washed, he spotted the package of makeup and face wipes tucked under her pillow, but otherwise she appeared relatively normal, which scared Raf more than he cared to admit. “How often has she hidden stuff like this from us?” he thought.

“Papa?” she asked, blinking her eyes as if from waking up or fatigue he wasn’t sure, “Is everything alright?”

“I couldn’t sleep,” he said, “I was going to make tea and saw the light under the door, are you okay sweetheart?” 

Something fearful flicked across her face almost imperceptibly then she smiled, “Yeah, I just woke up and couldn’t go back to sleep. I figured I might as well do some work…” she gestured at the papers piled on her desk and the notebook, spine up, on her bed. 

“Do you want tea?” Raf asked, when she was little he used to make her a very watered down version of the tea his mother made him and they would talk late at night when she couldn’t sleep. They hadn’t done that in a long time he realized, but before his hopes could rise Cat shook her head, “I’m fine Papa, really. I’ll go back to sleep soon.” 

He nodded, sadly as she shut the door on him.

Raf stood looking at the closed door for several minutes before walking back over to the living room where Sonny embraced him, “It was worth a try,” Sonny whispered in Raf’s ear.

“She doesn’t want us involved in her life Sonny, where the hell did we go wrong?” replied Raf, tears pricking at his eyes as his husband continued to hug him.

“I don’t know Rafi, I don’t know.”

They fell asleep on the couch together again, comforted by each other’s embrace though they still slept fitfully.


	5. Headache is two letters off from Heartache

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cat starts to unravel. Her dads resolve to confront her asap.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own Law and Order: SVU or its characters.

Cat woke up at 8:30 with an uneasy feeling, and it wasn’t just because she’d missed her morning run. She knew that logically she was exhausted and that the extra few hours of sleep might be beneficial but she still resented that she’d missed her opportunity to release the constant tension that thrummed under her skin by running the streets of New York City. Reminded of her most recent run, two days prior to that Saturday she rolled out of her bed and reached for a poster of the Brooklyn bridge that hung over her desk. Flipping the poster up at the lower left hand corner she made another small line, smiling crookedly at the mass of marks that decorated the back of the poster. She’d been told by her old psychology teacher that keeping track of the amount of times one thought about suicide or made a plan for it but didn’t go through sometimes helped people struggling. 

Her current psychologist, Mel, strongly disagreed with the theory but saw that it was something that helped keep Cat grounded so she never outright asked for her to stop. As she thought about Mel Cat’s forehead scrunched, that was another thing her dads didn’t know about - they knew she’d taken a psych class but not that she’d done an independent project on suicide in recent YA novels in order to basically grill her teacher on the best methods to deal with her thoughts. No one could say she wasn’t cunning when she needed to be. It had taken her awhile to trust Mel with the information that she’d thought about suicide before - trust was not something Cat built up easily with anyone. Mel had allowed her to come to her on her own terms though and that had helped. 

Smiling a bit less crookedly as she replaced the poster she flipped open her day planner, tracing the boxes until she landed on that coming Monday when her next session with Mel would take place. She took a deep breath, let it out, then repeated the actions several times. Rubbing her eyes she went to go pick out an outfit for the day, planning out the weekend as she did. She wanted to completely rewrite one section of her Harvard application, which would probably take up most of the morning. It was that application that had caused her to wake up crying and shivering. She’d imagined being rejected, seeing the disappointment in her dad’s face - he always wanted better for her - and the anger from her papa - he was hardly ever angry with her but it had felt so real. Her dream parents telling her she wasn’t their daughter was what had jolted her awake.

After rewriting the already completed application she wanted to reread a play for French and edit a grant proposal for Politics as well as an opening statement for her Law class. Well, the statement itself was written, actually the whole case was planned out but she figured it deserved another look. Thinking about her law class made her think of her papa, which caused her hands to slow as her braided her hair, he’d been at her door the night before - had he heard something? Had he heard her crying? She couldn’t be sure.

Cat resolved to spend the day working, out of sight of her fathers, and then decided she should probably put in some face time with them to convince them she was indeed fine. “Tonight, a movie?” she pondered aloud, she wouldn’t have to talk to them during a movie. Maybe, if she got enough done in the day. In her heart she knew she was making busywork for herself but she also wanted to be busy rather than be cross-examined by her fathers. Finishing her braid she took another deep breath and then walked towards the kitchen where he dads were quietly talking over coffee.

Both men were dressed, her papa in a light blue sweater and black dress pants that he never wore to the courthouse, thereby making them his weekend wear. Her dad was slightly more casual in a white t-shirt and jeans. Cat took a moment to smile at them together before they noticed her - they were her world and she wanted to do everything in her power to keep them happy, “Which includes lying to them?” a voice inside her asked, but she squashed it down. 

“Did you end up getting back to sleep Papa?” she asked, her voice more awake than she felt.

“Somewhat sweetheart,” replied Raf, smiling at her, although his smile didn’t quite reach his eyes, which were sad, “And you?”

Cat knew her father was lying to her but didn’t say anything, “Yeah, I made a list of things to edit and reread today so I’ll get on top of it after breakfast.”

“So, you’ve actually done everything - you’re just editing it all?” Raf jumped on her phrasing, as Cat cursed leaving him an opening to trap her into a day of doing other things. Her dad was watching her now, and he was always the more difficult one to lie to so she decided to tell the truth, “Well, yes…”

“Raf, you’re going to be late to meet Liv,” interjected Sonny before his husband could speak again. Raf cursed jovially then jumped up, kissed Sonny, and grabbed his wallet, Cat went to grab the door and he kissed her on the forehead as he left. 

“He doesn’t mean to go all “Counsellor” on you, he’s just a little anxious about everything. Senior year’s an important year,” Sonny remarked to his daughter as he started to pull together the ingredients for pancakes, a Saturday morning treat Cat used to love up until about the end of grade nine thought Sonny. Maybe that’s when all of this had started. 

“I know,” Cat replied quietly, she was still tired and her head was starting to pound its way to its daily painful beat. Mel told her the headaches were a result of her stress, as was her acid reflux and her periodic insomnia. So far, Cat had had little luck in quelling the symptoms although she’d quickly learned to live with them. She took them as a necessary evil, which Mel refuted but Cat couldn’t completely agree with her. Sacrifices had to be made for one to succeed right? Her dad set a glass of water with ice in front of her, she hadn’t even noticed him moving, she must be more tired than she thought. 

“Headache?” he asked, turning from her to grab the butter from the fridge, allowing her time decide how to answer. 

“A little,” she replied and Sonny nodded, happy with the half admission - he doubted it was a small thing but let it go for the time being. 

“You know lack of sleep will do that to a person,” he remarked, voice still light.

“I know,” she snapped back, too quickly and hotly for someone trying to maintain the facade of someone who was okay. Sonny’s eyes flicked over to her, watching the frustration in her eyes that had flared when she spoke bleed into a fear that she was quickly trying to hide. He stopped his breakfast preparations for a moment and went over to sit next to her a the island, “I’m sorry,” she said, “That was really rude, I’m sorry.” He went to grab her hands, when he noticed how the nails of her right hand were digging into her palm before he could speak she did, “You’re right, I’m just really tired, I’m sorry.”

It was the constant apologizing that made the hair on the back of his neck stand up although he wasn’t overly sure why. 

“Cat,” he took her left hand in his, “Cat, it’s okay.” He rubbed small circles into the back of her left hand, and for a moment it looked like she would actually relax into the hug he offered. Instead, she pulled away, shaking her head wincing as the movement aggravated her headache. 

“I’m sorry dad, I don’t think I can eat this morning. I need to sleep,” she hated having to admit to this form of weakness in front of him but she knew if she stayed in the kitchen any longer he’d have her spilling secrets that she didn’t want to speak aloud. Her tired mind just trusted him but her anxiety was set tap dancing by her dad’s love and comfort. He watched as she seemed to unravel and then re-ravel before his eyes. Sonny could not believe they hadn’t seen this before, though granted they hardly spent extensive periods of time together, especially since the school year had started. Cat had been going like this for a lot longer than two months though he knew, it had at least been three years if not longer. 

“Go back to sleep sweetheart, I’ll wake you up for lunch okay?” he said quietly, letting her go although everything in him wanted to pull her close and keep all the demons away with funny stories, baked goods, and hugs. She nodded, murmuring another apology before she went to her room. 

Sonny slammed his fist down on the counter, rattling the bowl and the pancake mix he no longer felt like using. Tears blurred his vision for a moment before he collected himself enough to grab his phone and text Raf, “We have to talk to her tonight.”


	6. Hope who?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Barba and Liv brunch and strategize. Carisi goes on autopilot because Hope's in the hospital!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't own Law and Order: SVU

Cat rushed to her room and dropped heavily onto her bed when she reached it. She truly was exhausted. Maybe sleep would be the best thing, just for now, so she could avoid causing anymore drama for her dad. She curled into a ball, closed her eyes, and let her exhaustion sweep over her like a tidal wave. 

Beside her bed, on her nightstand rested her phone, no longer on ‘Do not disturb’ - sitting quietly, almost as if it was lying in wait for what was to come.  
—  
Barba dodged wait staff as he headed to his usual booth for brunch with Liv, happy to see that she had already procured him a cup of coffee, “You’re a wonderful person,” he said as he sat down and took a sip of the beverage. 

“Well, you’re wonderful yourself, although you don’t look so hot today,” teased Liv.

“I didn’t sleep well,” replied Barba, scrubbing one hand over his face.

Liv threw up her hands with a smile as if to say she didn’t need details but when their eyes meet she put her hands palm down on the table and leaned forward, “Is everything okay, Rafael?”

He shook his head, slouching in his seat a bit, “No, it’s not. It’s Cat,” he started but they were interrupted by their server who quickly took their orders and then disappeared into the bustling restaurant.

Liv quirked an eyebrow at him, “You were saying, something about Cat…” she tried to prompt him only to receive a deep sigh in response.

“I don’t know what went wrong Liv,” Raf spoke in a frustrated tone, “She’s struggling; she’s fighting something and she won’t let us in.”

Liv took a deep breath, giving him space to speak more if he so chose but when he looked at her his eyes narrowed, “What?” he asked, “What are you not telling me Liv?”

“I was going to wait but seeing as you brought it up…”

“Spit it out Benson,” he interjected.

“Noah’s concerned about Cat. And from what he’s told me, well, I’m concerned too.”

“What did he say?” Raf’s features perked up so as to not miss any clues from Liv about his daughter’s situation.

“I’m not sure I’m comfortable relating his play by play but basically…”

“Oh, no, none of that! You’re telling me everything and right now!” replied Barba, a hint of steel in his voice, then he softened his tone, “Please Liv, she’s our whole world.”

Liv nodded and both bent their heads toward each other as she related what Noah had told her the night before. After she’d told him everything Liv pulled back, giving her friend the space to process what she’d said. She began to pick at her food, while Raf just sat there staring at a spot just above her left shoulder, his food untouched. Once a few minutes had gone by she cleared her throat, “Raf, you need to eat.”

He blinked, seemingly coming to himself, coinciding with a text chime from his phone. He grabbed it and checked it, brow furrowing as he read Sonny’s text message. “Something happened, something worried Sonny,” he said as he put his phone back on the table and promptly drained his coffee cup. Once his coffee had been refilled he also began to toy with his food when he started to speak, “We noticed little things but at the time they just seemed like little things. She got more involved at school, she took on leadership positions, she won awards, got good grades, and at some point along the way she learned how to divert us from really seeing her and only showed us this cultivated shell of herself.” He put down his fork, looking sick, “Sonny thinks it has been going on for a few years… how could we miss this Liv?”

She grabbed his hand and squeezed it, trying to offer comfort, “None of us saw it Raf, she’s around the squad just as much as Noah…” she paused, “Or she used to be. Nobody else said anything.”

“What do we do?” asked Raf, blinking back his tears, seeking to find his courtroom calm and failing. 

“Why don’t we start with what you know?” asked Liv, “We can work back from there.”

Raf nodded, then picking up his fork forced himself to eat a bite of eggs before launching in a brief description of the night before and how he’d caught on to Cat being sleep deprived.   
—  
By 2:30pm Sonny felt like he was going to crawl out of his skin. He knew Raf and Liv were strategizing, his husband had texted him as much around noon, and the duo were going to meet up with Noah soon so that Raf could get his story from the previous night firsthand. He, however, had hardly been productive. So far all he had managed to do was create another list of prospective schools and programs that Cat might be applying to and scour the internet for a shred of evidence that his daughter was not in fact alright. Her profiles were well cultivated though and even her writing felt polished, too pristine for her to actually be happy with it but her perfectionist tendencies probably overrode her creativity at times.

In her room, Cat’s phone buzzed, waking her from her nap turned sleep. She groped around for her phone, while idly thinking of how lazy she was to nap in her street clothes. Her phone screen almost blinded her when she turned it on. Sitting up she took in her missed calls, all within the last fifteen minutes, and the text messages she’d missed. The most recent ones only read “Call me” while the first one sent a chill of fear through her. She jumped to her feet and took off for the kitchen, startling her dad who was deep in thought at the kitchen table, “Dad, Dad I need you to take me to Mercy Hospital!”

Sonny jumped at her sudden and rumpled appearance, “Cat, what’s wrong?” He went to stop her from moving to take her in to identify the source of her pain when his brain caught up with the rest of her sentence, “Hope was just admitted!”

“Okay, okay, let’s go!” he grabbed his keys and pulled on his shoes, mind on autopilot as they rushed down to the car. Only when they arrived at Mercy did he realize he had no idea who Hope was.


	7. Introducing Dr. Mel Brookes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cat boxes, she mentors, and her dads had no idea. Also, we get to meet Mel!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't own Law and Order: SVU.

Cat rushed through to the nurse’s station, her mind not on her dads or anything at the moment. The only thought she had was of Hope who was somewhere, “Cat!” called a voice up the hallway, she turned and dodged orderlies to get to the source of the call. 

Melanie Brookes looked like her day had been interrupted too, her usually put together self, which often reminded Cat of her papa, was hurried and not altogether at all. “Mel, where is she?”

Mel placed her hands on the young woman’s shoulders, calming her as much as possible, “It was,” 

“Murphy, yeah, I figured,” cut in Cat, “Does she need surgery?”

“No, thank goodness; just some very bruised ribs, maybe a fractured wrist, but they have to bandage her and clean her up and they said she could have someone with her. I offered to stay but she asked for you so…”

Cat’s heart swelled at the affection Hope had for her, “Where is she?” she asked again.

“Room 325,” Mel replied.

Cat nodded, a set look to her face and set off to navigate the hallways to find Hope, but before she left Mel she hugged the older woman, pulled her close and tight, “It’ll be okay,” she whispered, “He won’t get away with this.” 

—

Sonny walked onto the floor just in time to see Cat and some woman hug before Cat disappeared into the halls of the hospital. Feeling unbalanced and lost he tried to figure out what to do next when the woman Cat had just hugged looked up and saw him. “Sergeant Carisi?” she called to him, and seeing no other viable option he approached her.

“Have we met?” he asked.

“Not officially, but I know a lot about you and your family,” the woman winced, “That sounded rather creepy, sorry, today has just been a bad day.”

“I can relate,” replied Sonny without thinking, “And call me Sonny…” he trailed off, leaving her a chance to reveal her name. 

“Melanie, Mel Brookes, not the actor obviously,” she said, then her eyes narrowed, “She’s having a bad day?” 

Sonny looked at her with confusion so she clarified, “Cat, is today not a good day,” then she huffed, “When is it for her.”

“Excuse, but I don’t think you actually explained how you know my daughter and…”

“Of course,” Mel glanced around, come with me to the family waiting room, it’s quieter there and last I heard, she glanced at her phone, “Pretty empty.” 

She set off without a word leaving Sonny little option but to follow the one person who probably knew where his daughter was at the moment. As he walked alongside Mel he casually sized her up, she was about his age, maybe a little older and around Raf’s height with muscles and confidence. Nothing in his assessment set off alarm bells so he allowed himself to give her the benefit of the doubt. When they reached the closed family lounge an orderly nodded at her and she walked in, once again leaving him to follow in her wake. The area was indeed empty of people though there were signs that other people had left no too long ago, paper cups on tables half full of coffee, and napkins, torn into tiny strips on the couch. 

Mel settled herself into one of the armchairs, inclining her head toward the one opposite her, “You can call me Mel, although the people around here call me Dr. Brookes.”

“You’re a doctor?”

“A psychologist,” she corrected, “I work mainly out of an office above my boxing club in Brooklyn right now.”

He nodded, “And who, exactly is Hope then? Your daughter?”

Mel’s lips became a thin line, and she looked away from him, “If only, she wouldn’t be here,” she threw up her hands at their surroundings, “right now. Hope is one of the girls who lives in foster care close to my gym, a few weeks ago her dad showed up and took her out.” Sonny didn’t need more of explanation, he saw it often enough at the office, “And now she’s here,” he stood up, “Mel, have you called anyone? I work with…”

“I know where you work Sergeant,” she looked at him again, a sad smile on her face, “If we had known what Murph was like before he took her home you would have been our first call. Cat would have made sure of it.”

Sonny was torn between asking about how his daughter had a connection to these people and if Mel wanted him to contact SVU, thankfully she decided for him, “They’re putting in a call to your squad right now and Hope won’t be out from medical attention for awhile.” He nodded and then she continued, “Hope is special to Cat; they’ve got a bond - like sisters.”

“If you don’t mind me asking but how, how did my daughter,”

“Get involved with a boxing gym in Brooklyn? Well, officially she volunteers her time as a mentor with us. The boxing just an added benefit for her, she needs to channel her anger and frustration somewhere, and a punching bag is better than a wall or herself.” Sonny flinched at her stark words. “My apologies,” said Mel, softly, “I’m in the process of filing for custody of Hope, I was before her dad came onto the scene, and she’s like a daughter to me so today has me a little off kilter.”

Sonny gave her apology a cursory nod, before asking the question that had popped up in his thoughts when he’d seen Cat and Mel hug earlier, “Who are you to my daughter?”

“Well, first and foremost, I’m her psychologist,” stated Mel, “We worked out a deal around six months ago, she mentors the girls, trains them etc. and she gets at least an hour of my time once or twice a week to work on her situation.”

“Her situation?” Sonny parroted back, “What about…”

“Today was a bad day. You said so yourself earlier but usually she’s better about hiding and controlling them. She did something today though that set you on edge,” her eyes narrowed slightly again, “She kept apologizing didn’t she? You know why that sets your teeth on edge Sonny?”

Unnerved by Mel’s deductions and how quickly she switched from relating to him as a parental figure to her professional persona he had no response for her but a sharp shake of his head. 

“It’s because you hear it at work, everyday, the women - no, it was their fault that their husbands hit them - they should apologize. I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” her voice trailed off, as her eyes seemed to get lost for a moment looking at her past, “When someone in Cat’s state gets like that it’s difficult to process. Logically she knows you’d never hurt her but her mind concocts these ideas that manifest in her subconscious and she panics.” 

Sonny’s mind was whirling, what Mel said made absolute sense but honestly, it left him with more questions than before they had sat down. He said as much to Mel whose lips quirked up in a smirk without heat, “A day in the life,” she replied shrugging.

“If you’re seeing Cat, should you be telling me these things?”

“I’m picking and choosing what I tell you rather carefully. I’m not compromising what she tells me, I’m just guiding you to a place where hopefully at some you and your husband can work from together to talk to your daughter.”

At the mention of Raf, Sonny pulled out his phone to text his husband about where he was, and his rather unorthodox company when a nurse entered the room to ask Mel about some healthcare paperwork and other documents for Hope. Mel’s face fell and Sonny prepared himself to intervene and calmly request the nurse perform the medical care without it and somehow get the department to cover it later when Cat’s head popped into the room. She didn’t even glance at Mel or her dad, she just called to the nurse, “I’ve got someone bringing her papers in about fifteen minutes, will that be sufficient?” Nodding the nurse apologized for disturbing Mel and followed Cat back out of the room. 

Sonny’s phone buzzed then with a text from Raf, “We’re coming to Mercy. See you in fifteen. Love you.”


	8. What the hell Noah?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Noah confronts Raf. Raf takes it. There's also a locked file cabinet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own Law and Order: SVU.

Fin and Noah were sitting on the benches by the basketball court, the former reading the daily paper, and the latter people watching, as Liv and Rafael approached. Noah nudged Fin who had the good graces to look a little shame faced by Liv, “Alright you caught us, your kid really can’t play ball so we just chill together.” Normally, Liv would have made some sort of crack back but her brunch with Barca had unsettled her and Fin could see it in her face, “Liv?” 

They weren’t too far from Raf and Sonny’s apartment, and she looked at him, “Can we do this at your place?” Raf nodded in assent as he stood stiffly, trying not to make eye contact with Noah because if he did he would want to cross examine the kid on the spot and that wasn’t fair. 

“Hello?” Fin stated, “Anyone listening to me?”

Raf huffed out a small laugh, he was rather fond of all of Sonny’s squad but he and Fin had bonded when Cat had been a new addition to their family. Fin had helped him get over his fears of not being the perfect father, which would have resulted in him being no type of father at all, and he’d always been grateful for that help. Given their history he felt comfortable bringing Fin in on their discussion so he broke in with, “I want to talk to you,” he nodded at Noah, “about Cat. Feel free to join Detective.” With that done he set off for his apartment, Fin looked after him in surprise but followed him anyway despite his nonplussed expression and Liv fell into step beside him. Noah took a moment to join the group, something that was not overlooked by Fin who turned to see the young man glaring at Barba’s retreating figure before getting up off the bench and walking to the Barca-Carisi apartment. 

“Now I’m really confused,” muttered Fin, who jogged to catch up with the group, noting how Barba kept his shoulders tight, Noah kept a glare on his face, and Liv seemed restless. 

Once the apartment door shut Fin leaned against, “Okay, what’s up with Cat? Is she winning an award? Leaving for Cambridge?”

No one responded to him immediately, “Or is this about her being less present, like how she never stops by the squad room anymore and is always busy…”

“Better second guess Fin,” replied Rafael, he turned to Noah then, “I didn’t want to talk about this out in the open…”

“Oh, so you’ve decided it’s a big enough problem to deal with now?” snarked Noah, his eyes cold as they meet Rafael’s.

“Noah,” Liv started, shocked at her son’s rudeness but he was just getting started. 

“You know when she started ignoring my texts or blowing me off I didn’t take it lying down,” Noah’s voice rose, “And then, then when I finally get the chance to see her in person she starts freaking shaking at the mere mention of college. Then she keeps on about she isn’t good enough,” his voice continued to climb as he approached Raf, “Now, who the hell do you suppose put that thought in her mind?” His last sentence was punctuated by him grabbing Raf’s coat lapels as he growled at the man.

Liv yelled at Noah to let go while Fin went to push in between the two men. Raf didn’t break eye contact with Noah though, “Don’t you think we’ve thought about that? Don’t you think we’ve gone over and over every single word we’ve ever said to her… trying, trying to figure out what the hell happened?” he spoke, clearly though his voice shook but it was his eyes, that shone with unshed tears and looked so dejected that made Noah let go of his best friend’s dad. Upset with his own actions Noah took several steps back, “Raf,” he replied quietly, “I’m…” 

“Don’t apologize Noah; she needs people to fight for her because she can’t do it on her own,” he forced Noah to look at him in the eye, “You have every right to blame us,” Liv made a noise of disapproval, echoed by Fin but Raf waved it off, “We blame ourselves too. Blame though won’t fix this - we have to go beyond it. We have to help her and I need your help to do that.” Noah nodded, looking at the man he’d often considered his second favourite unofficial uncle, “I’m still sorry. If we’re going to help Cat face her demons we also have to own up to our own actions.” Raf smiled at the young man who surged forward to hug him. Raf pulled him in close, wishing he could this with his own daughter but if he could comfort Noah, he’d be okay with that.

Once Noah had apparently gotten his fill of affection he pulled back, opened his mouth to apologize again, and then shut it at the look on Raf’s face. Liv and Fin hovered on the edge of their interaction, obviously unsure of how to proceed. The moment was broken by a text message that popped up on Noah’s phone, sounding with Cat’s personalized ringtone - an X-wing flying. He flipped his phone out of his pocket to check the message, his eyebrows drawing together in a look of puppy dog-esque confusion, “She’s at Mercy hospital, she’s okay,” he read out, “But she needs some papers.” 

He set off for her room, before glancing back at Raf as if seeking permission, “She’s really okay?” Noah nodded, “Seems like it but she’s got a friend in trouble.” The judge nodded and followed Noah to her room, pushing open the door slowly, even though they knew she wasn’t there both men paused for a second then stepped over the threshold. 

“She says they’re in her file cabinet,” Noah stated, rereading the text and Barba went off to investigate one of them while Fin and Liv entered the room too, “It’s the locked one, there.” Noah pointed at the one next to Fin, as the Detective knelt down to inspect it, testing out its drawer to see that it was indeed locked. 

“The key’s in her pencil case, under the textbook,” Liv went to grab the textbook on her desk.

“Literary theory of the 20th century,” she remarked, shaking her head, “She’s smarter than all of us combined.” Finding the pencil case she tossed it to Fin who came up against a combination lock about the size of his knuckle, he turned to look at Noah, “This thing is also locked.”

“Yeah, the combo is 0188,” he said. Liv, Barba, and Fin broke into fond grins as he said it, “What?” then it seemed to click in his head, “That’s Sonny’s badge number isn’t it?”

Raf nodded. Finally, getting his hands on the lock Fin turned it and pulled open the drawer to reveal a series of files, some thick and several quite thin, “What am I looking for?”

“A name, Hope, Hope Mayhew.”

Fin ticked his fingers over the files while the others watched intrigued until he pulled out the file in question, then turned to re-lock the cabinet while Raf took the file in hand. As he flipped through it, Liv looking over his shoulder he had no words, “It’s a case file,” muttered Liv, reaching to lift it out of Barba’s grip, “This is the same type of stuff we put together or you bring into the courtroom. It’s really thorough.”

“Umm, guys, not that this isn’t fascinating but she sounded like she kind of needed it right now,” Noah haltingly remarked.

“Right, Mercy hospital right Noah?” Raf asked, as he grabbed the file back from Liv and headed out to the elevator so that they could catch a cab to the hospital. 

Noah nodded and followed him out, Liv and Fin in tow.


	9. Cat's Superheroes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Murphy makes a short and stupid appearance. Cat gets hit. She and Hope have a not so private chat too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own Law and Order: SVU

As they got into a cab, Liv got a phone call about Hope’s case on her work phone, and she sternly informed the operator that she was already en route.   
—  
Cat walked as quickly as she could to get back to Hope who disliked unfamiliar places at the best of times. Ducking into Hope’s room and closing the door behind her Cat took a second to look at the twelve year old who lay in the hospital bed, her left wrist now in a cast, severely fractured but not broken thank goodness and the bruises her father, Cat spat at the word in her head, had left all over her body less visible now that she was dressed in a hospital gown not her underclothes. She was quietly thankful that no sexual abuse had been involved, Hope had told her while they had a conference with the doctor that he’d only ever hit her. 

Murphy Mayhew was scum in Cat’s eyes and she was looking forward to watching him metaphorically burn in a court of law, her case file would take care of that promptly. 

“Cat?” Hope called out weakly from the bed.

Cat rushed over to sit gingerly on the edge of the bed, “Hey Hope, how’re you feeling darling?” 

“A little tired, but I hurt less.”

“Good, that’s what the doctors are here for, sweetheart.” 

“I know, you trust them so I do too,” Cat blinked back tears at how much this young girl trusted her judgment. She wanted to scoff and tell her ‘little sister’ as Hope proudly declared herself at the gym, that she hardly knew who to trust herself but she didn’t, Hope was the important person right then. 

“Thank you for coming,” said Hope, sitting up just slightly in the bed, wincing less than Cat had anticipated at the bruising on her ribs.

“Of course, wild horses couldn’t keep me away,” replied Cat, smiling at Hope, then she smoothed her hair back and kissed her on the forehead, “Do you want to try to sleep a bit…”

A commotion in the hallway cut her off, and Hope scrambled at her IV at the sound of a man’s voice. Instantly, Cat knew that Murphy had come for her sister, well, he had another thing coming to him, grabbing Hope’s weak hands she pulled them off the IV line and told her to stay put and to not touch any of the machines, “Trust me sis.” Cat held out her pinkie finger and Hope hooked hers with it. Then Cat set out for the door, opening it slowly as she caught sight of Murphy, seemingly drunk, obviously tormenting the nurses at the nurses’ station. She also saw her dad appear from the family waiting room, approaching Murphy from behind when Murphy caught sight of Cat and decided to set off for her location. Shutting the door behind her Cat stood in the hallway, firmly setting herself as a barricade between Hope and this monster. Sonny set off after Murphy but the drunk man reached Cat first, “Give me my daughter back you bitch,” he slurred out, trying to push Cat out of the way but she’d planted her feet rather firmly. She doubled up her fists as the man seemed to look at her for the first time, “Yeah, you want some of what she got then?” Murphy pulled back and swung at Cat just as Raf, Liv, Noah, and Fin set foot outside of the elevator on Hope’s floor. 

Raf saw Sonny and a woman duck out of a room and head off down the hall so he followed, both of Cat’s fathers were present to watch Murphy strike out at her but what happened next surprised everyone involved. Cat moved her face at the last moment, the punch glancing off her jaw, it would bruise but not break. Then she struck back with a quick jab to his face, and a second one to his abdomen then she grabbed his arm to put him into an arrest position against the opposite wall. As she shoved him up against the wall she whispered in his ear, “If you wanna start a fight you should have thrown a better punch.”

Sonny reached them then as did Fin and Liv, Fin was reading the asshole his rights while Liv cuffed him. Cat sagged against the wall briefly, catching her breath, the adrenaline rushing out of her as her dad placed a tentative hand on her shoulder. She flinched and slipped back into her boxing stance when her brain caught up with her eyes and she relaxed. 

Raf walked around Fin, giving the asshole who had punched his daughter a wide berth, only exchanging a glance with Fin that said if the guy managed to bump his head on his way to the station it wouldn’t be a problem. Fin took Murphy out, as hospital security finally appeared. He walked up to Sonny, slipping an arm around his husband’s waist, and turning to Cat whose right cheek was rapidly turning purple. Without thinking he pulled her to him, and Sonny wrapped the two of them in hug. Cat withstood the hug for a moment, probably longer but it felt like half a second to her dads, “I’m fine. I’ll grab some ice from,” a nurse who’d come to check on the group nodded at her, “him, and I’ll be fine.” 

Before either man to refute her words, the hallway entered a brief moment of quiet and they could all hear Hope calling for her. Cat slipped back over to the room she’d been in, taking care to sweep her hair in front of her bruised cheek, and entered into the room. Opening the door and leaving it sightly cracked she ducked under the privacy curtain around Hope’s bed, “Hey sweetie, everything’s okay. He’s gone now. The police have him.”

Out in the hallway, Mel was talking to Liv everything was getting back to business as usual at Mercy. Once she’d taken a brief statement on the incident Liv told Sonny she’d be at the station helping Fin finish booking Murphy and that she didn’t expect to see him anywhere near the station for the next two days at least, “Take some time for your family Sonny,” she said, patting him on the shoulder. He nodded his thanks to her and turned to see Mel speaking with Raf. He’d gone over to give her the file after asking Liv to point out Hope’s guardian but upon accepting it Mel had grasped his hand, “Talk to her tonight. She’ll tell you things you won’t want to hear but let her say them anyway.” He looked startled at Mel’s words but as Sonny joined them Mel turned to him and said, “And when you feel like the time is right, ask her about Brooklyn okay?”

“Thank you Mel,” Sonny spoke steadily despite recent events and the other woman passed over a card. “If you need to get in touch with me, that’s where you can reach me. Cell’s on the back. And thank you, for raising Cat, I don’t know where Hope would be without someone like her in her life.” With that said Mel went over to Hope’s room, Sonny followed her, tugging Raf along. They eased into the room, not wanting to upset Hope; the two girls were talking. 

——  
Hope was sniffling so Cat settled beside her again, and mindful of her bruises leaned her little sister against her. “They’ll lock him up, right?” Cat was quiet for a moment, “Or at least they’ll try very very hard, right?” continued Hope.

“Yes, sweetheart, they’ll work very hard to keep to keep him away from you,” said Cat, stroking Hope’s hair in an attempt to calm her down from all of the excitement. 

“Does your cheek hurt?” asked Hope, dark brown eyes flicking to Cat’s face then away from it.

Cat looked at her, not overly shocked. She tucked her hair back behind her ear, revealing the blooming bruise, “A little but my dads’ll help take care of me.”

At the mention of Sonny and Raf Hope’s eyes lit up, “Are they here?” exclaimed the young girl, trying to sit up, wiggling out from under Cat’s arm to look her friend full on. Cat smiled and laughed lightly, “Yes, yes they are…” Hope started talking over her, “I want to meet them. I’ve always wanted to meet real live superheroes!”

Cat looked at Hope with so much fondness she felt that she might melt from the warmth of her love for this little girl, “You remembered.”

“Of course, I remembered,” Hope sounded affronted, “When I told you I look up to Mel you told me about them and how they save the world…”

“One case at a time,” finished Cat, “That they do.”  
—  
Raf and Sonny were rooted to their spots in the room, listening to their daughter talking about them when she didn’t know they were listening was breaking both their hearts yet it was also healing them.  
—  
“As for a visit, maybe next time. I won’t promise a specific day because…” Cat trailed off, knowing that most of her secrets had come to a head that day and that she was facing several uncomfortable and difficult conversations with her dads over the next few days and weeks.

“Cat?” Hope took her hand, shaking her from her reverie, “Are you okay?”

“Do you remember when you asked me why I meet with Mel on Monday nights?” 

Hope nodded, “You said you were,” her brow furrowed as she tried to remember how Cat had phrased everything, “You were sorting out a problem, fighting something like an illness but in your mind.” Cat nodded, squeezing Hope’s hand, “That’s right; well, I haven’t been overly upfront about battling my demons with the people who love me and I need to talk to them about everything now. They might not want me straying too far from home for a bit, okay? So I won’t make a promise…”

“A promise you can’t keep, I know, I know,” said Hope, sounding a little drowsy, “Okay, maybe just call me then? And visit when you can.”

“That I can definitely do sweetheart,” Cat agreed, hooking their pinkies together in a promise, “Sleep now, Hope. Love you.” She placed a kiss on Hope’s forehead and slipped from the bed to leave when she caught sight of three shadows behind the privacy screen. Cat had a idea of who those three shadows were but she was too drained to care anymore whether they knew things about her or not. All Cat wanted was to go home and finally talk to her dads; she wanted to tell them about all of it.


	10. The spark

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They talk but the talk is definitely not over yet. There are tears and there is yelling & swearing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't own Law and Order: SVU

Sonny knew Cat had seen them through the curtain but her face gave no outward sign of surprise or anything really. Instead, she turned to Mel and said, “Call me if something changes okay?” The woman nodded, “I’ll see you on Monday?” Cat gave her a tired smile and a lazy thumbs up. With that she walked toward the open door and left the room, but before her dads could follow her Mel grabbed Barba’s sleeve, “Tonight she’s going to feel like she owes you an explanation. Get this straight, she doesn’t owe you shit.” Then she let go of the judge’s coat and went to sit with her future foster daughter. 

The couple left the room to find Cat leaning up against a wall, a small ice pack in her hand, typing on her home. Raf looked around for Noah, not wanting to leave him here when Cat interrupted his thoughts, “Liv took him to the station with her, witness and all, kind of.” She stifled a yawn, wincing as she did so, reminding her dads that they should definitely get out of the hospital before something else happened. 

“Home?” Raf asked them, almost tentatively, Cat hummed in agreement and set off for the elevators while Sonny and Raf walked two steps behind her. They were quiet for almost the entire car ride home, with the exception of Raf phoning in to tell Carmen, who’d moved up with him, that he was taking some time off and that he’d check back in with her after a few days. That done all that remained to be done was drive home, which consisted of Cat never making eye contact with her dads and both of them using the rearview mirror to consistently check that she was still there in the backseat and still all in one piece, at least physically, no one breathed a word about her potentially fractured heart. As he pulled into their parking space, Sonny shut off the car, leaving the heavy tension in the car to spark but before he could speak Cat was out of the car and heading upstairs.

Sonny closed his mouth and followed, Raf holding onto his hand like it was the only thing that could keep them from drowning. She was waiting by their door, she’d forgotten her key when they’d left that afternoon, so she stood patiently, ice pack covering her eye and cheek, looking for all intensive purposes like a lone wolf heroine in a spy film. Sonny shook his head, how long had it been since they’d watched a movie together? he wondered idly as he opened the door. 

The moment the door shut Cat spoke, “We need to talk.”

“I think that’s the understatement of the year,” muttered Raf as he hung up his coat, his sarcasm getting the better of him but Sonny huffed out a dry laugh in agreement. Cat did not respond. She merely walked over to the living room, pausing just a moment before choosing to settle herself into the far corner of the couch. Sonny noted how she seemed to draw into herself, curling her legs in and wrapping her arms around her knees, making herself seem smaller and protected. He hated seeing her like this; it scared him how afraid she appeared to be of them, of being honest with them.

Raf went over to the living room and made for his usual spot on the couch then took in how Cat tensed slightly. He chose the love-seat by the couch instead, gazing at a spot just above his daughter’s head as Sonny went to the kitchen for something. Raf didn’t know what to say. Sonny was the one who was good with kids, regardless of his improvements Raf knew he was still rough around the edges when it came to certain topics. His family being scared, threatened, and in danger were definitely subjects that tended to blind him to common sense. If he was being honest with himself he was also scared of how much of Cat’s current state of mind was his fault; he’d always related to her like she was an adult. Maybe he’d put too much pressure on her.

Before he could sink any further into his own spiral of darkness Raf felt a touch on his arm, Sonny had brought him water. While he may have preferred a stiff drink he appreciated the offer. His husband had already left a glass on the table behind Cat so he settled onto the love-seat too. Sonny’s eyes were sharp as they looked at Cat who could have been looking at them but really who knew behind her curtain of dark hair. “Cat?” said Sonny, his voice quiet but solid in tone, “You said we need to talk. What about?”

Raf almost huffed out another laugh at Sonny’s words but he saw the point of them. They had to let her come to them. Mel had told Raf as much earlier, “She’ll feel like she owes you an explanation so that’s what you’ll get at first. Well, that girl doesn’t owe you shit and that explanation won’t be what you really need to hear. Let her tell you - let her come to you,” the psychologist had told him before she’d spoken to him and Sonny. 

“I’m not sure I know where to start,” Cat’s voice was also quiet but it was oddly flat, devoid of emotion. It was that numbness that cut into Raf’s heart. She continued to speak, “I guess I could start at the beginning but I don’t really know when that was… I just remember being really tired and feeling nothing. Nothing, not happiness, not sadness, but nothingness. I thought it would go away but it didn’t,” she looked up at them then, “Is that what you want to hear? I felt nothing so I did things that would keep the people around me from seeing me as nothing too. What’s so horrible about that?” She shook her head, “I’m working through all of this with Mel okay; I’m moderately depressed most days.” Cat let out a hollow laugh, “We done?” 

“No.” Raf’s voice was angry, it was the only emotion he could channel right then because if he wasn’t angry he felt like he might fall apart. His daughter was talking about herself as if she was nothing and she was doing it so casually. She wasn’t talking to them, she was talking at them. Mel’s words about Cat feeling she might owe her dads an explanation echoed in his head, “No. We aren’t done.” The last word sounded particularly harsh in his mouth and he didn’t want to be like this - he didn’t want to scare her or… Cat laughed, cold and emotionlessly. 

Sonny tensed next to Raf and then he seemed to snap. Sonny had no idea if this was the moment Mel was referring to but Cat’s casual references to her struggles were hurting him and he needed to respond, “We are so far from being done. Or did you just conveniently forget about the Brooklyn Bridge?”

Cat’s jaw tensed but she didn’t move, instead her eyes narrowed at her father. “We don’t want to hear whatever explanation you think you owe us,” Raf, spoke less harshly, running a comforting hand over Sonny’s shoulders, trying to calm his husband down, “We want you to talk to us, really talk to us.”

“I don’t know how to anyone,” replied Cat simply then her voice took on a cutting tone, “As for the fucking. Brooklyn. Bridge.” each word was punctuated with movement as she pulled herself from her semi-fetal position to standing only half an arms length from her fathers, “You’ll notice I haven’t jumped yet.”

Sonny relaxed in Raf’s hold at Cat’s words and murmured, “Thank God,” under his breath. Raf was confused until he looked at Cat again, really looked at her. Yes, the spark was there. There was a spark in her eyes - she was feeling.

“We had noticed,” Raf replied, when it became clear that Sonny was waiting for Cat to speak first, “Why don’t you tell us why that’s something we needed to notice at all.” He inclined his head back to the couch and Cat’s eyes flickered between fear and something else, relief, hope - Raf wasn’t sure but he sure liked the look of it. All of their anger drained out of them as their daughter seemed to crumple before them, settling in seat on the floor in front of their love-seat like she used to when she was little. Her hands were shaking and she made no attempt to hide it, “I don’t know,” she whispered, her voice small and scared, “I don’t know what to tell you. I don’t have an answer…” Her shaking got worse and Sonny pulled away from Raf to slowly sink off the love-seat to sit directly in front of Cat. Raf followed suit. 

“We don’t need every answer right now Cat,” Raf spoke softly, “We just need to start somewhere.”

Her hands kept shaking, but he could see her nod her head.

“Would it be better if I started with questions?” Sonny asked, to which Cat also nodded.

Both men drew in deep breaths, it was potentially going to be a very long night. 

“Okay,” Sonny said, “When you say the beginning how long ago was that? Six months ago? One year ago?” Cat shook her head, eyes fixed on the carpet. That wouldn’t do so, slowly, as he might spook her, Raf reached out and tipped her chin up. What he saw broke his heart, Cat’s eyes were full of unshed tears and the absolute turmoil he could see swirling in their depths made him act on pure instinct, he went to hug her. She shrank away, then started crying as she seemed to fight her own reaction. 

“Cat, breathe,” Sonny told her as she heaved through her violent sobs. 

“Three,” the word sounded like it was ripped from her mouth as she said it, “Three.”

Sonny and Raf looked at each other then, both trying to process how this had gone on for three years under their noses.

Her intense sobbing petered off quickly, tears still streamed down her face but silently, “I’m sorry,” she whispered to Raf, “I’m sorry, I don’t deserve…” Neither of them could take hearing her complete that sentence. Each put out one of their hands for hers and when she seemed to respond on instinct, linking her fingers with theirs both men let out a breath. It wasn’t a hug but it was contact.

“Cat, this isn’t going to be easy for us to hear but you need to tell us the truth sweetheart,” Sonny spoke with conviction, “But know this, we don’t think that there’s anything in this world that you don’t deserve.”

Raf checked his watch, it was late in the evening. As much as he wanted to keep Cat out with them and use her sleep deprivation to keep her honest he wanted her to sleep more so he cleared his throat, squeezing his daughter’s hand in a hopefully comforting manner, “And we need you to do it when you know what you’re doing. Sweetheart, you need to go to sleep.” Sonny looked at him, asking him with his eyes why he was preparing to give up their lead when the Sergeant seemed to click with his line of thinking. 

“Your papa’s right Cat. You hardly ate today although I doubt I could get you to eat now,” she nodded, “so at least get some sleep.” Her hands shook worse, “Or at least try.” The shaking lessened a bit. 

They helped her stand, slipping their arms behind her to support her as they walked to her room. Before she extricated herself from their grip she leaned back onto their arms and laid her head briefly on each of their shoulders, pressing a kiss to there. As she walked into her dimly lit room Raf spoke, “Cat, if you have a nightmare,” her eyes flashed with fear and that other emotion again but she stayed quiet. 

“Wake us up,” said Sonny.

“Or barring that at least go to the living room, we’ll probably be up for a bit,” interjected Raf, ‘Just try, please.”

“Okay,” responded Cat, her voice a little rough from her crying and then she closed the door.


	11. The nightmares

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cat has a nightmare that scares her and her dads. They settle down to have at the topic of what she's not telling them, again. 
> 
> *Mild self-harm

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own Law and Order: SVU

It didn’t take long for Cat to fall into a fitful sleep but that only meant her nightmares arrived more quickly too. Usually she stayed up reading, writing, editing, really anything that could keep her mind off of potentially disappointing her parents, the rest of her family, and herself was a welcome distraction. She would stay up late until she had no choice but to sleep and just collapse from exhaustion. Tonight was not a night like that though. While she felt emotionally wrung out her emotions were still in a high enough gear to kick her subconscious into overdrive. 

The dream started like any other with her coming out into the kitchen where her dads were and a stack of several letters in front of them. Each letter was thin, as if they each held a single page, and her heart began to sink as bile began to rise in her throat. Sometimes she was the first one to get the mail in her dreams but more often than not she found herself being forced to open rejection after rejection in front of her fathers as their gazes stayed stony and they eventually left the apartment to go out on their own. The way they left often varied, sometimes they yelled, sometimes they just left, but the worst ones were when they raised their voices and mocked her. Those ones scared her the most because they spewed the same vile thoughts she had about herself - those dreams were the ones that woke her in the midst of sobbing and sometimes silent screams as they just left her. They never looked back, never. 

Cat felt someone restrain her hands, which had been scratching at her arms. She made to pull away from the figure who was holding her hands hostage, her mind still immersed in the dream. She had assumed one day the dreams would escalate. Her fathers would never lay a violent hand upon her she knew that in her heart of hearts, but her subconscious seemed unconvinced. She pulled again trying to free herself, not even paying attention to the words she was babbling.  
——  
Sonny and Raf had decided to stay up for awhile, neither able to face the prospect of sleep due to the day’s events. The apartment was quiet as they sat curled up together, unable to even speak. The quiet turned out to be a blessing though because that was what alerted them to Cat’s distress. A soft, pained cry came from her room and as it sounded again they both ran to her room. Throwing damned propriety out the window both entered her room, dimly lit by an NYPD nightlight in the corner of the room they were able to see Cat thrashing in her bed, nails coursing up and down her arms as she whimpered. 

Sonny reacted without hesitation this time and went to restrain her hands. He had hoped that the action might prompt her to wake up but instead it triggered her to talk as she tried to pull away from his protective hold, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry Dad, I’m sorry Papa! I’ll do better. I’ll do better! Please!” she continued to pull her hands, fighting Sonny as Raf fumbled for the main light switch, “Don’t leave, please, please don’t leave me alone,” she whimpered just as the lights flickered to life.   
——  
As light flooded her room Cat’s nightmare was chased down a hallway in her mind and locked away. Her eyes were still closed, they winced behind her lids as she tried to figure out what was going on. Usually, she hit the lights by accident but her hands, they were still restrained she realized. Her heart jumped into her throat, her dads were there and there was no way she could talk herself out of this one. 

“Cat,” whispered Sonny, who was still holding her hands, keeping them from leaving anymore violent pink scratches on her arms, “Please, open your eyes.”

Cat wanted to shake her head, she wanted to the hide under the covers and pretend it was all a dream. A solid presence at her back, a warm hand on her shoulder, signalling her papa’s presence too made it worse. She didn’t want to see their pity or their shame. A sharp intake of breath from her papa made her realize she’d said that last thought aloud. She was digging herself an impressive hole and didn’t want to disappoint them anymore than she already had that night so she opened her eyes. 

Sonny met her eyes squarely, worry and fear evident on his face but thankfully she saw no pity, at least not yet.

“What did you dream about?” her papa asked, still rubbing her back like he had when she was a small child and she’d been too sick to go to school. His tone was sad but determined.

Cat shook her head, mutely trying to convey that she knew that the fathers in her head weren’t them, and she didn’t want to tell them about those dreams. 

As a minute passed, Sonny sighed, then exchanging a look with Raf, the judge left his daughter to head to the kitchen.

Sonny kept Cat’s wrists together in a hold with one hand while he cupped her chin with his other hand, “Papa’s going to make you some tea and then we’re going to talk, sweetheart. You can’t hide this anymore.”

After kissing her forehead gently Sonny let go of her wrists only to twine his fingers with her hand and tug her slowly to her feet. He led her like a small child to the living room and deposited her on one end of the couch. Raf came in with a steaming mug for her and they sat on the other end of the sectional, facing her but still close enough to hug or restrain her if need be.


	12. A Starting Place

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They actually start talking in this one, I promise. 
> 
> *Minor self-harm.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own Law and Order: SVU.

Cat clutched the steaming mug of tea like it was an anchor. The tea was sweet, and just spicy enough to help begin the process of warming her entire body. She sipped it slowly, eyes closed, waiting for the eventually questions that she would have to answer now. 

Raf watched his daughter, she was steeling herself but not building up walls, the night was too far gone for that again. 

“You spoke when you were dreaming,” Sonny stated, his voice seemingly steady although both Raf and Cat could hear his barely contained fear just underneath. 

“Wasn’t a dream. Nightmare,” she replied, curling her fingers tighter around her mug, trying to leech more warmth from it as the details of her nightmare came back. It had been a bad one, “Wasn’t real either. Won’t be real.”

“You don’t believe that though do you?” Sonny asked, voice shaking now. 

Cat looked at him then, “I don’t know anymore.”

“Why did we leave?” Raf pressed her, “You asked us not to leave you alone, why would we ever do that?”

Cat seemed to mull over his question, trying to figure out how to answer him. The easiest answer in her mind was eventually the one she went with, “I was rejected from college. All of them.”

Sonny grabbed Raf’s hand, squeezing it tightly in effort to keep him from launching himself at his daughter in a crushing hug and telling her he didn’t give a damn about where or if she went to college. Raf though felt she wasn’t being totally honest, “Why did we really leave Cat?” he asked, softly and steadily. He was ready to face whatever his daughter was dealing with, if only so they could help her through it in whatever way possible. 

Cat breathed in the steam from her tea, trying to hold back tears, then she put her mug down. Looking at her knees she spoke, “I disappointed you. I wasn’t good enough.”

Her words felt like a punch to the gut to both men. Sonny let go of Raf’s hand to go over to Cat, “Sweetheart, no, no,” he cooed as he opened his arms, asking her silently to come to him, which she did slowly. He wrapped her up in a hug and then picked her up like he used to when she was little. He brought her over to Raf and they hugged her, fiercely. 

When they pulled away from her, Raf could see her struggling not to cry and that cut him deeply. Even when they wanted to comfort her she felt inclined to hide herself. Suddenly, he felt angry. Angry at himself, at him and Sonny, at the team, and Cat’s friends. He was angry that the school had never said anything. He was also angry that Cat had hidden this for so long.

He knew his anger showed on his face because Cat ducked her head, pulling herself back into a position where her knees met her chin, and she was no longer touching either of them. “Why didn’t you tell us about this?” he asked, voice tight with emotion even as he went to stroke her hair. She let him, relaxing a smidge and his anger faded to a dull roar. 

She opened her mouth, then closed it, obviously second guessing her idea of bullshitting them. “If you can’t reply honestly, don’t say anything yet. We’ll get there in time,” Sonny said from her other side, holding her hand in his as he made little comforting circles on it with his thumb. 

Cat bit her lip, nodded, then opened her mouth again to speak, “It wasn’t this bad at the beginning. I promise. It really wasn’t… and I didn’t” she gulped, forcing down the acidic bile in her throat that came along with confessing one of her darkest secrets, “Ididn’twanttobotheryou,” she rushed out. Thankfully, both men had spoke to enough witnesses in their lives to catch her words.

Raf almost jumped from the couch at her words. He needed some distance because he was afraid of what he would say or do. He ran his hands through his hair thinking, “God, what had happened to their daughter? What had they done? What had he done?”

Sonny for his part had gone stock still at Cat’s admission, he looked at her with such a confused and hurt expression that she pulled her hand back but didn’t make an attempt to apologize just yet. They had wanted the truth, she had to be honest even if the truth was what tore them apart. 

“Bother!” Raf almost spat out the word he felt so disgusted by it. He turned to face her, and she met his gaze, her eyes steady. He could see the effort it had taken for her to tell them that but he was still stuck on the idea that she felt like turning to her parents, the people who raised her, and loved her no matter what (although who knows if she believed that) would ever think of her as a bother. He actually said as much, his voice just shy of raised, and she took it all in stoically. Sonny seemed in shock, unable to process much and so didn’t try to stop Raf’s tirade. He was as interested in the answer as his husband. 

“It didn’t start out that way,” Cat said, fists curling on her knees, then she released her hands and rubbed her left palm with her right thumb. She traced over the indentation her nail had left on the palm, just shy of breaking the skin.

“Things hardly ever start out the way they finish,” Sonny spoke, a little shocked still but he was snapping back.

“It was small stuff at first, struggling in math, or a mean person at school. I figured I was in high school, I had to learn to grow up and stand one my own two feet. I never mentioned them and life just continued. You were happy, because I didn’t have problems. You were happier…” She trailed off as Raf shook his head, “Sweetheart, God, where do I start?” he exclaimed, stopping his pacing to sit next to her again, “Sweetheart, every parent wants their child to have a good life but no parent imagines that their child’s life is without conflict, fear, or stress. That’s why a parent exists, to help their child through the good and the bad. Why in the world would you think it would make us happier to not be involved in your life?”

“Its our jobs, isn’t it?” Sonny guessed, “We deal with so much everyday that you thought you could make our lives easier by not telling us about anything negative,” he scrubbed his face with a hand, “And, my Lord we fell for it, making it seem like that was what we wanted.” He took Cat’s response for the confession it was and shook his head sadly, “How could we have been so stupid?” he whispered.

“NO!” Cat’s outburst shocked them both, “I played you; it’s not your fault. I just wanted to help, please Dad, Papa, it’s not your fault,” she babbled trying to show them that it was her that was broken, “It’s my fault. I just thought I’d be easier to love if I made peoples’ lives easier,” she stopped short, eyes wide at her words, wanting nothing more than to take them back.

It was Raf that pulled her into a hug then, as he told her, “We love you no matter what, there’s no easier or harder about it, we love you point blank. Full stop.” He pulled back to frame her face with his hands, voice cracking as he saw the confusion in her eyes, “We love you Cat, and you may not know what to do with that right now but you will eventually.” He let her go, letting her sink back into the cushions, “But,” Sonny took her hand, squeezing it once for support, she needed to keep speaking, “But wasn’t it easier?” 

“It felt like you didn’t need us,” Sonny replied honestly, letting his hurt bleed into his tone, “You were off accomplishing things that we had no idea about. I would find out about them from other parents at PTA meetings or newspaper clippings.”

“Is that why you didn’t want to look at colleges with us?” Raf asked her.

“It was bad timing, papa,” she tried, both men remembered that they just finished rather trying cases but they’d been looking forward to forgetting all of it in order to help their daughter plan out options for her future.

“Sweetheart, there was nothing we would have rather done that vacation,” Sonny said softly. Cat bit her lip, tears pricking her eyes again, “I’m sorry,” she whispered, “I just thought it wasn’t a good use of your time,” she drew in a breath, “and I wasn’t sure what you’d make of my choices.”

“Ah,” thought Raf, here was the crux of the college matter, just as Noah had described it, “Why?” he asked. When she didn’t respond he pushed again, “What choices did you make that you think would make us disappointed in you?” Then he remembered her nightmare, “You said you dreamed about getting rejected, from where Cat?”

“Everywhere,” she curled up again.

“But that’s not why we leave in your dreams is it, which one is it that makes us leave?” Raf pressed her, already knowing the answer in his heart. She shook her head, refusing to answer, and he saw tears falling from her eyes again. She brushed at them angrily, her right hand digging into her leg without her realizing it as she tried to ground herself. Raf placed her hand over her right fist, slowly unraveling it, and flipping her hand to reveal the angry red half-moons she’d dug into her palm. Several were bleeding. “Sonny, can you grab the first aid kit,” Raf spoke to his husband who left to grab some supplies. Raf kept her hand upright, facing them, but he kept his gaze on Cat who was studiously avoiding his eyes. 

“I couldn’t give a damn whether you go to Harvard or not Cat, all I want is for you to be happy and safe,” he remarked.

Cat huffed, trying to cover an empty laugh, “I don’t need you to lie to me,” she replied.

As Sonny returned, and he set about disinfecting her small wounds, Raf looked at her, lost, “I’m not lying to you,” he said at last.

“He’s not,” Sonny interjected, when it was clear Cat didn’t know what to make of her papa’s words, “Look he married me and I went to night school.”

“Booyah, Fordham Law,” whispered Cat, her remark so at odds with the situation that Sonny actually barked out a laugh while Raf just looked at her hopefully. She met his eyes, shamefaced, “I just thought, you’d prefer it if I went…” he hushed her.

“I want you to go where you’ll be happy,” Raf told her, trying to put all of his love for her into his words. She nodded looking a little uneasy as if her whole worldview had just titled which both men supposed it had, “That’s why we wanted to be there with you - to see what you loved and what you didn’t. Do you understand that?” She nodded sadly. Her road trip with Abby and Abby’s mom hadn’t been the trip she’d been imaging for years either. They’d been great traveling companions but she’d been looking forward to revisiting her papa’s stomping grounds with him and hearing her dad chirp her for the Latin clubs and the ostentatious look of the schools she was considering. 

“I am sorry,” she said. 

“We know,” Sonny said.

“And you were forgiven several minutes ago darling,” finished Raf. 

She smiled a small, but real smile at them - the first they’d seen in ages. It prompted Sonny’s blinding, ear to ear grin and Raf’s content smile to emerge as well. 

It was a start. They knew there was more to discuss but this was a start.


	13. Nothing gets fixed overnight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sunday night dinner with the Barba-Carisis isn't as difficult as they thought it might be. And Hope phones from the hospital. Also, backstory!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own Law and Order: SVU

Things didn’t change overnight. Even after having the weekend off Sonny felt like they were all still very mindful of how fragile their family situation was despite the encouraging strides they’d taken over the weekend. As the sun dipped on Sunday Cat’s tension about the coming week was almost palpable but they’d learned very quickly to let her come to them. And she would, sometimes she tried to wait things out but after a particularly unproductive editing session she’d cuddled up to Sonny and staunchly ignored the question in his eyes as she stared unseeingly at the news on the television. He’d let her do it too. She’d hardly spent any time in close proximity with her dads in years and now that she was making an effort, and it was obvious how hard she was working at it, Raf and Sonny noticed how much they’d missed having her nearby and underfoot. 

“How’d you meet Mel?” Raf asked Cat after dinner on Sunday night. They’d had a few shorter, less intensive conversations over remaining portion of the weekend, but after Cat’s nightmare and the revelations that ensued they hadn’t sought to push her. In return, she had tried to open up a bit more, but Mel was a part of the puzzle that piqued Raf’s curiosity. 

“She presented at school, and I was looking for some extra volunteer work,” Sonny raised an eyebrow at her, ‘Something that wasn’t school related.”

“And she recruited you on the spot,” Raf guessed, privately scoffing at his daughter’s insistence on programming herself to the max, she contributed so much with the time she had it was overwhelming. 

“Not exactly,” Cat replied, twirling her long hair around her fingers, unconsciously braiding and unbraiding a section of hair, “She invited me to the gym and I never went…” She bit her lip, a sign that she was choosing her next words carefully, “She ran into me, almost literally, one Saturday morning,” she paused. Somehow Sonny knew what she wasn’t saying, Mel had met her on the Brooklyn Bridge. Raf seemed to have clued in on the missing info too but made no move to cross examine it at the moment. “We ended up talking and I ended up checking out the gym with her on my way back home. We met more frequently and I just kept stopping by until she offered to teach me to box.” Cat stopped fidgeting with her hair, “I’m a quick study apparently so when she started a formal program she asked me to come on as a coach/mentor for the younger girls.”

Sonny opened his mouth to ask her a question when Cat smiled that small, real smile at him, “I only started seeing her professionally about six months ago. I think she knew something was up but I kind of had a meltdown of sorts in May at the gym when I thought everyone was gone. That’s when she offered to start seeing me as long as I promised to keep up with my volunteering.” 

“Does it help?” Raf asked, genuinely curious. He and Sonny had both seen shrinks at various points in their careers but judging my Cat’s recent behaviour he was wondering if perhaps she needed something or someone else. 

Cat nodded, “It does. I know it might not seem like it what with this past weekend, but…”

“But?” Sonny pressed this time.

“But without her I would have been a lot worse - this,” she threw her hands up, gesturing vaguely to herself, “would have been a lot worse.”

“We’re not asking you to stop seeing her,” Sonny said.

“Good, because I wouldn’t,” Cat replied, her old sass semi-present in her response.

“I’m going to pick you up from there tomorrow night though,” Sonny continued and Cat nodded, understanding his reasoning. 

The phone rang then and Cat jumped to answer it, “Hello? Hope? Hey sweetie, how’re you doing today?” She leaned against the cabinets listening to Hope outline how Mel had managed to sneak her ice cream for lunch and how the nurses had brought her stickers. As Hope wound up her summary of the day she passed the phone to Mel who went out into the hall to chat with Cat briefly.  
—  
“Hey kid, how’re you holding up?” Mel asked as she leaned against the wall by the emergency stairway not far from Hope’s room.

“I’m… okay,” Cat stated, “Really.”

“Yeah? You guys talk at all?” Cat hummed in an affirmative response to Mel’s question. “So, we’re still on for tomorrow night?” Another hum. “Feeling non-verbal tonight?” Another hum. Mel rolled her eyes good-naturedly, “By the way, those briefs you put together for Hope and her case, the lawyer looked them over the other day and thinks that given the current circumstances I’m a likely candidate for fostering her. It’s not official but she and the judge sure were impressed with your work. Sure you don’t want to go into the family business?”

Cat laughed out loud at Mel’s suggestion, causing both Sonny and Raf to both freeze in the realization that they hadn’t heard her really laugh in awhile. Sonny strained to hear the end of the conversation and heard Cat say, “Nah, I don’t think that’s for me Mel. Good to know that I have a back up though if my real plans don’t work out.”

Mel huffed, “Only you would think of law as a back up plan. See you tomorrow kid; get some sleep.”

Hanging up the phone Cat returned to the dining room table, which her papa had cleared in her absence. She remembered when they used to all work around this table at night. When she was younger she’d colour or read while her dads discussed cases, wrote reports, or opening statements. As she got older she did her homework and if she was lucky she’d get a chance to sneak one of her papa’s statements from the pile to read or one of her dad’s reports. She always replaced them before they noticed that something was amiss. 

Raf cleared his throat and Cat snapped back to the present, “You okay?” 

She nodded, “Just thinking. Mel’s lawyer thinks she has a pretty solid case to get Hope as her foster child,” she mentioned.

“That’s great,” said Sonny and Raf nodded along with him.  
“I’m not surprised though given that case file you put together,” Raf remarked, “How long have you been working on it?”

“Only about three months,” replied Cat, blushing at his praise, she paused then quietly said, “And thank you.”

Raf got up to come around the table to drop a kiss on her head, “You’re welcome, sweetheart.” 

“I should go to sleep,” Cat said, “School and everything tomorrow,” she got up to leave the room then suddenly grabbed a pen and post it from the stashes they had all over the apartment because they all got ideas at the most random times. She scribbled something down and gave it to Sonny, it was an address, “I’ll see you tomorrow night.” He nodded, restraining himself from hugging her too much - she’d started tensing at their affection during the latter half of the day and while she’d easily taken Raf’s compliment she was angling herself away from them. “Goodnight, sweetheart.”


	14. Of Pillows, Playlists, and Friendships (that are Stronger than you Know)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sonny goes running. Cat's friend Abby is good with makeup. 
> 
> Cat speaks 4 languages. < Her dads don't know though. 
> 
> Also, Cat chooses to disclose her depression to someone outside of her immediate family.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own Law and Order: SVU

At 4:30 the next morning Sonny woke up, unsure of what had woken him he stayed still, straining to hear whatever it was that had rattled him from dreamworld. 

“Sonny?” Raf’s voice was sleepy as he spoke, “Whass wrong?” he slurred his words as if his words and brain were working at a default level.

Then Sonny heard it, Cat’s bedroom door closed, “Nothing Rafi,” he whispered, “Cat’s going for her run.”

“Wish she wouldn’t,” murmured Raf, “Safe here.”

“I know,” Sonny replied, “but she needs it right now. We can’t just keep her here,” Raf hummed thoughtfully, making Sonny huff out a laugh, “No, Rafi.”

“Didn’t say nothing,” Raf curled back to his pillow, seemingly falling back to sleep while Sonny stared at the ceiling as Cat shuffled around the kitchen. A few minutes later he received a face full of pillow as Rafael turned over glaring at him through his sleepiness, “You going to get up and go with her or contemplate the ceiling until 6?” With that Raf settled himself to fall back to sleep as Sonny slipped from the bed, kissing him on the cheek, “I’ll be back.”

“Better be,” muttered Raf.

He sorted through their closet and grabbed some workout gear, picking up up his phone on his way out. As he approached the kitchen he made sure to scuff a shoe on the floor so as to not surprise Cat. When he rounded the corner she looked up, taking in his attire she didn’t say anything but her entire body tensed for a moment. “Dad?” she said, voice deliberately neutral as she tried to figure out what his plan was.

“May I come with you?” he asked.

Cat stopped filling her water bottle, ‘Why?” knuckles white on the faucet as she turned it off.

Sonny thought about his response as she twirled the top onto her water bottle and ran over her mental list of things she’d need for the day.

“Because it’s important to you.”

Cat huffed out a laugh, “Because it’s keeping me together right?” her tone wasn’t exactly a sneer but it wasn’t overly friendly.

“That too,” replied Sonny.

“And if I say no?”

“You have a choice, Cat, if you say no, I’ll stay here. I won’t follow you. I promise.”

Cat seemed to think this over and just when Sonny thought she was going to refuse his offer outright she spoke again, “May I see your phone?”

Confused he unlocked it and passed it over. Cat typed a few things then passed it back over to him, she’d shared her Running playlist with him, “I run with headphones, you might as well know what I’m listening to,” she said casually. 

Sonny nodded at her but inside he was giddy. Cat usually brushed off peoples’ inquiries into her likes and dislikes on things, preferring to refer to her tastes as eclectic and undefined, which is true but before she’d gotten headphones the apartment used to be full of her music and her movies and television shows. This playlist was a key to who she was at that moment and it made Sonny feel honoured. 

Cat, oblivious to the thoughts running through Sonny’s head picked up her back pack and her garment bag with school clothes, and headed to the door. Sonny followed her as she dropped her pack and clothes off with a local bakery owner whose wife made the breakfast club run each morning. 

“Abby checks in with the club and puts my stuff in my locker,” Cat volunteered as they left the bakery. Sonny nodded, not wanting to press her too much, and so they stretched in silence in a small park before Cat set off, headphones secure in her ears. Sonny follow suit, cuing up her playlist, and listening intently as the first song, ‘Battleships’ by Daughtry flowed through his earbuds. Cat ran like no one else in the world was around, which at 5am in New York City wasn’t exactly the case but her route was obviously well-defined as she pounded the pavement. However, as she took on street after street Sonny noticed that this wasn’t the same route she’d taken last week when he’d shadowed her and he smiled outwardly. Even in her mindset she knew not to leave an easy trail for anyone to follow. A little bit after half an hour Cat slowed her pace, allowing her dad to go from following her to coming up alongside her. They were about a block from Cat’s school when they stopped to cool down in a grassy promenade where several running groups were just getting started on their morning runs. 

Sonny pulled out his phone to check both the time and the song that was playing, taking note of the band’s name - Linkin Park - and the title of the song ‘Sharp Edges.’ He rather liked it although he wasn’t sure if he liked it because it brought him one step closer to getting to know his daughter or whether he just genuinely liked it. He decided it didn’t matter. 

He had about 15 minutes to get back to the apartment so as Cat removed her headphones and packed up her phone he spoke, “Thank you Cat.”

She nodded. No smile today. She tugged at the sleeves of her running jacket self-consciously and he could just make out the line of light pink marks, much like the ones her nails had left on her arms the other night. Before he went to grab a cab he took her by the shoulders gently and kissed her forehead, “Have a good day sweetheart.”

“Love you,” she murmured back.

Sonny worked really hard not to make a big deal out of her declaration, choosing instead to kiss her forehead again, before leaving with a whispered, “Love you more.”

As he threw himself into a cab he thought about the morning, it hadn’t been perfect but then again perfection wasn’t the point. He could confidently go home to Rafi and tell him that he knew more about their daughter now than he had before 4:30am that morning.  
——  
As Cat plaited her hair for the day someone else came into the locker room, “Morning Cat!” Abby LeFrance greeted her friend with enthusiasm and a smile, “How was your weekend?” 

“Not overly interesting. What about you?” Cat asked, catching Abby’s eye in the mirror and seeing her friend’s mouth open in shock, “Abby?”

She rushed over to Cat, “What happened to your face?” 

Cat winced involuntarily as Abby went to touch the bruise on her face, “Cat, who did that to you?” Abby grabbed her friend by the shoulders, “Cat?”

She tried to soothe Abby with a reassuring pat on the arm, extremely thankful that her nail marks were well hidden by her white uniform shirt, “Abby, it’s nothing.”

“It’s not nothing,” Abby insisted, she paused then rushed on, “Cat, I’m worried about you. I thought it was just college stress but there’s something you’re not telling me isn’t there?”

Cat laughed quietly, “Is Mercury in retrograde or something?”

“What? Cat, I’m serious,” Abby said. 

“I know,” Cat said, “It’s just I’ve heard a version of that same observation several times this weekend.” She pulled away from Abby as she rummaged in her bag for some makeup as she pulled out some concealer Abby sighed at her. 

“Just stand there,” said Abby as she whipped out her own makeup kit, “I’ve got something that’ll do the trick much better than that,” she nodded at Cat’s makeup. Swiftly Abby covered up Cat’s bruise, which she had been hiding with her hair for most of the weekend, “Now, can we talk?”

The field hockey team walked in then and Cat grabbed her stuff, leading Abby out into the hallway towards their lockers. 

Abby was not to be deterred though, “Noah told me to talk to you today because he couldn’t get in touch with you this weekend. You can’t just ignore us okay? We worry about you.”

Cat slammed her locker shut with a little more force than necessary, fixing Abby with a look, “Are you and Noah checking up on me? I’m not a child!”

“No, you aren’t, but you are really good at avoiding conversations,” Abby replied, unimpressed with her friend’s attempt to be intimidating, “Like this conversation for example, the one where I tell you I’m concerned about you and then somehow it ends up being about me, extracurriculars, or something else! I’ve been trying to corner you for this talk for over six months!”

“Wow, I am impressive,” Cat snarked sarcastically. 

“You are but that’s not what this is about,” Abby looped her arm through Cat’s and set off with her to first period history, “And now we’re actually going to talk because this,” she touched her own cheek, “Is not normal, even for you.”

As they took their seats, Cat was tempted to slam her head down and scream, that or nap. She didn’t want to have this talk with Abby, but she knew her friend wouldn’t let sleeping dogs lie. She had certainly been trying to suss out the source of what she called Cat’s sea change since it had happened although she’d never been this forward about it; however, being forward and blunt was definitely becoming Abby’s style. 

“Fine, we can talk during free period today,” Cat told Abby right before the bell rang and both girls turned to the front of the class.  
—  
To say that Abby was on pins and needles all day until her final period, her free with Cat, would be to underestimate how nervous the girl was about finally talking to her friend. She wasn’t exactly nervous per say rather she just wanted to be prepared. She, and to a lesser extent, Noah, had noticed Cat withdrawing from their friendships in a way that still kept her involved at the surface level but she seldom found her friend opening up to her anymore. 

That was part of the reason she’d invited Cat on her trip to check out colleges, that and her friend knew what felt like everything about colleges and their admissions processes. 

As the clock struck 2:15pm Abby found Cat waiting for her at the main staircase, her makeup had stayed in place all day thankfully, “How was French class?” Abby asked as they walked back to the residences where Abby stayed with the other boarding students. She had a private room that had been the location of a plethora fun sleepovers/study parties over the years. 

“Good,” Cat replied. 

“It’s quite close to Spanish and Italian isn’t it?” Abby asked, determined to make small talk with her friend as they walked. 

“Yeah, sometimes I have to stop myself,” Cat caught herself.

“I know you speak both Italian and Spanish fluently, remember the Europe trip last year when we got lost in that little town and those locals helped us out?”

“I wouldn’t call me fluent,” Cat replied, bumping into to Abby as she stopped suddenly, “Abby?”

“They don’t know do they?”

“What are you talking about Abby?” 

“Your dads, they don’t know you speak Spanish and Italian, at least not as well as you do. Oh my lord!”

“Abby! Abby, what put that idea in your head?”

Abby marched off down her residence corridor pulling Cat behind her. After unlocking her door, shoving her friend onto her couch, and re-locking the door she continued her train of thought, “Why don’t they know?”

“Abby, what makes you think…” Cat tried to waffle but Abby wasn’t having any of it, not today, not anymore. 

“You never let me finish telling that story about us getting lost,” Abby started. 

“Well, that’s a big leap isn’t it Abby?”

“You didn’t pick it up until grade nine right, when I started here?”

“That’s correct, and your point is?”

“It didn’t stick when you were a kid so you hid it from them when you actually did learn it,” Abby thought out loud, “What else are you hiding from them? And me?”

“Much less than I was last week,” sighed Cat, “Do you want me to give you answers to your questions from this morning or not?”

Abby frowned at her but stopped talking. 

“Look, I’m,” Cat tried to figure out the most efficient way to tell her best girlfriend that she was depressed and instead came up with nothing. 

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen you unable to articulate a thought,” Abby commented, her voice softer than it had been a moment ago, “Cat, what’s going on?”  
“I’m depressed!” As soon as the words left her lips Cat closed her eyes and put her head in her hands, muttering, “I can’t believe that was how I decided to tell you.”

The room was silent. The silence stretched on until Cat could no longer take the suspense and she peeked through her hands at Abby.

Abby was still there, looking at her, a thoughtful but not pitying expression on her face. “I can’t believe I didn’t see it,” murmured Abby, talking mostly to herself, “Cat, I can’t imagine what it has been like for you without people to lean on and me, I call myself your friend, I’m…”

Cat put a hand over her friend’s lips, a serious expression on her face, “Do not apologize,” Abby nodded and Cat took her hand away, “I didn’t just lie to you - I lied to my dads, Noah, the squad…” she sighed running her hands through her hair, “It all came to a head this past weekend. That’s when I got this,” she tapped her cheek, “One of the girls I mentor in Brooklyn - her dad did it - he’s in custody now though.”

“Wait, wait, hold up,” Abby exclaimed, hands up, “You’re doing more volunteering outside of the stuff you do at school?”

“Really, that’s what you got out of that?” replied Cat, fondness mixing with exasperation in her tone.

“So, your dads know now,” she looked at Cat for confirmation, “Noah?” Cat did a seesaw motion with her hand, “Are you seeing anyone? A professional?”

“I’ve been going to therapy for six months Abby,” Cat responded, “I didn’t want to tell anyone. I didn’t want…”

“Didn’t want anyone to treat you differently? Show concern?” Abby asked, “I know why you didn’t tell us - I know you probably wanted to get through this on your own because that’s what you always do.” When Cat went to protest Abby shushed her with a soft smile, “You help everyone around you but you hate people helping you. If it was me you’d tell me that asking for help doesn’t make me weak, it actually makes me strong, but the rules have always been different for you in your own mind.” 

“I never really thought about it like that,” Cat muttered, turning her face away from Abby.

“Hey now, none of that,” Abby said, “Thank you for telling me. I’m here to help,” she paused, thinking, “I can definitely hold you accountable for having fun and de-stressing and you won’t be able to gripe me about it!” She clapped her hands together delightedly. 

Cat turned back to look at her friend, seeing no pity in her face and breathing a silent sigh of relief, “I suppose that might help. Thanks Abby.”

“We’ll start this Friday, low-key, movie night, your place?”

“Umm,” before Cat could come up with an excuse Abby’s tone softened again, “I don’t have to stay. I know that nightmares can be part of what you’re dealing with and I’m assuming you don’t want to share those right now, unless you do,” Cat shook her head, “Okay, cool, so just a movie then? Maybe two?”

“I’ll ask,” Cat replied, a little off kilter at how normal Abby was making her feel. She should have confided in her earlier.

“Okay,” Abby said, then she hesitated, “Can I give you a hug? You look like you might need one?” 

Cat nodded her permission and soon found herself wrapped up in a signature Abby LeFrance hug. It fortified her. Cat didn’t cry like she thought she might instead she just hugged her friend back with all her might. 

“You’ll get through this,” Abby whispered to her.

She could only nod and hug her friend back a little harder.


	15. The Lists Make an Appearance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sonny doesn't have an update for the squad, yet. Abby's googling how to be a supportive friend. Raf's bored and trying to fix problems he can't fix.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't own Law and Order: SVU

Sonny came into the squad room at 6:30, a spring in his step that Liv hadn’t expected to see that morning. Of course, the headphones he was wearing might account for his antics. She took a quick look around, surmising that no one else was really in the general vicinity so stealthily she crept around the room and went to stand right behind her Sergeant so that she gave him what amounted to the fright of his life when turned around.

“Holy hell!” exclaimed Sonny as he almost toppled over his chair, removing his headphones after he regained his balance, “Lieu, don’t, I have a firearm you know…”  
She gave him an unimpressed look, to which he responded, “Yeah, you’d disarm me in less than five seconds. Morning to you too.”

“I didn’t expect to see you in today,” she stated, crossing her arms and leaning on his desk while he put his phone and headphones down, “Or to be in a chipper mood.”

“Cat gave me access to one of her playlists this morning when we went for a run,” Liv cocked an eyebrow at him and he threw up his hands, “I figured if she insists on running at 5 am she might as well have someone with her,” to which Liv nodded, “It just feels like I’ve been given access to something that helps explain her. Maybe that sounds dumb…”

“No,” Liv responded, “Noah really likes this stuff called K-Pop and he’d listen to it non-stop. He talked about it too but only with his friends so I downloaded some and I’ll never forget the look on his face when I mentioned something about one of his favourite bands, his eyes lit up. As if…”

“As if they’re surprised you took an interest,” interjected Fin as he came into the room, “Kid’s interests are the key to their personalities. That’s why I order Thai food when Ken and his husband come over - I don’t love it but it’s great to see how excited they get when you remember stuff like that. Speaking of kids, how’s yours Carisi?”

Sonny’s face fell a bit, “She’s struggling. I don’t know how much she wants other people to know about what she’s dealing with yet though so…”

“No problem,” Liv replied, even though she was anxious for information about her goddaughter, “You guys can let us know when she’s ready. And if you need time we can figure something out, okay?”

Sonny nodded, “Thanks guys; it helps to know the squad has our backs.”

A middle-aged woman appeared in the entryway to the squad-room, two young children 3by her side, “Excuse me, I need to file a report, they directed us here…”

“Back to work,” murmured Liv as Sonny got up to speak to the duo.   
——  
Abby and Cat had eventually fallen into a comfortable silence during which both girls worked on their homework, although Abby couldn’t keep herself from sneaking looks at her friend. Cat graciously ignored her. They had agreed to not discuss Cat’s depression with the rest of their friend group until she felt comfortable with it so Abby was determined to keep a keen watch over her. 

At 5:30, Cat stretched and started to put away the French assignment she’d finished over the past few hours. “You’ve got dinner soon,” she said to Abby, who’d given up on her Spanish assignment half an hour ago in favour of googling “How to help a friend with depression.” She closed the laptop before Cat could see it and got up too. 

“Where are you off to?” Abby asked.

“Brooklyn, that mentoring gig I told you about earlier, it’s in Brooklyn.”

“Need a ride? Luke could always…” Cat waved away her friend’s offer, while Luke Nettle was a pleasant person - he’d been the LeFrance’s chauffeur for over thirty-five years - Cat did not feel up to small talk with the older Scottish man. 

“Well, if you need a ride home…”

“Dad’s coming to pick me up, of course if he gets called in I’ll call you next,” Cat stated, placating her friend. 

“Promise?” Abby queried, holding out a pinkie finger to Cat, “Don’t promise unless you’ll keep it.”  
“When do I ever make promises I don’t keep?” Cat asked, linking pinkies with her friend. 

Abby tilted her head as if thinking about that statement and smiled, “True. Be safe,” she hugged Cat again, quickly, “And think about Friday - if that’s too soon maybe next week?”

“I think that might be best,” Cat responded, “It’s going to be a long enough week as is.”  
“Okay,” Abby offered her pinkie to Cat again, she rolled her eyes but promised again to take Abby up on her offer for the next Friday.  
—  
Sonny had been kept on his feet all day, interviewing witnesses and victims for a new case. However, Raf couldn’t say the same. He’d found himself with a day full of mindless paperwork that wasn’t overly urgent. No decisions awaited him and he felt a little at loose ends. Instead of texting Sonny or Cat like he was tempted to do he pulled out a notebook from his bag. Inside he’d been keeping track of things Cat had told them since Saturday, including things she had said or things they’d inferred from her words. He skipped over that part though, not inclined to revisit those painful revelations at the moment. Instead he flipped to another section he’d been keeping for over two years, it was titled Cat Meets College, a play on words that corresponded with one of Cat’s favourite childhood shows ‘Girl Meets World.’ 

He knew Sonny also had a list. Since neither of them had been privy to Cat’s college road trip they weren’t exactly sure where she was applying so they’d agreed to make lists of possible contenders. Raf glanced down his list, wincing internally when he saw Harvard near the top. He couldn’t believe how much pressure Cat was putting on herself during this process and he was even more frustrated that they couldn’t fix her problems with a snap of their fingers. Dropping the open book onto his desk he pulled up a web browser and began exploring the mental health resources available at each school on his list. 

If he couldn’t fix Cat’s problems he could at least make sure that there were adequate programs available to her at places she might have applied. 

It would keep him busy, for the time being anyways.


	16. One question at a time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sonny goes to Mel's gym. Cat releases a statement. Raf cross-examines Cat - in a loving way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own Law and Order: SVU.

Sonny hadn’t been to a boxing gym since Fin had brought him to one back when he’d started at SVU as an olive branch gesture for all of the paperwork and teasing he’d dealt with as the newest guy on the squad. He hadn’t been half bad apparently but he was nowhere near the level of the people who were currently going at each other in the ring. Two men, probably in their late twenties were ducking and weaving as if they’d been born doing it. 

Closer to the back of the gym he spotted his daughter, demonstrating proper footwork to a young girl who just couldn’t keep her balance. Cat was obviously being very patient and understanding though because although the little girl seemed frustrated she also appeared determined. Sonny smiled, that was definitely the Carisi charm.

“5-O, in the house,” a voice from behind him called, and he turned to see Mel coming down a set of stairs, which he assumed led to her office.

“Dr. Brookes,” he greeted her with a handshake, “How’re you today?”

“Just fine Sergeant, although you can call me Mel,” she nodded in Cat’s direction, “We already had our session for today and she’ll be done soon.”

Sonny nodded, “I couldn’t resist the chance to see her in action.”

“Understandable. She had a decent day by the way,” Sonny looked at Mel, confusion on his face, but she waved it away, “She gave me permission to tell you things that I feel are relevant - for instance: ‘She had a decent day’ - because she’ll forget to tell you. I should also tell you that she’s coming away from this session with some homework of sorts - she wanted to draft a statement for friends and family. Whether she chooses to use it or not is up to her but if she wants to I would suggest you actually distribute it.” 

“That might be easier for the squad and our families to digest honestly,” Sonny stated, “It was totally her idea though wasn’t it?” Mel nodded in confirmation. “Sometimes she is just like Raf, once, after a bad fight he issued me a subpoena for a discussion of our relationship. You’d think I’d do stuff like that, but no,” he smiled at the memory but his mood quickly sobered as he saw Cat glance over at them and see her face close off a bit. “Any advice for how we should be proceeding?”

“Not really, you know her better than you think and certainly better than I do,” replied Mel, “Although you should let her come to you. You’ll find that she can take three steps forward and eight back on any given day. Just love her,” Mel’s eyes narrowed after she finished speaking, looking at something over Sonny’s shoulder, “Excuse me Sergeant.”   
—  
Cat was watching the girls put their gear away when she heard voices behind her, louder and tenser than usual. She turned to see Jerome and Arthur, two of the gym’s regulars knocking gloves with the aura of people who were about to land real punches on each other. She didn’t even think, she just headed over to them, gloves still on while Mel was about to approach from the opposite side. 

As Jerome went to swing, Cat popped up in between them shoving Jerome back, using surprise to add emphasis to her defensive maneuver. Mel paused, just steps from where she’d left Sonny, her arm out, keeping the Sergeant from going to Cat, “Watch,” she said to him. 

Cat had evidently forgotten that her father was present and Mel wanted to take the moment to show him another side to his daughter. 

“What the heck guys?” exclaimed Cat, standing between both men, Arthur’s fists dropped by his sides, “First, the girls are here and what kind of example is that for them? second, you never settle things outside of the ring, remember? and third, drop your gloves - you get them back when you earn ‘em.” Neither man moved. “Now.” Cat’s voice was like ice.

Slowly, both men took off their gloves. Jerome looked like he was going to toss them on the floor when Arthur cleared his throat, and caught his friend’s eye, jerking his head at the cubbies lining the wall. Jerome’s lips were a thin line but he followed Arthur as the group watching broke up, some men went to pick up their sisters or daughter’s from Cat’s class. Cat followed the two men though, “What the hell’s going on?” 

“He doesn’t know the meaning of having someone’s back,” Jerome spat out, “Night Cat,” and he went to locker room.

Cat looked at Arthur, who shrugged his shoulder’s, “Didn’t tell him I was job hunting, I’m leaving the docks soon…”

“Well, you done screwed up Artie,” Cat said sarcastically, then her tone turned serious “He feels stuck - you get that. Give him some time to cool down, then talk to him - lying doesn’t make you many friends. Trust me on that.” Arthur nodded, and then headed for the doors. 

Mel and Sonny came into Cat’s frame of view then, she couldn’t read her dad’s expression and at that moment she was too tired to care about deciphering it. She took off her gloves and stored them, while Mel slipped away back up to her office. 

“Cat,” Sonny said as he reached her, taking her by the shoulders as if to reassure himself that she was in one piece, “That wasn’t…”

“Wasn’t the smartest decision in the world, yeah. What else is new?” she replied, stepping back out of his grip, “I’ve got to get my stuff,” and Mel reappeared holding her backpack and garment bag, “Thanks Mel.” 

“Thank you; I’ll be sure to talk to the guys when I see them next.”

Cat headed towards the door then, Sonny following her unsure of how to act, especially considering how they’d had a pretty productive morning but what he’d experienced several seconds ago hadn’t been the Cat from that morning. Resolving not to puzzle over it and to let Cat lead the way he made his way over to the driver’s side as she stowed her pack and bag in the backseat. 

When she eventually made her way to the front seat she buckled up her seatbelt and looked outside as Sonny pulled away from the curb. As they made their way across town Cat barely kept herself from curling her fingers into a fist and letting her nails cut into her palm. Why had she said that to her dad? All he wanted to do was help. She’d thought it would be a good idea for him to see the gym - see that she’s safe there but obviously that hadn’t been the best idea. When they hit a red light several minutes into their ride uptown Cat couldn’t stand the silence anymore, “I’m sorry I said that, I wasn’t really thinking when I intervened…it was instinct I guess.”

“You have as much self-preservation as I do on some days apparently,” Sonny replied, “I’m not mad at you Cat,” he turned to look at her then, making sure his sincerity came across before turning back to the road as the light turned green, “I know I can’t protect you from everything but just humour me my worry okay?”

Cat let out a huff, “I suppose I could try to do that,” she said slowly, “I can’t promise anything.”

“I’m only asking that you try,” Sonny responded, “Mel said you gave her permission to talk to us?”

“Yeah, I figured you should be able to consult with her if need be. I signed a form about it and everything, it’s all legit.”

“Don’t let your papa hear you using language like that,” Sonny joked.

“But it’s such a timesaver. Anyways, I’m too legit to quit using it.” Cat quipped back, she wasn’t smiling but her voice was warmer than it had been earlier. 

Sonny barked out a laugh, “Well, don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

“I told Abby today,” Cat remarked, “About the depression, not everything else but, she took it well.”

“Mel suggested you might want to inform other people. Liv was asking about you today.”  
“I have a statement - just something short so that I don’t have to have the same conversation with everyone.” 

Sonny nodded, “Makes sense.” They lapsed into silence again, but it wasn’t as uncomfortable as before. 

They were pulling into the underground garage for their building when Cat spoke again, “You can read it if you want, both of you.” 

—

“When she said a statement she wasn’t kidding,” Sonny muttered as he flopped down next to Raf on the couch while his husband was going over Cat’s proposed statement for the squad, her grandparents, and her first cousins, “It reads like a legal brief. Factual, simple, and yet there’s something there that is definitely her.”

“It’s a good idea though,” Raf replied, “There will be questions and she shouldn’t have to answer them over and over. And in this family secrets have a way of not being secrets too long.”

“I can’t tell if I should take offence to that or not,” Sonny remarked off-handedly.

“We’re family now Sonny, and I wouldn’t insult myself,” quipped Raf, rolling his eyes fondly at his husband, “We should tell her it’s good to go.”

As if summoned by his words Cat appeared from her bedroom, headphones in as she made her way to the kitchen, water glass tucked into the crook of her elbow, and an open book propped up on her other hand. Sonny shook his head at the studious spectacle of their daughter who hardly seemed to notice them as she walked into the kitchen. Rafael stood up from the couch, tugging Sonny up with him as he went. 

Cat was humming along to something that sounded vaguely familiar to Raf but he couldn’t quite place it at the moment. She had put her glass away and was absorbed in her reading. Wishing he could telegraph his movements Raf moved slowly towards her, tipping the book down to get her attention. Cat took her headphones out, and closed her book, eyes guarded but she didn’t move away. Both Raf and Sonny stood opposite her, leaving an obvious exit point for her if she felt the need for it. 

Raf extended the printed statement to his daughter, “It’s good.”

Her eyes flashed, with something comparable to disbelief, but she nodded at them all the same, “I’ll send it on then,” she replied. 

“Your dad said you told Abby today,” she nodded again, “I’m glad you’ve got friends like her.”

“I am too,” her voice went quiet, as she thought privately that she had no idea how she deserved friends and family like the ones she had. As if she had spoken her thoughts aloud Raf and Sonny shared a quick glance.

“What class has you reading the Federalist Papers?” Raf queried, steering her away from being too introspective, he pointed at the book she was holding.

“Just some background for Politics,” she responded.

“Not assigned reading then?” 

Cat’s eyes flickered, defensively, “No.”

“Did you eat today?”

“Of course,” she almost scoffed, but held back on using a tone, trying to remind herself that they only wanted to help and they only wanted to know how she was.

“Did you eat dinner?” Raf pressed, Sonny watching the exchange, monitoring Cat’s responses.

Cat tensed, lips becoming a thin line, but while she chewed over the possibility of lying she eventually answered honestly, “No.”

Raf smiled, softly, “Thank you sweetheart.” She smiled tentatively at them then ducked out of the kitchen, tucking her book underneath her arm and went back to her room.

“One day at a time,” Raf murmured.

“One question at a time,” Sonny remarked, kissing Raf lightly, “One question at a time.”


	17. Surprise, talking actually helps

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rita is mentioned. Cat wants to be happy. Cat wants her friends around. Squad family feels.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own Hamilton, In the Heights, or Law and Order: SVU.

At 2:00am Cat was just getting to sleep when she heard her dad making his way down the hallway. If his hushed whispers were any indication he’d gotten a call from Liv and within minutes the apartment door clicked shut. She was wide awake then, and so, apparently was her papa as he shuffled his way quietly down the hall to the living room.

Cat debated whether she should just lie in bed hoping for fatigue to claim her or if she should go out to see him. Eventually, she shuffled out of bed with a yawn, pulling her housecoat on she walked out to where her dad was sitting, staring unseeingly at a notebook. “Papa?” she spoke quietly in an effort not to startle him, unfortunately, he was so lost in thought that she startled him anyway.

“Cat, sweetheart, what’s wrong?” he asked, rising from the couch, closing his notebook, “Did you have another nightmare?” The moment he said it he looked as if he wished he could take the words back, he wasn’t being subtle at all.

“No, I heard dad leave,” she replied, going over to sit on the couch, and he sank back to sit next to her. A silence fell over them as Cat waited for him to speak.

“I suppose it’s not difficult to understand why you thought not telling us about what you’re dealing with would be easier. On nights like these I worry until I hear whether your dad’s safe and coming home in one piece…”

“I didn’t want you to worry about me as well,” Cat interjected.

“Well, tough luck, we worry about you whether you want us to or not,” he paused, carefully considering his words, “But just to be clear, it wasn’t easier for us before Saturday, we simply felt useless.”

“I don’t think either of you have ever been useless,” she remarked.

“Doesn’t mean we don’t feel like it now and then,” he replied, “Kind of like how your mind tells you something about who you are and we see something very different in you.”

Cat was quiet, processing her papa’s words. “I suppose I never really thought of it that way…” she mused, the rest of her sentence was cut off by a yawn.

“Go to sleep Cat,” her papa prodded her gently with his request, “Please.”

“I’ll sleep when you sleep,” she replied stubbornly, tired eyes meeting his and he smiled inwardly at how much she looked like Sonny in that moment. She was equal parts puppy dog and overly determined child, a combination that usually only made an appearance when Sonny was especially sleep-deprived.

“Okay,” he responded, getting up from the couch and then offering her his hand, “If I try will you try?”

Surprised at his agreeability Cat took her papa’s hand and let him lead her back to her room. At her door she felt a crazy urge to ask him to tuck her in, maybe tell her a story or sing her a song like he used to when she was small. Shaking her head briefly she rid herself of her foolish and childish thoughts. Wishing her papa goodnight she settled herself back into bed letting sleep take her as Raf made his way to the master bedroom. As he folded down the covers again, he leaned over to touch Sonny’s pillow - still indented and smelling like his husband. When he rolled back into bed he thought idly of how nice it would have been to make sure Cat was actually sleeping but, his last thought before he fell asleep was that he needed to trust her word. His love demanded that he protect her, listen to her, and trust her.  
—  
Cat’s alarm went off four hours later, and as she rolled over to silence it she realized that she didn’t feel the urge to go running that morning. Maybe Mel had been on to something on Monday night when she’d told her that talking really did help dispel some of her more problematic behaviour. Deciding not to spend too much time thinking about it Cat pulled herself out of bed and set about getting ready for the day.

By 6:30 she was in the kitchen, making herself a small bowl of oatmeal for breakfast when her papa breezed in to grab a cup of coffee. If he was surprised to see her still in the apartment he didn’t give any indication. As she started to eat his phone rang and as he answered it he rolled his eyes, “Rita, I’m on my way.”

Cat smirked as her papa exchanged barbs with Rita. She stared at her food. She wasn’t overly hungry and ended up only eating half her bowl before she rinsed it out.

“I’ll see you in fifteen,” he said as he ended the call, sighing, “Honestly, that woman,” he muttered under his breath.

“She wants a deal?”

“When doesn’t she? But now of course she wants me to rule on evidence, because I don’t make those deals anymore,” he took a long sip of his coffee before Cat pushed a travel mug at him.

“Shouldn’t you go?”

“Isn’t that my line?” he asked, eyes surveying his daughter, “Did you sleep last night?”

“Surprisingly, yeah, I did.”

“Good. Your statement, I’m getting one to Carmen and Rita, anyone else you want to tell?”

Cat shook her head.

“Okay, have a good day at school sweetheart.” He picked up the mug, his briefcase, and left, his phone ringing again as he closed the door behind himself.

“Barba,” he answered, wondering if perhaps he shouldn’t have been so casual with Cat that morning, the person who’d called him was in the middle of a sentence when he snapped to attention, right he had work to do, “I’m sorry, can you repeat that Counsellor?” he requested as he walked down to the uber he’d ordered.  
—  
Abby met Cat at school, the latter had already covered up her bruise that morning but her friend insisted on touching up her makeup anyways. Cat would hardly admit it but she liked how Abby was fussing over her, it made her feel like maybe she was worth being protected. That feeling of worthiness disturbed her a bit, it was so at odds with her emotions and her illness but she tried her best to embrace it.

“All finished,” Abby replied, tapping her friend lightly on her nose, “You look great, as usual.”

Cat scoffed but Abby didn’t jump on her for it, for which she was grateful. She needed to battle her demons one at a time. “So, did you end up figuring out what you’re going to do for your Spanish project?” Cat asked as the girls walked back into the hallway together.

“Well, I’m supposed to look at something that uses Spanish in a modern context and lots of people are doing pop music but I want to do something different.”

“You mean you want to do something that’s more intellectual than dissecting an Enrique Iglesias song,” interjected a new voice, Willow Black joined Cat and Abby as they made their way to first period, “Tiff and her squad are working on a whole album, basically all they’re doing is talking about how ‘hot’ he is,” the girl rolled her eyes.

“But Spanish music is a good idea,” Cat said, “It doesn’t have to be pop music though.”

“If we could find something big enough both of us could do the project together,” Willow reminded Abby.

“I know, I just don’t want to do something so mainstream,” replied Abby.

“What about a musical?” Cat suggested.

“Which one?” Willow asked, “I can’t think of one that happened recently.”

“Well, it happened in the 21st century, is that modern enough?”

“Yeah, that makes it modern enough for us,” Willow stated, “What’re you thinking Cat?”

“Have you ever heard _In the Heights_?” Cat queried.

“Didn’t the guy who wrote _Hamilton_ write it?” Willow interjected.

“Yeah, Lin, right? What’s it about?” Abby asked, steering the group into their class.

“Why don’t you come over after school, and you can listen to the album with me?” Cat offered, smothering her fear of letting her friends in and she was rewarded by a blinding smile from Willow.

“Really? That’d be awesome Cat,” she exclaimed, their teacher appeared then so they all turned their attention to the front but before they parted ways at the end of the class Abby slipped her a note that read ’I’m proud of you.’ Cat smiled, she could do this, not for other people but for herself. She missed feeling happy. When Willow caught up with her at the end of the day immediately launching into a story about gym class she couldn’t help but feel a spark of hope ignite in her belly.  
—  
Sonny rubbed at his eyes, they’d been up since 2:00am and now it was noon but thankfully they had caught the perp rather quickly. In fact, once he filed his report he could go home. He dug into his desk drawer for a Tylenol and came up with small stack of papers, he huffed, “Cat’s statement,” he murmured. He’d tossed them into his desk upon arriving at work and then they’d been out and about.

After a quick glance around the squad room, making sure everyone was there he signed off on his final report of the shift and made his way over to Liv’s office. She called him in once he knocked, “Reports are done Lieu,” he said, depositing them on her desk.

“Thanks Sonny, I guess we can tell everyone to go home,” she said, eyes lifting from her work fleetingly.

“Actually, I was wondering if I could speak to everyone for a moment before they left,” Sonny stated, and Liv stopped typing on her computer to look at him, “Cat figured out what she wanted to say to them.”

“Oh,” she spoke slowly, “That’s good right?”

“I think so,” he responded, “Although to be honest she’s a bit of an enigma, especially now.”

“Not unlike Raf then,” Liv remarked.

Sonny snorted, “Yeah, something like that Lieu.”

“Do you want to do it here?” Liv gestured at her office, at Sonny’s shrug she rolled her eyes and called the squad inside.

“What’s up?” Fin asked, settling into a chair as Liv indicated one to him silently.

Rollins looked a little on edge so Sonny spoke up, “Just sit down Amanda, please.” She complied although she looked liked she wanted to say something very opinionated.

Sonny closed the door and turned to face his expectant coworkers, “It’s about Cat,”

Amanda broke in, “Is she okay?” Fin cleared his throat, giving Rollins a look, “What? I knew something happened last weekend; everything happens when I go out of town.”

Before Amanda could continue speaking about being out the loop Sonny pressed on with his explanation, “She’s, well she’s physically fine,” images of the marks she’d inflicted upon herself flashed through his mind but he pushed them back, “Cat’s struggling with depression and she has been for some time. She gave us statements that she wants us to share with relevant people in her life.” He passed a piece of paper to each of his colleagues and waited while they read silently.

“Well, if there was ever any doubt that she’s your and Barba’s kid this proves it,” murmured Amanda, “A statement,” she laugh quietly, her voice cracking as she kept speaking, “Three years?”

Sonny nodded.

“And we call ourselves detectives,” Amanda spoke, her tone harsh but not pointed at anyone in particular.

“How’s she holding up?” Fin cut in before Amanda could continue.

“All things consider, much better than anticipated but it’s not easy. The honesty isn’t easy to handle and neither are her symptoms,” Sonny stated, “But there’s hope.”

“So, she needs to learn to trust us again?” Liv spoke for the first time since Sonny had distributed the papers.

“Yeah, she’s trying but I don’t want to push her,” Sonny said, “But she wanted you to know so I think that means she wants to try and trust again at least.”

“I’ve missed seeing her,” Amanda commented, “It would be nice to see her around the squad room again. We’ll help in anyway we can Sonny,” she got up to hug her friend fiercely, “And that goes for you and Barba, this can’t be easy for either of you. We’re here for you too.” He smiled at her as she hugged him again, making eye contact with first Liv and then Fin who nodded back at him.

“Thank you guys," Sonny replied, hope swelling in his chest. 


	18. Seven Schools

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cat sings. There's 'In the Heights.' Oh, and a file box comes out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own In the Heights or Law and Order: SVU.

<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pB1UnDrRPNs>

Listen to 'Breathe' here ^

\----

In hindsight Cat almost wishes she hadn’t mentioned _In the Heights_ to her friends as she pressed play on her laptop.

Willow, and Abby had caught up with her at the end of the day and together they’d walked to the apartment, the other two providing most of the conversation. Cat hadn’t brought friends home in awhile, except for when she was tutoring them and that hadn't happened in awhile. She'd tried to keep people from coming home with her out of the fear that depression was something people could sense in the painful organization of her room or the curled corner of her poster on the wall. That afternoon though, it felt different for her.

She wanted to share with her friends, even if it was just one of her favourite musicals… Except she’d forgotten about ‘Breathe' - the second track on the album and a song that hit way too close to home for her at the moment, so subtly she pressed shuffle to give herself some time to process how she was going to react to the song.

Though Willow and Abby noticed the jumps in the songs they didn’t mention it, both had read up on the show during break that day. Halfway through the songs, both girls had filled up several pages of notes and project ideas. “Intermission?” Cat suggested.

“Yes, please,” Abby responded, getting up from chair she’d been sitting on, “Might I trouble you for water, Cat?”

“What are you, Queen Victoria? Get your own damn water your highness,” quipped Willow, giving Abby a look of fond exasperation.

“Well, I never!” Abby put a hand over her heart as if offended, laughing she broke character and asked if the other two wanted anything. Cat started to get up as if to help but Willow put a hand on her arm, “I’m sure she can find the kitchen, Cat, let her be an adult for once.”

Sticking her tongue out at Willow, Abby flounced off to the kitchen. Willow chuckled and took her hand off Cat’s arm. A silence descended over the two friends, until Willow spoke, “You doing okay Cat?”

Cat turned to look at her, Willow’s green eyes met hers but she didn’t know what to say. Turns out, she didn’t have to, “I’m glad you invited me over today, well, us,” Willow jerked a thumb towards the kitchen where Abby was, “You haven’t exactly been yourself this year… It’s okay not to be okay, y’ know.”

Huffing out a laugh Cat sighed, stretching out her legs in her bay window, “I’ve heard a few iterations of that over the past few days, I appreciate it though.”

“Well, as difficult as it might be to believe we’ve got your back,” Cat, tipped her head, surprised at Willow’s response.

“Don’t think I haven’t missed the fact that you’ve edited my Princeton essay seven times, and prepped me for my Berkeley interview on the off chance it happens but I haven’t any idea of where you’re applying,” Cat blushed and looked away, “I figured you would come to me when you were ready but you haven’t, whatever is going on, I’m here. Just saying.”

“Thanks,” whispered Cat as Abby came back into the room with a tray of lemonade, fruit, and cookies.

“What did you do?” Willow asked her, confusion in her voice, “I asked for water, Abby. As in H2O.”

“Dad,” Cat replied, as Abby nodded, setting the tray down, “He worked an early morning shift today.”

“He probably just wants to make sure you eat,” Willow said, shaking her head at the food before digging in heartily, “You know there’s a correlation between good food and learning, right? Plus, did you even eat lunch?”

“Yeah, I ate,”

“Cheese and crackers?” “A salad?”

“Maybe,” Cat replied, the truth was she'd eaten an apple because her stomach had been turning somersaults thinking about the afternoon.

“Eat,” Willow, gave her a cookie.

Cat nibbled on the oatmeal raisin cookie as she pressed play on the music again.  
——  
Eventually they got to ‘Breathe.’ Instead of turning away and looking out the window while it came on though, Cat sang along, quietly. As she sang Willow got up onto the window seat and leaned against her, grounding her. Cat’s eyes closed as she got to, “When I was a child I stayed wide-awake…” and stayed closed until the song finished. Abby came over to her friends then and wiggled into a spot on Cat’s other side. She didn’t even have to say a word, her friends just knew. The three of them stayed like that for a bit, comforting Cat without words.

“You weren’t kidding about actually knowing Spanish,” Abby commented in the silence.

Cat chuckled, “I never admitted to it, Abby.”

“Well, your accent is better than mine,” Abby replied.

“Everyone’s accent is better than yours, except for mine,” Willow remarked and Cat laughed at them.

“You just have to practice it,” Cat responded.

“Would you help us?” Willow queried innocently.

“Do I have a choice?” Cat asked lightheartedly.

“Unless you want to be going to Princeton without us because we failed Spanish,” Abby commented.

“Nice guess, but I’m not applying to Princeton,” Cat quipped, finally getting out of the bay window.

“I’m going to figure them out,” Abby told her friend, “How many are there anyway?”

“Three? Ten?” Willow guessed.

“Seven,” replied Cat, “Those are the only hints you’re getting right now,” she tossed Willow her phone, “Your mom’s downstairs to pick you up.”

“Seven, okay, we can work with that,” Abby said happily, hopping off the bay window, turning to Willow she asked, “Could I catch a ride with you?”

“Course,” Willow replied. Both girls picked up their bags and headed to the door. Abby dropping off the empty tray of food off in the kitchen before they called farewells to Sonny and Raf who were working at the dining room table.  
—  
As she shut the door, Cat felt her breath catch, she hadn’t expected both of her dads to be home. It sent anxiety coursing through her for no reason other than it had thrown off her expectations of the night. Taking in a breath or two, Cat felt herself level just a touch, she should be happy to see them. She should go talk to them, but at the last second she freaked out and ducked into the kitchen to wash the tray and lemonade pitcher.

“It could have been worse,” Sonny remarked quietly as Cat disappeared into the kitchen to wash up, “Hiding fluency in a language isn’t exactly a felony Rafi.”

“It isn’t a felony at all. I know that but,” Raf murmured back, “my concern is that she thinks she’s disappointing us - she hasn’t done anything,” his voice rose just a touch then he lowered it abruptly, “She just needs to breathe.”

Sonny quirked an eyebrow at him, “My reference to Broadway was completely unintentional,” his husband replied, “You know this probably also means that she speaks Italian, right?”

Sonny looked shocked as if the idea hadn’t occurred to him and Raf rolled his eyes, patting his husband’s hand lightly, “And they call you a detective.” It was Sonny’s turn to roll his eyes at Raf.

“I’m going to ignore that and move on to the fact that now we have an actual number of schools she’s applying to,” Sonny said, his voice still quiet, “How many do you have on your list?”

“Five,” Raf replied.

“I’ve got five too,” Sonny said, “Well, maybe between us we can get them all.”

“All what?” Cat appeared in the dining room, both men hadn’t heard her come in and their shock, though not evident on their faces showed in their eyes. She’d made a decision in the kitchen, it was something she had talked to Mel about during almost every session - telling her dads where she was applying - but here conversation with Willow made her realize that she wasn’t being fair to the people around her. Not only that but she actually wanted them to know.

At that moment someone buzzed up to the apartment and Sonny went to go get the Chinese food they’d ordered, leaving Raf and Cat alone. Cat raised her eyebrows at her father, asking him her question again but without words. It was kind of intimidating.

“Is this what it feels like when I talk to other people?” Raf asked as Sonny reappeared, gesturing at Cat and her unimpressed expression, “Because if yes, damn am I impressive.”

Cat laughed, a smile taking over her face as Sonny laid out the food while Raf cleared away their work, it was mostly busywork - research and the like - it wasn’t something that would distract them from talking to Cat.

“I’ll let it go,” Cat said as she sat down to eat, “For now.” She tucked into her food happily, eating well, while Raf spoke about his meeting with Rita and opposing counsel that morning. Once they’d finished eating, Raf cleaned up quickly and rejoined his family where Sonny told Cat that he’d spoken to the squad that day.

“Amanda wants you to call her sometime this week,” Sonny concluded, and Liv’s invited us over for dinner on Friday with her and Noah if you’re free.”

“Sounds good; I’ll talk to Amanda tomorrow on lunch.”

“It was good to see Abby and Willow back around here,” Raf remarked.

“They needed some help with ideas for their Spanish project,” Cat replied.

“And you’d be ideal, given your fluency with the language,” Raf commented, looking at his daughter, hoping he hadn’t been too forward.

“Yeah, I am,” Cat answered, her voice shook a bit but she didn’t look away from him, “I am fluent, now anyways.”

“That’s amazing cariño,” Raf responded, his voice proud but he tried to go for not overwhelming her. 

Cat didn’t blush or leave, she looked mildly uncomfortable but eventually murmured out, “Thank you.”

“So, all of what?” Sonny’s forehead creased in confusion until he remembered what they’d been talking about dinner. “You know, I think I know what…” Cat got up, turned, “Stay here,” and went off to her room.

Raf and Sonny looked at each other nonplussed until Cat came back to the dining room, a portable file box in her hands. She placed it on the table, and unsnapped the latches on it, “This is them, all seven,” she said. Both men got to their feet to look at the content of the box.

Each file was labelled, and Raf put his hand out to flip through them, looking at Cat for permission before actually touching it.

Berkeley.

Cornell.

Harvard.

University of Illinois.

Kenyon.

Smith College.

Yale.

There they were, all seven application packages Cat had been assembling for the past few months.

Sonny could only look at them while Raf stopped after he flicked over Yale, then turned to her. Cat was breathing deeply, trying to rein in her fear and anxiety. Then her papa looked at her and her heart jumped into her throat until he opened his arms, eyes begging her to let him hug her. She flew into his arms and he hugged her close. Sonny joined them not a moment later.

“Thank you,” both men whispered to Cat as she let herself revel in being held and being safe.


	19. Of nightmares and late night walks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cat's nightmares escalate. Barba goes to Brooklyn (kinda).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own Law and Order: SVU
> 
> *This chapter mentions self-harm, thoughts of suicide (vaguely), and child abuse (it takes places in a dream).

Cat woke up not an hour after she’d fallen asleep, blood spotting her arm where she’d scratched at it during her nightmare. Her head was spinning and she felt sick. She also felt incapable of movement now that she’d awoken. She struggled to breathe deeply, eventually getting to a place where she could do. The spinning slowed. 

“Three steps forward, seven steps back,” she thought tiredly as she painstakingly began the process of psyching her body up to move. She started with her feet, willing her toes to twitch and strain. Slowly, her body woke up, allowing her to move as long as she didn’t make any sudden movements. The only thing she was grateful for was that there was no indication that she’d cried out during her nightmare. It was a small blessing that her dads weren’t in her room yet because she had the sneaking suspicion they wouldn’t be okay with her declining to talk about the contents of her dream. And this, this had been different… Her dreams had finally escalated. 

She absently rubbed a hand over her cheek, wincing as she touched the remnants of her bruise from Murphy Mayhew, except for a moment that pain made her dream feel so real. Her logic abandoned her for a moment and she could believe for a fleeting moment that she’d earned the bruise at the hands of her papa. Then reality returned to her. It returned with great force, enough that she felt herself go breathless. 

“No,” she said inside her head, thoughts suddenly racing, “No, no, no. NO.”

She was restless. She couldn’t stay in bed a moment longer. She needed to get out, out of her room, out of the apartment. Even though it was late, a quarter to midnight by her alarm clock, Cat wanted to get out. Slipping on her running shoes and exchanging her PJ bottoms for sweats she exited her room. The living room was dark so she didn’t stop to inspect it. Instead she, headed straight for the door and exited, locking it behind her. 

Cat had one destination in mind, the Brooklyn Bridge. She needed to stare down the water, she needed to remind herself that she had more to live for and that her life was worth living.   
—  
Raf sat up from where he’d been laying in the darkness, Sonny had gone to bed earlier but he’d stayed up going over the schools Cat was applying to in his mind. The names played like ticker-tape behind his eyelids. When he heard Cat’s quiet footsteps he stayed still, waiting until the door closed to follow her. 

Despite he seeming need to move she waited patiently at the bank of elevators when Raf left the apartment. He’d scribbled a quick note to Sonny, taping it on the back of the door before leaving. Cat’s hands clenched and unclenched as she waited.

“You know, when I was a child I used to vanish all the time,” he spoke causally as he approached her, watching her frame tense and then forcibly relax, “I used to end up on the roof of our building, from there you could see the whole city.”

As he came to stand next to her, two feet between them, the elevator dinged. He got in, holding the doors for her until she stepped in too. 

“My mother hated it. She was always afraid I’d fall. So, one day Mami decided she’d stay there with me. She did work on there for weeks on end, even in the winter. She’d write lists, speeches, and curriculum plans,” the elevator reached the ground floor and Raf stepped out, cocking her head at Cat who exited, less skittish than she’d been when she entered the elevator. She still wouldn’t look him in the eye though.

He could work with that though.

“So, if you’re going off to Brooklyn in the middle of the night I’d rather be with you than not, okay?” 

At the mention of her destination Cat visibly flinched, even in the darkness of the evening Raf could see her body recoil. He reached out a hand to her, when she took a step back, intentionally putting more distance between them. 

“Okay.” he whispered.

Pausing, he breathed in the cool air and then, rubbing his hands together started to walk, calling back over his shoulder, “Can we walk? I’m not really up to a run at this hour.”

Cat stood stock still, staring, then silently she followed him, easily drawing level with him. There was still distance between them but Raf was confident over the pending two-hour walk they could close some of it. He hoped so at least.


	20. Midnight Express Diner

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Raf and Cat talk at the Midnight Express (it's a real 24hr diner in NYC).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Brief mention of dream abuse/suicide.
> 
> I do not own Law and Order: SVU

They’d been walking for only about fifteen minutes, in utter silence, the city noisy around them when Cat turned left when Raf expected her to go right. She walked with purpose though so he followed her lead until another ten minutes went by. They were getting further and further from where Raf thought they’d be going and just as he opened his mouth to say something - maybe joke about getting murdered in an alleyway - his face scrunched, yeah, not the joke for the night, they turned onto a road he recognized. 

Cat set off for a door he knew well, Midnight Express Diner had been the location of many a family day outings. Given it was always open Raf and Sonny had spent several late nights there when their friendship had started blossoming into a relationship. She paused by the door, quirking an eyebrow at him, or so he assumed, it was dark out. As he walked forward Cat entered the diner and a waiter who knew her indicated a booth at the back, quieter, with a view of the door. 

“You’re nothing if not your father’s daughter,” Raf commented as he slid into the booth across from his daughter, jerking his head at the unencumbered view of the door and the entire restaurant.

“I suppose I picked up some quirks,” Cat replied, skillfully not making eye contact with her papa. 

“I must admit, I thought we’d be going further,” Raf spoke casually, but his eyes were sharp as he surveyed his daughter.

“I’m okay,” Cat replied, still not looking at him.

“What does that mean Cat?”

At that moment their waiter came over, “I’ll take a hot chocolate and he’ll have a coffee, black.”

Raf chuckled at Cat’s assumption but he didn’t refute it. He doubted he would sleep much that night anyway. 

When their waiter left he asked the question again, “What does ‘okay’ mean Cat?”

“It means that while I might have left the apartment with the intention of going to Brooklyn I no longer want to,”

“Because you’re with someone else?”  
“Because you won’t, can’t understand why,” Cat interjected, “I just needed to get out… I couldn’t be there.”

“What happened in your nightmare?” Raf asked, Cat chose to survey the diner instead of answering him so Raf switched tactics, “Why do you assume we can’t understand what you’re going through?”  
She made eye contact with him this time, “Can you?”  
Raf almost squirmed under her gaze, “No, not entirely anyways.”

Cat nodded, turning her head to look out over the diner again when Raf reached out to touch her hand, trying to ground her and keep her attention. She flinched, her other hand going up to touch her bruise, then froze as her papa took in her demeanour. She counted breaths in her head to stave off a panic attack as her papa’s eyes flicked from her hand on her cheek to his hand then up to her eyes. 

Their waiter reappeared then with their drinks, depositing them quickly then he bustled off elsewhere. Raf still hadn’t let go of Cat’s hand. She knew he had worked enough SVU cases to draw conclusions but she didn’t want him to draw anything, she just wanted her nightmare to become a memory that she could soon forget. Forcing herself to unfreeze she turned to face her papa face on, “Papa,” but when she met his eyes she didn’t know what to say. She could see the moment when her brief reaction clicked in his mind, she could almost see him cataloguing her lack of desire to stand near him that night, she saw his heart break as he fit the puzzle pieces together. Raf went to withdraw his hand from Cat’s but she placed her other hand overtop his, “You can’t fix me,” Cat spoke in a hushed and hurried tone, “I may never be what you want, I may never go back to who I was before this but I do know something for certain, my nightmares aren’t real.”

“Cat,” her papa’s voice broke and she ploughed on with her words, trying to make him understand. 

“Papa, you’ve never hurt me,” she gripped his hand tightly, trying to convey her conviction through action rather than words, something he’d always taught her to avoid when arguing. She couldn’t stop though. 

“Present circumstances would indicate differently, Cat, both of us left you suffer like this for years,” he pulled his hand from his daughter’s grip. Now he was the one refusing to look at her, “That’s negligence at the very least… and if you’d jumped, well, a case could probably be made for neglect and murder.” His voice had gone cold, his expression distant. 

“Stop it,” hissed Cat, demeanour shifting to react to him, “Stop it!”

Surprisingly, he did. His eyes cleared and her looked at his daughter, her eyes hurt and well, he couldn’t have that, could he? “Cat, this isn’t going to be easy for any of us to weather… and to know that your mind,”

“That’s just it, it’s my mind, it’s not my reality. It twists everything good… and this, our family, it is something good,” she responded, looking exhausted all of a sudden. Raf remembered then that it was past midnight.

“You spoke earlier about needing to be fixed sweetheart,” she nodded, “Well, in order to fix something or someone they need to be broken first. You aren’t broken,” he said, sinking back into booth like her. The late hour was catching up to him too. 

“We’re going to have a lot more of these interactions aren’t we?” he asked, almost rhetorically as he tossed a bill down on the table. They both rose, leaving their beverages untouched. 

“Probably, Mel thinks it’ll get worse before it gets better,” she conceded as they walked out to the sidewalk, side by side. Raf relished the happiness he felt having her walk close to him again.

They walked up the street, heading home in the early morning, arms brushing as they walked but Raf wouldn’t push her. It turns out Cat needed some reassurance that they were okay because she slipped her hand into his when they stopped at a crosswalk, tangling her fingers with his, hand shaking slightly. He secured their grip and they walked like they used to when she was small and the biggest problem they ever had to face was what book he would read her before bed. He did the best character voices.

As they approach the lobby of their building Cat untangled their hands and stopped, making her papa stop too, “I never really wanted to die. I just wanted to feel. Going to the bridge helped me feel alive.”

Raf was shaken by her words, he had no idea how to react. 

“You don’t have to say anything but I thought you should know, even if my mind presented me the option, it wasn’t the deal I wanted, not for you and dad,” Raf opened his mouth to object to her rationale, “and not for me either. I know I have to live for me papa. You taught me that.” Raf closed his mouth and smiled instead of speaking, holding out his hand to her again Cat took it and they headed inside.


	21. Statements, Phone calls, and Series

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cat's friends know what's up. Even the ones you haven't met yet. Also, Noah is super concerned but doesn't want to freak her out.
> 
> And, Cat and Amanda have their phone call during which they discuss dresses and Buffy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for not updating sooner. I just moved to a new city for grad school and everything has been a bit crazy. Please read and enjoy though! 
> 
> I do not own Buffy or Law and Order:SVU

As Wednesday bled into Thursday Cat started getting nervous for dinner with Liv and Noah the next night. Rationally, she knew she was being ridiculous but that didn’t stop her from freaking out a bit, which is why as she twirled a pen in her hand during study hall Willow didn’t say anything about how annoying she was being. However, if her friend’s frequent looks were anything to go by Cat figured she should stop fidgeting and leave before she started tapping the desk or something. Closing her books she headed to the library but changed her mind on the way there and instead headed for her English teacher’s classroom. Ms. Saunders opened her class during one of her prep periods a week in order to give her students a place to study that was less intimidating than the quiet of the library but less regulated than study hall. Just as she rounded the corner on the third floor that would take her to English Cat almost ran right into Jacob Marks.

Stealing herself to deal with Jacob’s stupidity Cat sighed internally. 

“Hey look, it’s the little lawyer in training,” crowed Jacob.

“If this is about Law class Marks, well, you could have taken me up on my offer of a deal,” replied Cat, just keeping herself from rolling her eyes.

“Was that supposed to be an insult, Marks?” interjected another voice, a male one, from behind Cat. Timothy Watt, flanked by his brother Ashley, and Ash’s girlfriend, Kelsey Russ.

“If it was, it was terrible,” Kelsey remarked, “Why don’t you go away?”

Realizing he was terribly outnumbered Jacob just glared at Cat before stalking off in the other direction. “Man, he needs to learn to deal with people,” muttered Ash, “You okay, C?”

Deciding not to answer his question Cat turned to look at them, “I thought you guys weren’t coming back until tomorrow?” she nodded at Ash and Tim.

“Well, the tournament ended yesterday so we came back for today,” replied Tim, “Want to grab lunch with us?” 

At the moment there was nothing Cat wanted to do less. True these three were her friends, her other close friends, next to Noah, Abby, and Willow but she’d dealt with so much this week that she just wanted to be alone. Of course, she didn’t feel comfortable telling them that. Maybe it was because Tim was Noah’s closest guy friend, he’d stayed in school for an extra year to bring his grades up. Maybe it was because Kelsey and Ash were some of the most empathetic people she knew and she worked very closely with both of them on numerous initiatives. She didn’t want them to think she was cracking up or unable to handle her responsibilities. Plastering a smile on her face she grinned at them, “Sure, I was just escaping study hall.”

As she followed the trio down to the lunchroom her stomach twisted. She didn’t want to lie to them throughout lunch but she wasn’t exactly in the mood for a reveal either then a solution occurred to her. She still had a copy of the statement she’d given her dads, maybe… maybe she could give it to her friends and tell them that way. With that in mind she stopped walking, “I just need to grab something from my locker.”  
“I’ll go with you. I want to drop these books off at mine,” Kelsey said, to the guys she shooed them away, “Go on ahead.”

As soon as the guys were out of earshot Kelsey looked at her, “Willow talked to me.”

Cat almost rolled her eyes, “Really? I don’t need some secret support group Kels!” she said, but there was no real heat behind her words.

“We’ve all been worried but it was difficult to figure out what was going on so we didn’t say anything, which was stupid I know but…” Kelsey geared up for a full-length ramble, which she was famous for, when Cat held up a hand.

“Breathe,” Cat ordered her, “I get it. Although I kind of wish someone had said something earlier,” she muttered, “So you know, I’m dealing with some shit right now. This doesn’t mean I’m incapable of handling any of my responsibilities and it doesn’t mean I need to be treated like I’m fragile, understood?” At Kelsey’s nod Cat breathed out and the girls continued walking, “Does this mean Ash and Tim know too?” 

“Yeah, but not from me or Willow,” Kelsey rushed out, “I figured Tim probably heard from,”

“From Noah, yeah. I’m seeing him for the first time since last Saturday tomorrow and I don’t really know what to expect. His texts have been pretty normal but still…” she trailed off as they stopped at their lockers.

“He’s basically your big brother and he worries about you almost as much as your dads,” continued Kelsey as she lodged her books on top of her backpack in her locker. 

“Yeah,” Cat, exhaled again, then, staring at her locker, she realized she didn’t need her statement anymore, “Listen, I actually don’t need anything from my locker so we can go for lunch if you want.”

“I think going for lunch with us seems to be the last thing you want right now,” Kelsey said, this time she was the one to raise a hand to stop Cat’s protests before they began, “Come buy food with us and then go, chill, but stay away from Jacob Marks, k? That guy’s an idiot, even if he does have a 3.8 GPA.” 

“Okay,” Cat conceded, “I should probably eat.”

“That’s the spirit!” Kelsey said, hooking her arm around Cat’s, “Let’s go.”

Cat only wished she could have the same positive attitude tomorrow night that Kelsey had about getting her to eat.  
———  
Friday night - Liv and Noah’s apartment

To say Noah was nervous was an understatement. He hated it. Cat was his best friend for goodness sakes and he didn’t want to tiptoe around her but some part of him was convinced that he (and to a lesser extent other people close to Cat) were responsible for what she was dealing with at the moment. “Or has been dealing with for the past three years,” his brain reminded as his eyes flicked to the statement his mom had brought home from work a few days ago, “Three years!” he thought again, groaning internally. How had this happened?  
——  
To say that Cat was anxious about dinner was a gross understatement. She’d planted herself in the kitchen upon arriving home that afternoon, not trusting herself to go for a run that might end up stretching into a walk several hours long. She had gotten much work done though and it was driving her to distraction. No one was home yet but he dad and papa were supposed to come home together that night around 5, then they’d leave for Liv’s around 5:45. She tapped away at her computer as the clock on the wall ticked past seconds, hands nowhere near 5pm. Just as Cat was about to slam her laptop shut and give in to her desire to edit her Cornell application again her phone rang. It was Amanda. 

Cat let it ring for a moment before picking it up, “Hello,” she said. 

“What happened to calling me, darling?” the voice on the other end of the phone was teasing, sweet, like sunshine just like her dad.

Cat swore under her breath, she had actually forgotten to call Amanda. It hadn’t been a tactic to avoid the Detective but she was unsure where Amanda would allow her that excuse, even if it was the truth. 

“Cat?” Amanda asked, snapping the girl back to attention.

“Sorry, ‘Manda, forgot,” Cat’s words tripped out of her mouth, a stark contrast to her usually well-composed sentences.

“It’a okay sweetie,” Amanda soothed her, voice going a touch softer than it had been before, “I just wanted to talk for a bit if you have time?”

She was giving Cat an out, and the girl could have hugged for it if they’d been talking in person, “No, I mean, yes, I have time now,” she sighed, “It was a long week,” wishing that explained her feelings right now and knowing it didn’t even come close. 

“That’s okay, we all have times like that darling,” Amanda settled into the couch at the top of the squad room, watching her colleagues wrap up their last cases for the day as the nightshift came in to cover for things. Liv and Sonny had been in her office for awhile debriefing a case he and Fin had worked. “So, tell me, have your found a prom dress yet?”

“What?” Cat responded, thinking she must have misheard Amanda.

“Or least once for the Christmas Police Ball?” Amanda continued.

“Uh, no,” Cat replied, mind racing. Man, as if she didn’t have enough to worry about, now she had to get a new dress and it was only October!

“Maybe in November you, me, Liv, and Jesse can go shopping. Give us all a breather from the rest of life, k?”

“Uh, sure, Amanda… what?”  
“This doesn’t define you Cat. Mental illness doesn’t define you. There are other things in life. I meant it when I said I just wanted to talk,” Amanda held her breath, waiting to see if Cat would believe her as she hoped she would. Cat needed to understand that her life was not over and that little things could still be spoken about. 

“You’re right,” Cat responded after a few moments, “Thanks Amanda.”

“No problem darling. Now, Jesse tells me she started a tv show, something about vampires and high school, says you put her onto it.”

“Buffy, yeah,” Cat closed her eyes, “The main character reminds me a bit of her and of you now that I think of it…” 

“She says I might like it, care to fill me in? Jesse won’t do it - says I should trust her judgment. And she’d forbidden me from finding info online due to potential spoilers,” Amanda smiled into the phone.

“Well, I don’t really know too much,”

“Cat, you’re allowed to have non-academic interests and whether you’ve been indulging in them as often as you should lately doesn’t mean you’ve forgotten anything. I’ve seen you dressed up as Hermione Granger every Halloween since you were like two, please indulge me,” wheedled Amanda. 

As Cat starts to hesitatingly outline the series for Amanda the detective shifts into a more comfortable position to listen.


	22. Pies and Law Class

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cat baked. Pies. She baked pies. Noah is a little shit who loves his bff.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't own Law and Order: SVU.

By the time Raf and Sonny got home Cat was off the phone with Amanda and she was somewhat calmer than she had been earlier. She’d already changed and was actually reading a book that wasn’t for school. Well, it was recreational reading that had academic purposes but still it was a step in the right direction. She also had her headphones in but she looked up when they entered and shot them both a smile then went back to her book. 

Raf breathed an internal sigh of relief, while Sonny wasn’t as subtle, clapping his hands together. Cat’s smile perked up again but she gave no other outward sign that she was aware of them anymore. Back before Noah had gone to Hudson the Barba-Carisi family, nicknamed the Barisi clan by Cat, Noah, and Jesse, had standing Friday night dinner plans with the Bensons once a month at least. When Cat was younger the dinners were more frequent, at least when Raf was alone with baby Cat. As he got more comfortable raising his daughter he hadn’t needed to seek out Amanda, Liv, or Fin for advice anymore but they’d bonded during that time. The squad was family, especially since Raf was no longer their ADA they all delighted in being able to see him on a regular basis despite his advancement. 

Sonny came out in fresh shirt and sport coat, casual enough for a Friday night dinner but not too casual that Raf would feel uncomfortable with his fashionable at all times lifestyle. He went to the kitchen to pull out the food he was going to bring to Liv’s when he remembered that Raf had volunteered to pick something up except he and Cat had gone to the diner the other night and with the way life had been they’d forgotten. Before he could panic though he noticed two covered glass dishes on the dining room table.

Each dish was covered in foil and labelled, one said PEACH and the other APPLE. 

“Sonny, I forgot,” Raf came out of the bedroom his eyes wide realizing his mistake when Cat, who was casually rolling up her headphones spoke, “Don’t worry, we’ve got dessert covered.” 

“I was talking with ‘Manda and felt like doing something productive, I realized the other night probably threw you off so I fixed it,” she commented, again her voice casual. 

Raf and Sonny had a furious conversation with their eyes trying to figure out if she was being casual because she wanted them to be causal about it or whether she really felt like it was her fault and that she had to fix things. 

“Thank you sweetheart,” Raf said, walking over to his daughter as placed her book down and looked up at him. He made sure to telegraph his actions and planted a soft kiss on her forehead, she smiled, softly.

“You’re welcome.”

\---

“Whose recipe did you use?” Sonny asked as they transported the pies to the car, “Grandma’s, I’m not a heathen.”

Sonny barked out a laugh, “Nothing wrong with experimentation.”

“There is if something is already perfect,” Cat replied primly, her eyes laughing. 

Sonny looked at her in the rearview mirror as she settled the pies down, her eyes not looking up, before pulling out of the parking lot, “Yeah, I guess you can’t really mess with perfection.”  
—  
Noah was pacing and his mother was laughing at him as she turned the heat down for the soup on the stove and took up her glass of wine. “Noah, stop, it’s not like this is the first time you’ve met.”

“I know it’s just this past week has been a lot,” he huffed out, continuing his pacing but without the fervour of beforehand. 

His mom put her glass down and beckoned him over. He went. “Look, she’s not a different person. She’s just being more honest with us and it’s our job as people who care about her to not make this the thing that defines her and her relationships,” she smoothed Noah’s hair back, “If you want to do what’s best for her then let her dictate what she wants to tell you and when. She’s still your best friend. Let her figure out how you fit into her life right now, because trust me, you do fit there.”

He breathed out a long sigh, “Thanks mom.”

“Anytime love,” the buzzer sounded, “Now go get them, k?”

Noah went and if Cat’s hug upon seeing him was unexpected he tried not to let on, he just held her a little longer and tighter than usual.  
—  
Dinner was thankfully not as awkward as Cat had been expecting. 

At some point Noah brought up Tim and Ash and their tournament. Well, he brought up the stuff the guys had done when they weren’t playing soccer like how they’d played monopoly in the hotel until 3am and how some drunk guy had ordered pizza to the front desk then never claimed it so the desk clerk had given it to them. 

“Of course that would happen to them,” Cat interjected, “Honestly, they get free things wherever they go - it’s like magic.”

“Yeah,” Noah agreed, then he bit his lip as if trying to decide to say something then he went for it, “They’re glad to be back though. Heard you saw them today. Tim said Marks was hassling you.”

Cat laughed at him, the sound not exactly warm or cold but slightly haughty, “I’d hardy call eight words in the hallway “hassling me” Noah.”

“This Ted Marks’ kid?” Liv asked, Sonny had put down his fork, watching his daughter. She noticed and refraining just barely from rolling her eyes she fixed Noah with a look, “This,” she gestured to the five of them around the table, “is how rumours start Benson.” Turning to Liv she replied, “Yes, Jacob Marks does happen to be the son of thrice failed Republican candidate for Congress Ted Marks. He’s not a problem.” Liv raised her eyebrows at her goddaughter who met her eyes steadily, “Seriously, the kid is just a sore loser.”

“What’d he lose?” Raf interjected bringing the attention onto himself briefly, giving Cat respite. 

“Just a competition in class,” Cat turned back to her food when Noah laughed, “Umm, are you seriously talking about the takedown of Smugface Marks as if it was a spelling bee?” he asked, incredulous. 

“It was hardly a takedown, Noah, besides how would you know? And I’ll have you know spelling bees are serious business,” Cat’s eyes twinkled as she ate another forkful of food. 

“Yeah, how do you know about this - whatever it is - you did graduate right?” Sonny teased Noah, ruffling his hair. 

“Ash sent me video,” Noah started to explain.

“I knew he wasn’t paying attention!” Cat exclaimed, “I’m so glad I passed him over for selection.” She looked up from eating to see the table looking at her, “No, I’m not explaining this, it was a class thing, it’s small potatoes.” Noah hushed her with his hands as she glared at him he began to explain how their law teacher, they’d attended the same high school after all, had tradition of pitting seniors against each other in notoriously difficult legal cases to test their mettle in the first two months of class. Cat’s presentation against Marks had occurred a day before their lives had been turned upside-down by her depression.

“Usually, no one really makes it through a full trial, Dockson’ll pull them after jury selection or opening statements, and he would have done it for you too if he hadn’t been so interested in what you had to say,” Noah said, looking straight at Cat, who studiously avoided his eyes.

“Or maybe he was bored, Noah, ever think of that? Marks was pretty entertaining at least.”

Sonny laughed at his daughter’s comment, “So, there’s video?” he asked Noah, who nodded, mouthing ‘I’ll send it to you’ as Cat finally gave in and rolled her eyes.


	23. Love and Trust Issues

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Barisi Clan debriefs the evening. Cat opens up but that leads to revelations for Sonny about the other night at the diner.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Angst ahead
> 
> *referenced dream child abuse
> 
> I do not own Law and Order: SVU

The evening went off without a hitch. Raf was glad it had, they needed more calmness and normality in their lives. Even Cat had seemed relaxed, occasionally verbally sparring with Noah, not them or Liv but that would come in time. He was sure it. Thinking about Cat and her old self, he chided himself for referring to it as such but he had not yet identified a better term for it, made him think about the story Noah had told at dinner. 

As he hung up his and Sonny’s jackets, Cat had changed into sweatpants and a sweater, planting herself on the couch with her laptop but no headphones. He figured it was okay to talk to her. Settling on the arm of the couch farthest from her corner he asked, “Why didn’t you tell us about Jacob Marks?”

“Because it didn’t really rate in my day to be honest,” she replied, her tone seemingly flippant but also sincere. 

“I didn’t mean about yesterday, although if he is actually hassling…”

“He’s not hassling me. Trust me, I know when I’m being hassled or hustled for that matter and Marks doesn’t rate either of those,” replied Cat.

“What do you mean you know when you’re being hassled?” Sonny asked, reappearing from the bedroom where he’d also changed into more comfortable clothes.

Cat closed her laptop, placing it on the coffee table to fix them both with a confused look, “Seriously?”

Sonny sat down right next to Raf on the couch, “Yeah, seriously.”

“You realize I grew up being your daughter right, I know when people are hassling me.”

Raf nodded, but Sonny clearly wanted to push the issue so Raf beat him to it, “I suppose it can’t exactly have been easy to grow up with two dads who have prominent positions in Manhattan society.”

“Ding ding ding,” Cat sang, “So yeah, I know when I’m being hassled and Marks was just being sore.”

Sonny let it go for the time being, partly because Cat was actually interacting with them rather normally and partly because he really didn’t have a response to her reply. 

“What I meant though was why didn’t you tell us about your case in law class?” Raf asked 

Cat’s eyes, which had been meeting theirs steadily flickered away from them, then back as if she was making a conscious effort to keep looking at them. 

“I don’t know.”

Raf took off his blazer, draping it over the back of the couch and slipped onto the couch next to Sonny so that they were both able to look at her, “I don’t believe you,” he replied casually.

“Fair, I guess I wouldn’t believe me either. I didn’t want to tell you.”

“Why not?” asked Sonny, genuinely curious. 

“Because it makes me sound competent and I wasn’t exactly feeling competent at the time. I didn’t want to perpetuate the implied image I cultivated so I didn’t talk about it.”

Both men were silent for a beat, then Sonny spoke, “Well, it is the type of stuff we’d like to hear…”

“As opposed to the things you don’t want to hear,” Cat responded, “Such as what I just told you, right?”

“Well, yeah,” said Raf, quietly, “But that doesn’t mean that we won’t listen. Good or bad, we’re here to listen.”

“I know,” said Cat, her face fell into a contemplative look. Her eyes looked sad. “I know.”

“Were you planning on telling us then? At some point. You said you didn’t want to ‘perpetuate the image you cultivated.’ “ asked Sonny.

“Yeah, I’d thought about it but I just never had the right words to say it,” Cat responded, “I know this isn’t easy on either of you and I don’t make it easy on you,” she held up a hand to stop them from interrupting, “Please, just let me say this. Thank you. It would have been super easy to take me to another psychologist to prescribe me meds that I don’t want or stick me in a hospital, or anything else that you didn’t do, so thank you.”

“Sweetheart, we would never…” whispered Sonny.

“I know… but,”

“The mind is a terrible thing,” Raf said.

“Yes, it is,” Cat pulled herself from her corner to tentatively nestle against her papa who curled his arm over her shoulders.

“Want to talk about it?” Sonny asked after a beat.

“The nightmares didn’t start right away. But once they did they became constant. That’s why I started the breakfast club, well, that and thousands of school children don’t have breakfast in the morning of course,” she laughed hollowly, “Sometimes it takes me awhile to remember where I am after I have one, they feel that real,” she felt her papa tense slightly as if he was thinking back to her unintentional revelation about the contents of her nightmares the other night. She curled closer to him, “And yes, now they’re escalating. Mel told me they’d get worse before they get better.”

“What do you mean when you say they’ve escalated?” Sonny queried. 

Sonny was confused. Raf hadn’t clued him in on the events of the other night - too scared of his husband’s reaction he supposed. Sonny was nothing if not protective and Raf definitely had anger issues, he’d be the first to admit it. Raf supposed he was afraid that Sonny might actually think him capable of hurting their daughter. He couldn’t lie to him though as he opened his mouth to explain Cat uncurled from his side and stood up motioning for him to move. Looking at her Raf stared, until she prodded his shoulder lightly, so he moved opening up a spot between him and his soon to be angry husband he was sure. She settled between them and then turned to her dad, smoothing her hair, a nervous tick she’d picked up, and then met his eyes squarely. He looked even more confused than he had a moment ago, but now there was worry in his eyes too. It was her papa though that spoke, beating her to it, “When we were at the diner the other night Cat revealed to me how her nightmares had escalated,”

“Raf, you’re talking like you’re in court, what aren’t you telling me?” Sonny asked, an edge to his voice, “What aren’t you telling me?” His gaze went from his husband who seemed unable to keep speaking, his eyes closed. 

God, it hadn’t even actually happened and Raf felt guilty. It hadn’t been Sonny in her mind, it had been him. Why? 

“Papa,” whispered Cat, her face turned back to him, “We don’t have to,” he reached out to stroke her cheek, the bruise was almost healed now.

“I do, sweetheart,” he said. She grasped his hand, holding it to her cheek for a moment, trying to remind him how much she loved him and how incapable she felt him to be of ever hurting her. 

“Raf, I swear to God, what is going…”

“She dreamt that I hit her Sonny,” her papa’s voice was clipped, detached until the end when his voice cracked and Cat curled up against him in a hug. 

Sonny sat stock still for a moment. “What?” his voice was like ice. Cat’s position took on a protective element when she turned to look at her dad but he could only hear Raf’s voice in his mind, a steady patter of “hit her, hit her, hit her,” played on a loop in his mind. 

“Cat, go,” Sonny spoke in that tone again, standing up as he did, his back ridged. 

“No,” she replied.

“Sweetheart,” whispered her papa, “Please.”

“No,” she retorted, standing she stood between her papa and her dad, “Nothing happened. It was a nightmare Dad.”

“And why the hell would that be happening in your nightmares Cat? You and I both know your subconscious doesn’t just make shit up!” Sonny exclaimed, voice climbing. 

“I suppose that would explain you always being the one who leaves me first,” countered Cat, anger in her voice, “You’re always the one to suggest leaving me. Is that supposed to be because you lost me in fucking Central Park when I was eight?!” 

“Abandonment is one thing Cat, but Ab…”

“There was no fucking abuse Dad; my mind wants me to be afraid of you and papa. My mind knows that if I’m afraid of you I’m more likely to go to that fucking Bridge. It knows I’ll isolate myself more. It knows that the only thing I’m afraid of is disappointing you,” she took in a deep breath, “Both of you.” Her hands started to shake and Raf slowly got up to take her hands in his, grounding her. She leaned against him, shoulders shaking, struggling not to cry. 

It was as if the haze around Sonny dissipated and he realized the truth of his daughter’s statements. She really could make a good case.

He was ashamed of his words, of his actions so he watched Raf comfort Cat, when Raf put out a hand pulling him over to them. Hesitantly, Sonny ran a soothing hand over Cat’s back and she leaned into his touch just a bit. Meeting Raf’s eyes over her head, Sonny saw his husband’s lashes were wet but all of his attention was on Cat, except for a brief glance he threw at Sonny. 

——  
Eventually, they got Cat to go to sleep after all of them calmed down at least relatively, and talked for a while longer. Their emotional confrontation had wrung her out. Both men were getting ready for bed but neither one was looking at the other until Sonny broke the silence as Raf climbed into bed. 

“Raf,” he whispered, “I’m sorry.”

“I know,” replied Raf, he rolled onto his side to look Sonny in the face.

“I don’t think, I’ve never thought that would happen, never, you’ve got to know that. It just…”

“Set you off, I know. I thought it might. That’s why I didn’t know how to tell you,” he murmured.

“Rafael Barba, you are the most loving, compassionate man I have ever known and I am sorry, for my reaction, for everything.”

“Carisi,” Raf huffed out.

Sonny looked confused again, “Rafael Barba-Carisi. I’m part of you and you’re part of me. I accept your apology Sonny.” His husband opened up his arms and Raf gladly went to cuddle with him. Sonny held him tightly, kissing the top of his head periodically. 

“Sonny, if I ever…”

“No, Raf, it’s never going to happen.”

“But…” Sonny released Raf so that they had a few inches between them again so that they could talk properly, “For a moment in the diner, I wasn’t surprised. It felt like a culmination, I’ve never been a great parent, I mean look at what’s going on right now…”

Sonny kissed him, slow, long, and deep stopping the flow of conversation. When he released Raf he looked him right in the eyes, “Cat said it herself tonight she loves us, she trusts us, and we will dignify that trust and love with everything we can do to deserve it. You are a great father, Raf, she knows you would never hurt her. I know it too. You know it.” Raf finally nodded after a stretch of silence, “Thank you Sonny.”

“I love you, no thanks needed,” replied Sonny.

“Love you too,” Raf responded.


	24. Appropriate reaction

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sonny deals with the aftermath of what he said. Cat talks to her dads. Raf is the voice of reason.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do own Law and Order: SVU.
> 
> Notes: My life since grad school has started has been a rollercoaster. I am working to update more frequently. Here's a new chapter!

Sonny woke up before Raf on Saturday morning. He woke up with a churning in his gut that he couldn’t place until he remembered the night before. His face burned as he recalled how he’d reacted the night before, deplorable, that was the only word he could come up with for his behaviour. Especially given Raf’s history with his own father, Sonny can’t believe he’d reacted so stupidly! Yet, somehow Raf was still curled up in his arms like Sonny would always protect him. 

His thoughts must have been loud because Raf burrowed slightly closer, obviously waking up, and murmured, “Ssh, stop thinking.”

Sonny couldn’t speak. Raf sighed, then uncurled to look up at his husband, meeting Sonny’s wet eyes head on. “Oh, Sonny,” he hugged his husband close, “It’s not your fault,” he pulled away, “And it’s not mine. It’s not Cat’s.”

“But,” Raf put a finger to Sonny’s lips to stop him from speaking.

“I think we should see someone, this stuff with Cat is too much for us to take on our shoulders, just to talk if we need it.”

Sonny couldn’t believe he hadn’t thought of it. He nodded mutely. Then, slowly, he bent over to kiss Raf who met his love with his own.   
—  
Eventually, they got out of bed to make breakfast. It was Saturday and neither had anything pressing to do. Cat was up. She was in the living room. Unlike previous weekends when she’d lock herself in her room or head to the library she was obviously making a conscious effort to be more present in their communal spaces. Raf blinked as that thought ran through his head. Who knew he was capable of coherent thoughts before coffee? 

Sonny walked over to the kitchen, starting to throw together breakfast while Raf grabbed a cup of coffee from the pot Cat had brewed. “Do you think she’s actually listening to music or she just doesn’t want to talk to anyone?” Raf asked after his first few sips. Sonny spared their daughter a long glance, “I’m not really sure.”

“Both,” came the reply from the couch, “Usually, I can still hear what’s going on around me even if I listen to music because I want to be aware of what’s going on.” 

“What’re you listening to then?” Sonny asked smiling at her reply. 

In response Cat unplugged her headphones from her laptop and clicked play again as her fingers resumed typing. 

Stevie Wonder’s voice filtered into the air as ’Signed, Sealed, Delivered (I’m Yours)’ started up. Sonny laughed quietly and Cat’s mouth tipped up into a grin. She still tapped away at the keyboard but her head bobbed from side to side as the song continued. They listened to Cat’s playlist as Raf read the morning paper and Sonny cooked breakfast. Once food was ready Cat turned her laptop off and came over to grab something. 

They ate mostly in silence. It wasn’t awkward per say but it made Sonny nervous for some reason, so when Raf went to clear the dishes he stopped Cat from leaving the table, “Sweetheart, a moment?”

She nodded, eyebrows drawn in slight confusion, but she sat down again. Sonny didn’t really know how to start so he just launched into it, “About yesterday, I want you to know that your papa and I have decided that we’re going to consult with someone while you go through this.”

Cat nodded, “That makes sense.” Then a beat went by, “That’s not what you wanted to tell me though is it?”

“No,” Sonny bit his lip, a tell that only usually made an appearance around the people closest to him, “I’ve spoken with your papa about this but I want to apologize to you too. I never should have reacted that way, regardless of what we’re discussing.”

“Actually, I think it was the appropriate reaction,” commented Raf, who had reappeared from the kitchen, “I would want to know that you’d side with Cat over me at any point. I’d do the same thing.”

Sonny, who’d jostled the table at Raf’s surprise interjection finally saw the reasoning behind Raf’s reaction the night before. As much as Sonny’s response had hurt him, he was glad that the man he loved would keep their daughter at the forefront of his thoughts. 

“Don’t I get a say?” asked Cat, her tone measured. 

“No,” both men said at the same time, then they grinned at each other. Sonny’s stomach, which had been churning awfully upon waking up was settling the more they talked this out. 

“I have a theory about them, the dreams,” said Cat, her voice was almost conversational but Sonny and Raf could tell she was just on the cusp of saying ‘Never mind’ and walking away. She drew in a breath, “It draws upon what I fear most - rejection, abandonment - but it’s smart because I don’t fear the same things in the same way from different people. If that makes sense,” she continued speaking, “I can deal with the lack of sleep, the fear, the isolation, but the voice in my head is something I can’t escape. I hate it. I don’t hate me, at least I don’t think so.” She added that last part as if it was the first time she thought about it, “But, for most of the time I’m okay. I’m not great but I get things done and I feel almost normal.” She huffed, “I don’t know where I’m going with this…”

“That’s okay, there’s time to find out,” replied Raf.

“I have some studying and homework to do today but I was thinking maybe we could watch a movie tonight?” Cat proposed, her voice hopeful but still reserved. 

“Anything for you sweetheart,” Sonny kissed the side of her head and then grabbed Raf’s hand, “Why don’t we take in the farmer’s market, Rafi?”

Raf rolled his eyes, even though he loved watched Sonny geek out over vegetables at the market he loved to tease his husband about his love for fresh food, “If we must.” With a twinkle in his eyes, Raf kissed Sonny and then went to grab his coat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who is still looking to this story and I'm going to keep updating more regularly. *This story is inspired part by my personal struggles with grad school applications and depression.


	25. Good days aren't few and far between

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Other Carisi family members visit. Guess which ones? :D

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't own Law and Order: SVU

It was a better day than Cat expected. She actually got schoolwork done. She didn’t touch her Harvard application. She finalized her personal statement for Kenyon. She finished everything up around noon. Her dads were still out. Her dad had texted to say that they would be bringing home food for dinner and she didn’t exactly feel like lunch at the moment so after putting her books away she just sat. 

Cat sat on the carpet in the living room. Eventually, she went from sitting to laying on the ground and just stared up at the ceiling while the noise of the day filtered through her mind.   
—  
That was how Raf and Sonny found her, about half an hour later, staring up at the ceiling, toes drawing imperceptible designs into the carpet, and hands laced behind her head. 

“Please, don’t tell me there’s a spider,” Sonny joked. 

“As if I would be this calm if there was a spider,” replied Cat, who stretched and then got up to help them unload their grocery haul. 

Before she could walk the few steps to the kitchen their apartment buzzer buzzed. Raf walked over to the intercom, “Hello?” 

“Rafael?” a loud voice asked, while someone else in the background exclaimed, “Who the heck else would it be Gina?”

“Hey Teresa, come on up,” Raf said, biting back a laugh as Sonny sighed. He loved his sisters dearly but this would be the first time Cat would be dealing with part of the Carisi clan since she’d told them about her depression. He knew his parents and sisters had read the statement, they’d called, emailed, and texted him questions and he’d answered them as best he could. He should have expected they’d make an appearance at some point, to be honest he was surprised they hadn’t shown up the day he’d sent it to them. 

Cat nudged him with her shoulder, “It’ll be fine dad.”

“If they get to be too much, please tell me okay,” Sonny let his voice slip into a slightly pleading tone.

Cat nodded, “I promise.”

He tucked her into a brief hug as Raf opened the door to be engulfed by the blend of noise and affection that was distinctly Carisi. 

“Dominick!” Teresa called, “Come out and say hello to your sisters!”

Sonny rolled his eyes, but pulled Cat out into the living room where his sisters descended upon them both. 

“We were just in the neighbourhood,” Gina said, when Cat asked why they’d stopped by. Looking unconvinced Cat shook her head at her aunts, but instead of pressing further she just smiled at them.   
“Yeah, right,” Sonny commented as he brought Gina a mug of coffee and Raf passed a tea to Teresa. 

“What’s wrong with seeing family?” Teresa said, raising an eyebrow at her brother who threw up his hands.

“I’m not getting into this,” Sonny sat, and pointedly took a sip of his own tea. 

“So, what’s the theme for homecoming this year?” Gina asked Cat, ignoring Sonny, Raf, and Teresa. 

Cat laughed, “You know, you’re the second person in like two days to ask me about homecoming?” Shaking her head Cat latched onto the topic, “It’s ‘All around the world.’ They’re bringing in alumni who’ve had international careers and that kind of thing.” As Gina opened her mouth, Cat cut her off, “And no, I don’t know what I’m wearing yet.” 

“Well, you’ve got a lot of options,” Gina said when Teresa jumped in, “What about a date?”

Sonny threw a napkin at her. “What? A girl’s gotta live!”

Cat giggled as her dad glared at his sister, “No, no one in particular. I think I’ll just go with my friends.”

“So much more relaxing that way,” Raf interjected.

“Did you attend many dances in your high school days?” snarked Teresa at Raf who just quirked an eyebrow at her.

‘Wouldn’t you like to know?” he replied. 

Cat had forgotten how warm being around her family could make her feel. As her papa and Teresa traded quips, Gina egging on her sister, and Sonny shaking his head, eyes laughing Cat let herself just be in the moment.


	26. Lists, worries, and dreams

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cat has a dream. It's not her reality though.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own Law and Order: SVU
> 
> The italics are deliberate, you'll see why.

That feeling of warmth and family stayed inside of Cat long past the time her aunts left. It stayed with her while she and her dads watched Disney movies. It stayed with her when she eventually feel asleep and Sonny picked her up, carrying her to bed like he used to when she was little.

_She woke up early on Sunday morning._

_Cat had no idea what had woken her but she decided it was time to get up anyways. Padding out silently out of her room she saw her dads on the couch still in their pjs, flipping through her college file folder. She stopped, hiding herself a bit from view, just watching._

_“I had Kenyon,” Sonny said, nudging Raf with his foot._

_“I had Smith,” replied Raf, grabbing Sonny’s foot and tickling him. Sonny laughed and then pulled himself up alongside Raf._

_“And we both put down Harvard,” finished Sonny, his face less carefree than before, “Well, we did guess them all.” He tapped their lists with one hand._

_Raf put his head in his hands, “Is this my fault, Sonny? Did I put pressure on her?” he murmured._

_“She put pressure on herself,” Sonny mused, rubbing Raf’s back in comforting circles._

_“But how does that start? When? Where? Why?” Raf removed his hands and sunk back into the couch, leaning against Sonny._

_“I’m not sure,” Sonny replied, softly._

_“What are we going to do? What if she does…” Raf couldn’t finish his sentence._

_“If she doesn’t get in we will be there for her,” Sonny soothed him._

_“What if she does though?” Raf whispered, turning to look at Sonny. Sonny’s forehead crinkled in confusion, “Rafi?”_

_“If she gets in then when does this end? Will she feel like she has to be pre-law? Will she go into a career to please us?” his voice rose just a touch. Sonny nodded in understanding, “I don’t know, love, don’t think I haven’t considered it either. I think…” he continued to talk as Cat ducked even further out of sight._

_It wasn’t like she hadn’t considered it. She knew her path was a potentially dangerous one. She knew her papa’s concerns were valid. They kept her up at night too. Quietly, she crept back into her room and crawled back under the covers. It was silly to think that one good day would make her parents think her more capable. It was stupid really. The thoughts started flowing through her head, each one worse than the last, and all she could do was huddle under the covers and cry silently into her pillow._

_An hour later, Cat had no more tears to cry. She was just drifting back into a restless sleep when her dad came in to wake her up. Shaking her lightly, Sonny called her name, “Cat, sweetheart, time for breakfast.”_

_Part of her wanted to burrow deeper in the blankets and pretend she hadn’t heard him but the other part of her was angry, irrationally so but still. It was that half that made her emerge from the cocoon she’d constructed from her duvet. She rolled away from her dad and got up, still not looking at him._

_“Cat?” he asked, his voice soft but firm, asking her to trust him. She almost had to physically bite her tongue to not issue a biting retort. She knew their worries were justified with how she acted but she was still her, she was still their daughter dammit! She was stubborn. She was driven. She had her own goals, none of which included following her parents’ footsteps. But, they didn’t have to know that she thought. Screw it._

_Turning around she looked at her dad, “I might seem spineless to both of you, somehow, but I can assure you once I get through college, wherever the hell that might be I will not be following in either of your footsteps.”_

_Sonny’s face clouded over, “Now, just a minute…”_

_“Why?” exclaimed Cat, “Trying to come up with another way I’m not the person I’m supposed to be?!”_

_“Catalina,” Raf appeared in her doorway, drawn by her raised voice, “Sit,” his voice and tone were even but they brooked no argument either._

_However, Cat didn’t feel like accommodating him. “Now,” she swore the temperature in the room dropped at her papa’s word. She sat._

_“This isn’t about us not thinking you can do anything you set your mind to. This isn’t about you being weak,” he scoffed at the word, “This is about you and how we can know you’re actually living the life you want instead of the life you think we want you to have. Our concerns are not invalid,” his voice softened, “Neither are your feelings.” He came over to sit down on the bed, Sonny at his side._

_Cat ducked her head, suddenly shamefaced. He was right. She knew it. Would an apology be enough? She didn’t dare look up. Surely, there’d come a day they’d be tired of her and this shit. Surely, one day her apologies wouldn’t resonate anymore. Maybe she was trying to push them away even now. She was scared. But, could she say that? Cat didn’t know so she did what she did best, she spoke a lie wrapped up in the covering of truth._

_“You’re right. I’m sorry,” she forced herself to look at Sonny then, trying to remember the way his face looked when he reached out to grasp her hand. She wasn’t sure how many more days of this her dads could put up with. She wasn’t sure how long she could keep them in this misery. “I just panicked,” she figured she owed them that much of an explanation._

_The thing was Sonny and Raf had been paying even closer attention to her over the past few weeks. Sonny could see her thoughts play across her eyes as she asked for his forgiveness. They were in so deep. She was in so deep._

_“We know,” he whispered back, “then come and tell us. Please, Cat, we can’t help if we don’t know what’s going on.”_

_“Why?” she asked, her voice suddenly tired and strained, “What in the world could possibly make you want to deal with this every day? I’m living this hell but,” her voice broke, “I hate it. I’m so tired of it,” she pulled away when Sonny went to hug her, “When are you going to get tired of it?” Unshed tears filled her eyes, “I am.”_

—

Cat woke up from her dream, gasping, sweating, and scared. It had felt so real. Except, the Cat in her dream wouldn’t have done what she did then. She left room to see her dads in a position so similar to that of her dream that she paused a moment, “I had Kenyon,” Sonny commented, nudging Raf with his foot. 

“I had Smith,” replied Raf, grabbing Sonny’s foot and tickling him. Sonny laughed and then pulled himself up alongside Raf. 

“And we both put down Harvard,” finished Sonny, his face less carefree than before, “Well, we did guess them all.” He tapped their lists with one hand. 

“No one else even came close,” Cat stated, emerging from the shadows. Still a little hesitant she hovered for a moment before her papa beckoned her over. The hope in his eyes was overtaken by joy when she immediately crossed the room. 

“Somehow I feel like Abby and Noah’s guesses weren’t that bad,” said Sonny. 

“They were. Abby was convinced I was just applying to the Ivy Leagues. And Noah thinks I’m applying to Oxford or something.”

“Well, there’s always your second degree,” Raf commented, a twinkle in his eye, “You seem quite set on getting a PhD, darling, that’s exciting.”

“Then you’ll have to call me Dr.” she said.

“Good luck with that,” Raf replied, kissing her head, “Once is all you’ll get.” 

Cat revelled in the casual affection and warmth. It was different from her dream. She was safe here.


	27. A walk in the park

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Noah and Cat hang out. Yes, there is angst. Cat discusses her depression.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own Law and Order: SVU

After a lazy morning, meaning Cat only wrote one essay for school and edited one of Abby’s Spanish presentations Noah dropped by the Barba-Carisi apartment. His appearance was unexpected, at least to Cat, but Sonny shot Raf a knowing look when the young man appeared at their door. Despite the success of Friday night Noah was still nervous about not doing enough to support his best friend so Liv had texted Raf to tell him she’d sent her son over. 

The text had read ‘He’s driving me nuts so now he’s your problem.’ 

“Hey Noah,” Sonny greeted his godson, “Cat’s in her room. Just follow the music,” he said as he closed the door behind Noah. Noah’s forehead crinkled until his ears registered the music that came from the direction of Cat’s room. 

“I haven’t heard her play music out loud in a long time,” commented Noah.

“It’s progress,” commented Raf from the couch where he was reading the Times, “Although I’m going to have to start updating my musical knowledge apparently because I can’t identify even half of these artists.”

Noah jerked his head toward Cat’s room, “That’s Adam Lambert, at least I’m pretty sure it is.”

“Yup. Maybe that Intro to Popular Culture class actually did you some good after all,” commented Cat as she emerged from her room, dressed casually, a notebook tucked under her arm. To her papa she said, “I’ll write you a list if you like.”

“Nah, I enjoy the mystery,” he replied, smiling at her. 

“So, what’s up Noah? Miss the ark?” Cat joked, turning her attention to her best friend. 

He sighed, closing his eyes, “Remind me why I’m here again?” he asked. 

“You haven’t told us yet, so I can’t answer that question,” shot back Cat, “Oh, and just a general life tip - never ask a question you don’t already know the answer to.”

“I thought that only applied to the courtroom,” Noah said, opening his eyes up to look at Cat.

“Nope, just general life advice,” she quipped. Then silence dropped over them. It wasn’t exactly awkward but Noah had the odd feeling that he was re-meeting his best friend again. It was a strange feeling. 

“Want to go to the park?” Noah asked, hesitantly, his voice less confident than it had sounded just a moment earlier. 

“Sure,” replied Cat immediately, “Just let me grab a sweater.” She tossed the notebook she’d been holding to her dad then disappeared back into her room. 

Noah looked shocked. So shocked that Sonny laughed at him, “There’s good days and bad days son, but she’s still the same person,” he said clapping the young man on the shoulder before flicking open the notebook Cat had given him. 

“What is that?” Noah asked, out of curiosity, gesturing to the notebook, trying to deflect the attention from him. 

“My rationale notebook,” replied Cat, as she re-emerged from her room with her hair up in a ponytail, a thin sweater tied around her waist, and the sound of Adam Lambert suddenly absent, “Basically, a list of all of the places I considered applying and how I narrowed it all down.”

“Of course,” Noah replied, “Naturally.”

Cat punched him in the arm, “Excuse me Mr. Sarcasm, it’s a good tactic for life decisions.”

“Recommended by Goop I’m sure,” he responded. 

“You want to go to Central Park with me or not?” Cat fixed him with the unimpressed Barba stare she’d learned at the tender age of four and then made for the door. 

“Yeah, we’re going,” Noah said, unable to do anything but squirm under that look, “See you!” he called to Raf and Sonny before following Cat. At the last minute she called back to her dads, “Love you!” Before either man could react she was out and through the door, shutting it tightly behind her. Noah wanted to hug her at the brief flash of panic that crossed her face but then she seemed to calm down, a deep breath later, Cat looked calmer. 

“You okay?” he asked as they entered the elevator. She turned to look at him, “Okay, ground rules: One, don’t ask me that. It’s the worst way to ask how I’m doing and it doesn’t really serve a purpose because okay means different things to different people. Two, feel free to ask me anything else. I know you’re holding back but it’s healthier to have it out in the open. Three, I might cry, don’t worry. That’s not a bad thing. Four, thank you for coming to see me. You’re a good friend.”

Noah blinked, once, twice, then said, “That last one wasn’t a rule.”

“I suppose not. Just an observation then,” replied Cat who turned back to face the elevator doors as they opened.

They walked in silence, just enjoying the sunshine for a few minutes until Noah worked up the courage to ask her a question. 

“On Friday, did I cross a line? Talking about the mock trial?” Noah asked.

Cat stopped walking, it wasn’t the question she was expecting, but then again her best friend had a way of surprising her. She thought about it as the hustle and bustle of New York City on a Sunday afternoon surrounded them. “No, those normal things are what I should have been telling them about all along.” She kept walking, Noah slightly closer than he had been before. 

“Are you thinking about going into Law?” Noah’s next question also caught her off balance but she didn’t stop moving this time. 

“It’s funny you should ask,” replied Cat, “Mel, my psychologist asked me the same thing a few days ago and this morning I had a dream,” she paused, then continued, “In it my papa was talking about how worried he was I wouldn’t pursue my own dreams just to please them.” It wasn’t exactly an answer but Noah was willing to wait for one. He didn’t have to wait long. “Maybe, one day, but it’s not in my immediate plans.”

By then they’d reached the fringes of Central Park, together the two friends started off on a random trail, just exploring the city like it was any other day. 

“And where are you applying?”

“Ballsy question Benson,” Cat quipped, nudging Noah. 

Noah stopped, placing a hand on Cat’s shoulder, “Sorry, I…”

“Noah, I was kidding,” Cat spoke softly, grasping the hand that was on her shoulder, “I know it’s kind of tough to tell now but I meant it when I said you could ask anything.”

Noah opened his mouth, but Cat cut him off, “Don’t apologize again, please.” He nodded, then after a beat said, “So, where are you applying?” She smiled, “Well, let me tell you.” They walked off deeper into the park laughing and chatting. 

Just after one o’clock Noah and Cat found themselves in a more secluded part of the park, eating ice creams and just enjoying each other’s company. After the application question Noah had skirted away from asking anything too intense but he had questions that he really wanted answers to. 

“Spit it out Noah,” Cat said as she tossed her ice cream cup into the garbage in one throw, “I can hear your thoughts from over here.”

“Over here? You’re right next to me dork,” replied Noah. 

Cat leaned her head on Noah’s shoulder, “Just ask them, it’ll be better after.”

“Promise?”

“Promise.”

Tossing his cone wrapper into the garbage Noah pressed a soft kiss to the top of Cat’s head. “When it started why didn’t you tell me?”

“I didn’t know how.”

“In three years you couldn’t have said anything?”

“The longer it went on, I just couldn’t. It got more serious and I just didn’t know how to tell people. How do you tell people that sometimes you hate yourself.” 

“I’m assuming that’s rhetorical,” Noah said, a brief flash of anger in his tone. 

“Yeah.”

“Can you elaborate?”

“On?”

“Depression takes many forms, what are you experiencing?”

“Nightmares, anger, fear, and”

“And…?”

“Sometimes I run to the Brooklyn Bridge and look out at the water,” Noah tightened his arm around Cat’s shoulders, “I’ve never gotten close to jumping. I’ve thought about it but that’s as far as it has gone Noah.”

Noah clutched tighter at his best friend, pulling her into a hug that she gladly accepted. Eventually, he let her go, “And the nightmares? I’m assuming that’s why you’re not sleeping well.”

“They’re bad Noah.”

“Am I… am I in them?”

Cat was silent. She was silent for so long that Noah thought she wouldn’t answer but then, “Everyone is. Papa, Dad, the squad, Jesse… you. Not all at the same time but yeah, you’re there.”

“Will you… will you tell me what happens?”

“Are you sure you want to know?”  
“No, but I think we should talk about it. Is that okay?”

“Fair,” replied Cat. She took another pause to think about how to explain her nightmares to Noah. “My dads, they usually leave me after I get rejected from college. After I disappoint them.” Noah hugged her again, but let her keep talking. “You, you usually, Noah, are you sure you want to hear this?”

“Yeah, I am sure.”

Cat closed her eyes, allowing her latest Noah nightmare to run through her mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The nightmare will be in the next update. Also, I'm sorry that Cat keeps hurting but it's getting better. She and Noah need to talk this out.


	28. I know, you love me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Noah and Cat - some angst and some cuteness. Just a short chapter today.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own Law and Order: SVU

Noah and Cat were lounging in his room when the former got a text. Noah pulled away from Cat and rolled off the bed, dialling a number as he did. 

“Noah?” asked Cat, he waved off her question and ducked into the hallway.

Whoever he was calling picked up almost immediately. 

“Is she still there?”

“Yeah,” replied Noah, his tone bored.

“Well, when are you getting rid of her?” the voice on the phone asked pointedly. 

“Soon,” said Noah.

“That’s what you said fifteen minutes ago Benson! Send the high school chick on her way. We’ve got stuff to do that doesn’t involve her,” the voice paused, “Unless… you’ve changed your mind.”

“Nope,” Noah exaggerated the ‘p’ in his response, “I’ll get rid of her okay?” He ended the call and turned to see Cat in his doorway, watching him.  
“You could of just asked me to leave,” she said, her tone level.

“Not really that simple,” replied Noah, “I don’t just want you to leave today I don’t want you coming over anymore.”  
Cat’s eyes shuttered. She closed down. “Oh.”

“Yeah, oh,” Noah commented, leaning against the wall, “I mean seriously, just because our parents work together that doesn’t mean we even have to like each other.”

“So, all of this has been what, a game?”

“All of what? We grew up together. It was fun. I don’t need you in my life anymore though,” he shrugged, “My social circle is kind of filling up just fine without you. So, if you could go that’d be great.” He turned away, to make another phone call, cutting her out of his life like she was nothing. Maybe she was. 

It had all been so matter-a-fact. It hadn’t jerked Cat into wakefulness. It hadn’t even made her cry. It had felt real, real in a way that some of her other nightmares didn’t. That was what had scared her. It felt like a natural progression.

Cat related all of this to Noah on that sunny afternoon in Central Park, not letting him interrupt until she had told him everything. 

“My nightmares are basically everything I’m afraid of… things I know won’t happen but well, my mind like to play tricks on me,” she huffed out a half laugh.

Noah didn’t say a word. 

“Noah?” Cat prompted quietly, after a few moments of silence.

“It’s not a game to me,” he gritted out.

“I know,” Cat replied soothingly, leaning against his side.

“Cat, I…”

“You don’t need to explain, Noah. You haven’t done anything,” Cat commented, pausing, “You did ask.”

“I know, I just want to remind you that you’re important.”

“And you do, everyday. Come on let’s keep walking,” Cat tugged on Noah’s arm. Noah resisted for a moment then let his best friend pull him along.


	29. Hold me, please. Just hold me.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Noah and Cat are cute af bffs. Raf makes a confession to Sonny. Sonny doesn't spoil the people he loves.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own Law and Order: SVU.

Noah dropped Cat back at the apartment in the late afternoon but instead of leaving immediately he hung around a bit. Ruffling her hair, hanging up her sweater, just staying close. He couldn’t explain it but he felt like it was something she needed, something she’d never ask for from anyone. 

Cat for her part just shook her head at his antics but he noticed that she never pulled away. If anything, she seemed to sink into him when he hugged her. 

Raf came out from the dining room to see where the racket in the front hall was coming from. He stopped short to watch Noah pick up Cat and spin her, one shoe on the ground, the other still on her foot. She was laughing, smiling, and he turned to look for Sonny only to hear a quiet ‘click’ come from the kitchen. Sonny had grabbed his camera and was taking candids of the two kids. 

“Noah, Noah put me down,” Cat sang out, breathless, and obligingly her best friend placed her back down on the floor. Shaking her head at him she smiled and then pried off her other shoe, placing it in line with its sibling. “Do you want to come in?”

“Well, seeing as I’m already here,” teased Noah, as he shrugged out of his jacket to hang it up next to her’s, jerking his head he said, “Looks like we’ve got an audience.”

“What is this, some bad teenage rom-com? Please,” giggled Cat, rolling her eyes at her Dad who just took another photo of her while her Papa had the decency to blush. 

Cat walked over to the living room, the other three following her, orbiting her. She really was the centre of their universes in so many ways. Stretching out on the sofa Cat allowed her eyes to close for a moment. She felt the moment and relished it. Then her feet were being moved up and placed in someone’s lap. She cracked an eye to see Noah opposite her on the couch. He really was too far she thought though, so pulling her feet from his loose grip she wiggled over to him and leaned against his shoulder. Noah started to absently braid her hair. 

“How was the Park?” asked Sonny, who really wanted to capture this moment with his camera too but felt it was best to just let things unfold organically for awhile. 

Noah launched into a story about the rollerskating kids they’d seen who had been trying to walk their cat on a leash and Cat, she just looked around lazily. At one point she caught her Papa’s eye and he just nodded, a small smile on his face. 

Eventually, as the sun started to dip behind the skyscrapers Noah’s phone lit up with a phone call from Liv, which Cat answered because she was closer. 

“Hey Liv!” 

“Hey darling, is my errant son still there?” 

“Yup, want me to send him on his way?” 

“No, I’m heading up that way. I’ll collect him,” she paused, “If that’s alright. We’ve got dinner with Ed tonight.”

“Course. I’ll remind him. See you soon!”

Cat flicked Noah’s shoulder, “You’ve got dinner with Ed tonight, or had you forgotten.”

He had forgotten but hell if he was going to tell her, “Of course, I knew…”

“I call bull!” Cat cut him off, “Your mom’s going to pick you up here though since apparently you’ll be dining in the area.”

“Which reminds me, dinner, tonight” Sonny remarked, standing up from where he and Raf had been curled up on the other couch, “What do you feel like?” 

Raf shrugged, trying to avoid putting the decision on his daughter, but he was pleasantly surprised when she volunteered an idea. 

“Actually, I was hoping I could make stir fry. You brought home some great stuff from the market so I figured it’d be a natural choice,” Cat’s voice wasn’t tentative at all, which made Sonny cheer inside his head. 

“Sounds like a plan, Cat,” he ruffled her hair as he walked by to the kitchen, “I’ll get out the stuff to prep then.” She almost seemed to preen under his hand then the moment was gone. Sonny didn’t stop walking but he shot a glance at his husband to make sure he had seen too. 

“I’ll help,” Raf stated, leaving Noah and Cat to chat as he made his way into the kitchen. 

“So, you noticed it too?” Sonny looked at him, asking for confirmation.

“She probably touch-starved,” Raf commented, “It can happen, especially the way she has been isolating herself; she probably doesn’t even know it herself.”

“How did you know?” Sonny queried, coming to stand in front of his husband who had ducked his head slightly. Sonny wasn’t having any of that, he tipped Raf’s head up so that he could see his husband’s face.

“It was something that came up when I attended therapy for a bit right after graduating from law school,” Raf admitted, blushing as he tried to avoid Sonny’s gaze, “Some people are more predisposed to it than others. It can make you sad, angry, and it just generally sucks.” Sonny wrapped him up in a tight hug then. Surprised, Rafael almost didn’t hug him back but then he did. 

“I’m okay now, love,” Raf mumbled into Sonny’s shoulder, “I married this wonderful man who seems to have made it his life’s mission to spoil me with affection.” 

Sonny kissed him for that comment but when he pulled back Sonny’s face was serious, “Affection should be a right, it’s not a reward. I don’t spoil you Rafi, I just love you the way you deserve.”

Raf had to swallow over the lump in his throat as the man he loved looked at him like he was the most precious person on Earth. 

“I love you too, cariño.” 

Sonny’s eyes searched his face then Sonny kissed him again before releasing him to gather up dinner ingredients from the fridge. After a beat, Raf joined him, and if their hands tangled together making their mission a little slower neither of them cared.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this chapter feels especially personal right now because I'm currently feeling a lack of physical affection in my own life. I don't really know anyone well enough right now to just get hugs or cuddles. Being touch-starved is a real thing so please hug your friends!


	30. Is that the Squad? In costume? Nope, just the kids.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fault and blame are discussed. Someone eavesdrops. The Harvard app is on its way. Hope appears. Oh, and costumes also happen to come out. Jesse's home for a visit too!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own Law and Order: SVU
> 
> This chapter might feel a bit ooc at points but it'll work out in the end.

Halloween crept up on Cat. It wasn’t like she hadn’t noticed the decorations cropping up or the increase in the candy aisles but honestly, she was preoccupied. Cat was sending off her Harvard application for early decision and just the thought of putting the application in a folder and mailing it made her heart beat faster. She was happy to have the gym on Mondays. She was even happier that her bruise from Mayhew had faded; it had caused a great deal of tension in her household. 

As she stepped into the gym on Monday, her application safe and ready for drop off in her bag, she resolved to put the package of papers out of her mind. Thankfully, the universe seemed to have conspired to help her forget. 

“Cat!” A blur ran towards her, wrapping its arms around Cat’s middle. 

“Hope!” exclaimed Cat, returning the rather enthusiastic greeting. After Hope let go Cat knelt down to get on eye level with her friend, “How’re you doing buddy?”

“Awesome! I’m living with Mel, it’s not official and everything yet but her lawyer says it will be soon!” Hope started rambling, a mile a minute, trailing after Cat as she crossed the gym to collect her gloves and set up her class for the day. Hope didn’t stop talking until the others girls started showing up and Cat couldn’t have been happier for her company and chatter. 

“Okay, everyone!” Cat called her class to order, “Let’s welcome Hope back this week,” a round of cheers went up, “Now, let’s catch her up on what we did the other week okay?” She had the girls get into position and slowly she truly did start to forget about her anxiety about Harvard.

Unfortunately, her class was only so long and eventually, her worries came back. The girls all dispersed, Hope left with Madison and her mom, they were having sleepover on a school night just to celebrate Hope’s return and Cat was left with her thoughts. Well, she wasn’t exactly alone. Her papa had showed up earlier, he’d come to pick her up but Mel had convinced him to come up for a conversation. He watched his daughter now from Mel’s office, swilling his coffee around in his cup, not really sure what to say.

He settled for the simple truth rather than the complicated mess of thoughts raging in his head, “I just want her to be happy. I sincerely don’t care where she goes to college although I do have a preference in that it would be good for her to go to college.”

“I’m not critiquing your parenting, Rafael,” Mel said from behind her desk, “far from it in fact, but I had to ask. I need to know if there’s been subtle conditioning or something. At this point it’s probably all the creation of her own mind.”

“That doesn’t mean it isn’t valid.”

“Of course not,” replied Mel, surveying Rafael Barba-Carisi as he stood in her office. 

“She sees you two as superheroes you know,” Mel offered, her tone light in an attempt to redirect the conversation from darker topics. 

“What she does, surviving this,” Rafael fluttered his fingers at the office around him, “that’s a superhero effort. My husband faces violence and death everyday. He’s a hero. Me, I’m just very lucky to have them both be part of my life.”

“So that’s where she gets it,” Mel spoke aloud on instinct, but regretted her choice not to think her thoughts as she watched Rafael’s back straighten slightly.

“Pardon?” His eyes swung around to pin her. 

Mel wasn’t scared of him but she could see how this man could intimidated people despite his shorter stature. 

“What you just said, that’s casual self-deprecation, kids pick stuff like that up,” Mel replied, getting the sense that he wouldn’t let her wave off her comment. 

“So it’s my fault,” Rafael seemed to deflate before her eyes, “I figured,” he commented with a hollow laugh.

“Rafael, that’s not what, this isn’t about blame. It’s about figuring out how the amazing, strong-willed young woman downstairs became a shell of her former self. If you had done nothing but shower her in praise throughout her childhood, she would have still probably turned out the way she did. I’m just looking for triggers and clues.”

A knock at the door halted any further discussion. 

“Come in!”

Cat appeared in the doorway, “Hey Mel, I know we didn’t talk before so would now… Papa?”

Rafael turned toward her, a soft though slightly pained smile on his face as he did so. “Hello Cat, I figured I’d drive you home tonight,” he picked up his briefcase from the floor, “I’ll see you after your session.” He kissed Cat on the forehead and then swept downstairs to do some reading and prep. 

Cat cocked her head to the side, “What did you say to him Mel?”

The words took the psychologist by surprise, “What do you mean?”

“When he was looking at me, he looked…” Cat shook her head “Maybe it’s my imagination.” She settled into a chair across from Mel, ready for her session. 

“What do you admire about your dads, Cat?”

Cat titled her head in confusion but answered readily enough, “Well, Dad is so bright, energetic, and compassionate. He’s like sunshine. Papa, well, he’s fair, loving, and whip smart.”

“Do you think it’s odd that you can speak readily about your Dad’s brightness so to speak but your Papa, you describe him as fair - which is interesting - and you also focus on a personality aspect, his intelligence?”

“Well, I would call compassion a personality trait too Mel, and Papa’s just very different from Dad…”

“Who loves you more?”  
“What?” Cat’s voice was loud, louder than it had ever been in this office.

“Don’t you think about it?” Mel pressed the question.

“No,” the lie rolled off Cat’s tongue heavily.  
“Cat,” Mel said, fixing her with an appraising look. 

“Yes. Sometimes.”

“And?”

“It’s easier to see how Dad loves me okay? He loves so openly; he loves so much,” Cat spoke quickly, “But Papa, he loves me, I know he does. I can just feel it. He isn’t like Papa, but he does love me.” 

The room went quiet. As did the hallway outside the office where Rafael Barba stood compromising all of his morals by eavesdropping on his daughter’s session with Mel. 

“God, I’m a horrible person,” thought Raf as he continued listening.

“Do you think that’s why you’re applying to Harvard? Why you’re working so hard? You want to be like your Papa, you want to be him so that you can be sure of his love?”  
“This entire session feels like a waste of time honestly,” Cat replied after a beat of silence, “Where do you get off talking about my Papa as if he’s to blame?”

“I’m not, or that’s not what I actually think,” Mel stood up and came around her desk, “I think you and your Papa have some unresolved issues to work out. When we chatted about you earlier he took the blame for your depression rather stoically and resignedly. You’re like him in a lot of ways - taking on Herculean tasks to protect other people but you have to protect yourself to protect those that you love,” she shuffled some papers on her desk, “I think we’re done for the day, Cat.”

Rafael took that as his cue to leave and he did. He was waiting for Cat when she walked slowly down the stairs her forehead crinkled in a frown. 

They ubered home in silence and only when they were a block away from their building did Cat pipe up that she needed to stop by the post office. The car pulled up by the late-night convenience store near them and dropped them there, then drove off into the night. Cat pulled her application from her backpack, not making eye contact with her Papa as she walked towards the mail counter. There was only one cashier available and he was occupied at the front so the duo waited together in silence until Raf couldn’t stand it anymore. 

“Do you really want to mail that in Cat?”

Her eyes flashed in panic. He winced as he realize how his remark sounded, “Sweetheart, I just meant…”

Her gaze settled from panicked to calm, eyes blinking slowly, “You were listening,” she huffed at him then turned to look away, “Well, for your information I need to do this. I need to do this for me,” she paused, “And maybe, maybe I’m doing it for you too but only because I want to.”

At that moment the cashier came back and took her package running through tracking options. Within seconds it was all over. The application was tossed onto a stack of mail and Raf and Cat were back on the sidewalk. 

“Maybe I am like you, but I’d rather be you than anyone else, Papa,” Cat said, looking at him, “Faults and all. I want to be like you. That desire didn’t cause my depression anymore than my love of Linkin Park or my penchant for gothic novels.”

In that moment, Rafael got it, what Mel had been pushing him to recognize - his daughter was like him for better or for worse, but he loved her more than life itself. He’d learned to love himself years ago and he could help teach her to do the same. He wasn’t at fault for her problems but he would damn well be part of her solution.

— 

When Halloween rolled around both Raf and Sonny found themselves working later than expected meaning they arrived home just as an influx of trick or treaters trekked down their hallway. Both men called greeting to their neighbours but as they approached their door Sonny slowed, putting out a hand to stop his husband too, “Look,” he pointed where, outside of their door three figures stood, posing with some of the kids. Two of the figures were dressed in NYPD blues, not real ones but close enough. One of the figures was Noah, the other one sported blonde hair, Jesse had obviously popped in for a surprise visit. The third figure though, it was Cat, dressed in one of the business suits she loved so much, with a coordinating tie and yes, as she shrugged out of her jacket for a moment, suspenders! 

“She makes an adorable you, darling,” Sonny commented.

“What?” Raf could barely comprehend the scene before him.

“Come on, we’ve got to get a photo of them because I doubt either Liv or Amanda know about this.” Sonny covered the rest of the distance to the door easily and chirped the kids, making them turn around. Only Noah had the grace to blush, he had tied his hair up to mimic his mom’s shorter hair from earlier in her career but it was perfect. Cat and Jesse just looked at him, unimpressed and laughing. 

Cat caught her Papa’s eye as Sonny made them pose for photos. He winked at her. She smiled back.

Yes, by God he would be part of her solution. He would be worthy of her trust and love. He was worthy of it. He just needed her to know she was worthy too. She didn’t need to pretend to be anyone else; Cat was Raf’s superhero.


	31. Jesse and Cat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jesse and Cat chat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own Law and Order: SVU.

Now that her Harvard application was gone Cat should have been able to breathe more easily. She wasn’t. If anything she found herself panicking more frequently, but it was always in short bursts so she tried to avoid bringing it home too much. Or telling her friends.

Cat knew she was back sliding. It was plain as day that she was trying to go back into hiding but thankfully the people around her weren’t letting her. It was nice to have Jesse back, even for a week. Amanda had kept Jesse up to date on Cat’s condition but this was the first time they’d seen each other in person since everything had come out. 

The morning after Halloween dawned bright and crisp. It also brought Jesse to the Barisi apartment just after 11 in the morning, armed with apple cider. She gave Cat just enough time to change out of her church clothes then proceeded to drag her off to the Public Library.   
“You know, we could have worked at the apartment too,” Cat told her friend as they walked arm in arm down the sidewalk. 

“I like the library better,” replied Jesse. 

Cat shook her head but upon arriving at the library thankfully found herself able to concentrate on her essay for law. They worked in comfortable silence for two hours, until Jesse put down her pen and started staring at Cat. The weight of her friend’s gaze shook her concentration so Cat packed her things into her bag and then looked up to meet Jesse’s eyes. 

“Want to get out of here?” Jesse asked.

Cat nodded. 

Once they were outside Cat spoke, “So, not that I mind being productive and all but what do you want Rollins?” her tone slipping in an imitation of her Dad’s Staten Island accent without even realizing it. 

“I wanted to see you for myself,” remarked Jesse, settling down on the steps of the library and patting the stone next to her. Cat sat, a smile on her face.

“What did you want to see?”

“That you’re getting what you need from the people who love you.”

“I am,” replied Cat.

“Are you? Are you taking the help?”

“I’m… I’m trying.”

“Didn’t Yoda say that thing -“

“There is no try, only do,” interjected Cat, “But Obi-Wan said ‘Only a Sith deals in absolutes.’ I like him better anyways.”

“So, I’m not imagining you forcing yourself to be here then?”  
“What? No, I wanted to come with you,” Cat nudged Jesse, “But yeah, it’s can be difficult to be around people sometimes.”

Jesse slung an arm over her shoulders and pulled her in for a side hug, “I’m glad you wanted to come with me.”

They sat for awhile, Jesse’s arm still slung over Cat’s shoulder and they just watched the city rush by. 

Cat tried to make herself feel calm and not skittish.

——

Jesse watched her friend out of the corner of her eye. She was concerned but then again, so was everyone else. Noah had called her after the incident earlier in the month. Her mom had kept her up to date after that night but still, she’d jumped at the chance to come visit Cat (and everyone else) during her Fall break. She hadn’t been sure what to expect when she saw Cat for the first time since May but she hadn’t expected the quieter, more panicked version of her friend that existed underneath the outer shell of someone struggling to pull themselves out of the mud of their own minds. 

“I can hear you thinking,” Cat teased her, leaning her head on Jesse’s shoulder and tilting her face up she grinned at Jesse. 

“I’m glad we did Halloween,” Jesse said.

“I am too,” Cat replied.

“Your costume suggestion was a stroke of genius by the way.”  
“Why thank you,” Cat made a little flourish with her hand. 

“But I’ve got to ask, why?”

“I wanted Papa to know I love him,” Cat spoke quietly.

Jesse squeezed Cat’s shoulders briefly.

“He knows. We all know,” Jesse replied, “We love you too.”

Cat didn’t say anything to that and Jesse, despite being halfway through her psych degree could think of nothing else to add to the conversation. 

However, it seemed that Cat wasn’t done speaking just yet, “I thought I would breathe easier after sending off my Harvard application but I think it actually made everything worse. My applications are basically finished and I’ll send the rest off soon but the waiting, the waiting might be what kil…gets me.” Cat stumbled over her words, but Jesse caught it. 

“You can’t let it kill you.”  
Cat looked up at Jesse, one eyebrow quirked at her friend, “Yeah, I’ll get right on that Jesse.”

Jesse winced, “Sorry, I know your mind isn’t exactly something you can control. I’m a psych major for goodness sake but Cat, please,” she pleaded.

Cat patted Jesse’s knee, “I’m getting better Jesse. Honestly, cross my heart.”

Jesse hugged her again, “I’m glad.”


	32. Kitty-Cat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jacob Marks is an idiot with bad taste in nicknames.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own Law and Order: SVU.

Raf was curled up on the couch watching something on his laptop, headphones in, and Sonny was reading a book when Raf let out a low whistle, pausing whatever he was watching to look at his husband. “She’s good.”

“Who?” asked Sonny as he marked his place with a dogeared corner. 

“Cat. Noah sent over that video he promised.”  
Sonny’s eyebrows raised, “And you started without me?”

“You seemed occupied…”

“Yeah,” Sonny moved over to the couch, “Come on, roll it back.”  
Smiling Raf did as his husband asked, unplugging the headphones as he did so. 

—  
“She reminds me of you,” Raf said, curling closer to Sonny, “the way she won the jury’s trust so easily and the way she turns attacks into support for her side. She’s brilliant!”

Sonny blushed, even after all of these years he never got tired of Raf praising him. It made him feel warm and happy. Raf looked at him as if he knew exactly what he was doing, so Sonny nudged him gently, “I was going to say she reminded me of you — the way she went in for the kill on that witness and how she handled that surprise ‘evidence.’” Sonny shuddered, “I hope to goodness that Marks doesn’t go into law. He was quite underhanded.”

“All the skills needed by a defence attorney then,” quipped Raf, his eyes flashing briefly.

“Yeah, well, I hate to admit it but he could probably make a decent go of it.”

“Noah, mentioned in his email that the kid applied to Harvard too. If I was ever tempted to influence admission decisions…” Raf trailed off a glint in his eye, “But I’d never. Cat would never forgive me.”

“You’d never forgive yourself either,” replied Sonny, “Although the sentiment is appreciated.”

“So, she’s a mix of the best of us then?” Raf redirected the conversation.

“I think that’s the point of children — to remind us to hope.”

“I think you’re right, Sonny.”  
—  
As Jesse and Cat eventually set off from the library’s steps they’d only gone a few feet when a voice rang out behind them and Cat’s shoulder’s dropped as she rolled her eyes.

“Hey! Hey! Kitty-cat!” The nickname caused Cat’s lips to curl in disgust as she turned to face Jacob Marks.

“What do you want Marks?”

“Just wanted to check in and see if you sent off your Harvard application. Rumour has it that’s where you’re hoping to go — just thought I should let you know I applied too.”

“Good luck to you then,” Cat could barely keep the condescension from her voice as she prepared to turn around and leave, but Marks wasn’t through yet.

“Ah, Rollins,” turning his attention to Jesse, “Failed out of school on the West coast eh?”

Before Jesse could throw a sharp comeback at the boy Cat stepped in between them, her voice icy, “Shows what you know about College, Marks. Jesse’s here on break and honestly, her precious time doesn’t need to be wasted on conversing with you.”

Marks raised his eyebrows and Jesse just kept a smile from her face. She shouldn’t be surprised. While Cat would let people say all manner of things about her if you insulted her friends or family you were dead meat. 

Jacob recovered more quickly than Jesse anticipated though, “Well, I suppose you’d know all about wasting time, eh, Kitty-cat?”

“What’s that supposed to mean, Marks?” Cat asked, playing into his game in order to figure out what he wanted so that she could extricate them from this situation as soon as possible. 

“Not your own time I suppose, but those people you hang out with… I know they’re nice but well, aren’t you depriving them of time they could be spending with more worthwhile compatriots?”

Marks' cruel smile showed that he hoped he’d hit a nerve and Jesse wasn’t going to let him get away with it, “Shut up Marks, you lower the intelligence of the entire district every time you make a sound.”

“Aww, defending your decision to be charitable and spend time with someone like Kitty-Cat?” Jesse stepped forward as if she would very much like to put hands on the kid in the most unfriendly way possible but Cat put a hand on her shoulder.

“Don’t insult my friends or their tastes — they don’t hang out with me because it makes them look good, which is something you can’t say for your cronies. They're my friends because they love me. Our time together is never wasted because it’s spent on friendship, something you know little to nothing about so, why don’t you get lost, Marks?”

Cat’s response had taken Jacob by surprise, perhaps that’s why he turned tail and ran. Not because she’d scared him just a bit, no, no way. 

Turning back to Jesse with the healthy flush of victory in her cheeks Cat put out an arm for her friend. Jesse pulled her in for a hug instead. 

“I believe that or I wouldn’t have said it,” Cat whispered as Jesse hugged her.

“Good; I’m glad," Jesse whispered in return.


	33. Thanks for the help

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cat, Sonny, and Raf work well together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't own Law and Order: SVU

Jesse dropped Cat off at her apartment before heading back downtown to meet up with her mom. Before she could take the elevator downstairs though Sonny slipped out of the apartment, “Jesse?”

She turned to look at him, “What’s up?”

“How was she today?”

Jesse flicked back through the morning and the early afternoon, “It was pretty good. She says she’s trying — though she’s still panicking about things, more than she thought she would anyways. Oh, and we ran into Jacob Marks. She gave him a good tongue lashing though.” Jesse’s eyes sparkled with mischief, although they dimmed when she thought about Marks’ comments, “He accused her friends of only spending time with her to be charitable.”

Sonny’s shoulders slumped, “Okay, so we’ll…”

“Didn’t you hear me,” Jesse said, putting a hand on Sonny’s arm, “She turned around and told him not to insult her friends or their tastes. She told him that he didn’t know a thing about true friendship. She told him that and she believes it.”

Sonny’s eyes brightened and Jesse removed her hand, “She might not believe it in the dead of night when nightmares are swirling around her head but she knows that she is loved.”

“Thanks Jesse,” Sonny replied, “I didn’t want to pry but…”

“Information is the best weapon,” Jesse commented, “Yeah, I know. I’ll try to see you guys again before I leave okay?”

Hugging Sonny goodbye Jesse hopped into the elevator and headed home.   
——  
Inside the apartment Cat was perched on the arm of the couch as she and Raf chatted. Sonny took a moment just to watch them. These quiet moments felt precious to him but soon he wasn’t content to watch, he wanted to be part of it. 

He leaned on the back of the couch catching the end of Cat’s sentence, “Of course it was a strategy, you don’t think I’d let someone get one over on me that easily, who do you take me for?”

“Our daughter of course,” Sonny interjected, deducing that they’d been discussing her mock trial, “You did let it play out a bit long for my taste though.”

“You’ve got to make them sweat it out. Think they’ve got you, then you pounce. It was a calculated risk and Marks fell right into my trap.”  
“Fair enough,” chuckled Raf, “A kid after my own heart.”

“Well, I try,” Cat replied, tipping herself off the arm of the couch and onto the couch itself. She snuggled up in the corner looking content. Sonny really didn’t want to break that contentment but he wanted to ask about Marks. 

Raf looked at Sonny, noticing his husband’s hesitation. Their eyes met and Sonny nodded at him with a small smile of apology before perching on the arm of the couch where Cat had been beforehand.   
“Jesse said you had a run in with Marks today.”

Surprising both her dads Cat turned to look at Sonny and answered honestly, “Yeah, after we left the library.”

“He’s a bigger problem than you make him out to be, isn’t he?”

“I don’t think so… he dislikes me, so what? You can’t go through life without making a few enemies.”

“While that’s true, shouldn’t you be hoping for that to happen later on in your life?” Raf commented. 

“How often does he “bother” you?” Cat refrained from rolling her eyes at her dad’s air quotes but she answered him without a fight. 

“I don’t really keep track. Probably about once a week. He’s got it into his head that my life’s mission is to beat him at everything, because I usually do.” A small smile curled up her face, “He doesn’t scare me though. My spidey-senses don’t go off when I’m near him,” she implored her dad to listen to her and hear the sincerity in her voice. Thankfully he seemed to, or at least he’d decided to let it go for the moment. 

“Okay, but the moment…”

“The moment I feel unsafe, I’ll tell you. I will.”

Sonny kissed the top of her head, “That’s all I’m asking for sweetheart.”

And he left it at that so she couldn’t, “Thank you.”

Sonny quirked his head, “For what?”

“For trusting me. For believing me.”

“Always,” replied Sonny, with a sad smile that she didn’t see. All he could think about was all of the times they’d taken her at her word only for her to be hiding something from them but really all he could do was promise they’d trust her. Trust and love was all they had to give her.   
—  
After dinner they were all at the table working, in preparation for the week ahead, and Cat was twirling a pen in her hand as she reread a section of her politics paper. Part of it just wasn’t flowing the way she wanted it to and she couldn’t figure out why. Unconsciously, she bit her lip and narrowed her eyes at the offending sentences. 

“You know I don’t think words can talk back to you, darling” Raf suggested, looking up from the decision he was writing to see Cat’s frustrated face. 

She lifted her eyes, looking at him with a question in her eyes, what did he want? 

“Want some help?” Sonny asked, putting down his own paperwork, trying to be casual about the question. 

Their attention was too much. Their expectations clear although they tried to hide them. Cat could feel it in her hands, like a ghost passing through them, before it happened. Her hands began to shake, which was much more noticeable since she was holding something. She dropped the paper, letting it float down to the table. Cat closed her eyes. She could hear them move — her papa’s chair scraped the floor while her dad’s chair sounded closer — she needed them to stay away. 

“Stop,” she whispered, keeping her eyes closed, trying to concentrate on her breathing. 

“Cat,” her dad had stopped moving, she could tell from the sound of his voice. He was asking her to let them help but she wouldn’t let them, “No,” she replied, happy that her voice wasn’t shaking. Her fingers curled naturally toward her palms, intent upon sinking into the soft skin there, but instead of giving into her impulses Cat focused on splaying her fingers wide. She breathed in, counting off different constitutional amendments in her head, her lips moving but no sound came out. She breathed out. 

Rafael sat back down, slowly, gesturing for Sonny to return to his previous position. He did but both men couldn’t return to their work. Cat had zoned them out though, all she could concentrate on was her breathing and the amendments she was reciting, there was no room for fear or anxiety. The law was black and white, it helped her focus. Three minutes later, although to the two men it felt like two hours, Cat could feel that the shaking had stopped. She smiled. She tried to stop it before but she had never been as successful as this instance.

However, upon opening her eyes she felt some anxiety return. Her dads were watching her, warily, and she got it. She really did. Most of her other panic attacks and such had been preceded by nightmares or arguments. All that had happened tonight was a simple question. If they couldn’t ask simple questions how would they ever trust her? 

Closing her eyes briefly Cat gathered her wits about her, ready to have this conversation. 

“I’m okay.”

“Cat,” Sonny said, quietly. 

“I am. At least I’m getting there… I’m working on it. It’s getting better,” she looked at them, “A few weeks ago I might’ve torn my hands to shreds but I didn’t tonight.”

Sonny winced at the thought of Cat hurting herself like that but Raf stomached it and pressed on, “What can we do?”

“Exactly what you did tonight, leave me be unless I ask for it. I can be unpredictable when I panic,” she replied, looking at both of them in turn, “Although I can do without the freaked out staring if it’s alright by you,” she mumbled.

“Cat, it’s just…”

“It’s something new, I know. It’s unsettling,” she responded.

“What set it off?” Raf changed tactics.

Cat bit her lip, looking nervous but committed all the same. “I’m not entirely sure but I think it was, well,”

“Cat?” prompted Sonny, “It’s okay, you can tell us.”

“Yeah,” Cat smiled, “I know,” she cleared her throat, “It was probably offering to help — I know that it wasn’t meant to be pressure and that it wasn’t meant to put expectations on me but it triggered something.”

Sonny looked taken aback, then he looked sad. He wanted to help but if just offering was going to set her off, “That being said,” Cat spoke again, “the answer is yes, I want help.” She picked up her politics paper and pushed it toward her dad, silently asking him to look at it. 

“Are you…” Raf was about to interject when Sonny shook his head at him, “We trust your judgment.”

He took up a pen and turned his attention to the paper in front of him. 

Another moment ticked by, and Raf returned to his decision, scratching out a line he didn’t like. Looked up occasionally, gaze switching between Sonny and Cat, the latter had picked up a section of the newspaper to entertain herself while Sonny looked at her paper. When Sonny had read it, and made some comments on how Cat could make her points connects more fluidly he went to pass it over to Cat, then paused, and instead offered it to Raf. Cat inclined her head, acknowledging her dad’s decision and not quarrelling with it. Raf took it and started to read.  
—  
A week later, Cat came home to an empty apartment, unsurprisingly since her parents had been working hard lately. She put some food on to heat and ate dinner. She did her homework. She even watched some tv, but still neither of them were home yet. So, she placed some stew in the slow cooker on warm, set the table for her fathers on the assumption that they would come home that night, and then she headed to sleep. 

It was midnight before Raf or Sonny made it home. By then Cat had been asleep for three hours, so they were quiet upon entering the apartment. She’d texted them that she’d probably be asleep by the time they got home. What she hadn’t told them was that she’d kept dinner warm for them. Sonny sighed gratefully when he saw the stew and ladled some out in bowls Cat had put out for them. 

“Sonny,” Raf whispered, “she even set the table,” inclining his head towards it. Both men sat down, ready to eat, when a manila envelope caught Raf’s eye. It was placed at the end of the table with a post it note on top. ‘Read after dinner’

Sonny shrugged and tucked in to his food, followed a moment later by Raf. Only when they’d cleared the table did Raf open the envelope. Inside was a paper, the same paper they’d helped her edit the week before. On the front page was a bright red A, and underneath was a comment “Excellent commentary.”

Raf smiled. Sonny did too. 

There was another post-it on the back of the envelope. Sonny noticed it first. 

“Thank you for the help. Love, Cat” he read out, “Maybe she is getting better.”

“I think she is,” replied Raf.


	34. Rita Called It In

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cat's in a good mood, perpetually. 
> 
> It unnerves her dads.
> 
> Also, a letter comes in the mail.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own Law and Order: SVU

She went a week without nightmares. Another week went by without having her hands shake. Cat felt stronger every day. It showed in her work, her mentoring, and her everyday life. It was as if she had turned a corner. She felt like she was walking on air. 

Marks’ snide comments rolled off her back as she beat him in another trial and debate club. Both victories were narrated to her dads when they got home from work. She was laughing more. Noah came by at least once a week to do homework with her. 

Willow and Abby dropped by for Spanish tutoring, which Cat occasionally conducted in the living room in full hearing range of her Papa who sometimes jumped in to add his two sense when he felt like it. 

Sonny and Raf were nervous though. It felt too good to be true. They never spoke of it like that around Cat, in fact, they never said anything about their worries to her out of a fear that they might shatter it all. There were still a few hurdles that they wanted her to overcome before actually broaching their worries with her, but those hurdles shrunk quickly, week after week. 

The third weekend in November Rita and Cat had brunch, they were joined by her grandmother, Lucia Barba. When Rafael went to go meet his daughter, he rolled his eyes internally at her companions before entering the restaurant. “Papa!” called out Cat, joyfully, and he couldn’t help the grin that emerged on his face. 

“Will you join us?” Lucia asked, a twinkle in her eye that Rafael didn’t like but seeing as he and Cat had plans he could hardly refuse the offer his mother made. Thankfully, the group of women were merely sipping coffee, or in Cat’s case tea. He nabbed a cup as their waitress passed and let them ease back into their conversation, which thankfully wasn’t about boys, makeup, or fashion. Not that Raf was surprised his mother and best friend were debating the pros and cons of school vouchers but still he was happy to listen. Cat listened too, although she threw in the occasional comment. It wasn’t until the topic morphed into a discussion of the current school board elections did Cat weigh in and well, her opinions blew him away. She was laser-focused, sharp, and intelligent. 

In that moment she was pure Barba. It brought a grin to his face. 

“What?” asked Cat when she’d finished her impassioned spiel about the validity of several of the candidates, noticing for the first time that her conversational partners were just grinning at her. Her grandmother elected to just shrug her shoulders and sip her coffee, sharing a knowing look with her son, who also remained mute, enjoying Cat’s frustration. 

Rita had no qualms saying what was on everybody else’s minds though, “Kid, you’re so Barba it’s scary sometimes.”

Cat blushed and shook her head, smiling.

Rita wasn’t finished speaking though, “Can you just promise me one thing? Hold off on your law career until I’m retired okay?”

Rafael tensed slightly, but only his mother noticed. Cat just laughed at Rita and said, “No promises, Calhoun,” she snarked back, taking a long sip of her tea, eyes flashing.

The topic flipped again but Raf found he couldn’t follow the conversation. He’d thought they were past that with Cat, maybe she actually wanted to go into law, maybe it wasn’t backsliding. Those thoughts preoccupied him until Rita finally had to leave and Cat went to the sidewalk to say good bye to her while Raf settled the brunch bill against his mother’s protests. 

“What is it Rafi?” Lucia Barba asked her son.

“I’m not sure Mama,” he replied, “I just… Cat’s not thinking of pursuing law. At least I hope not.”

“Rafi,” Lucia turned her son to look at her instead of out the window at his daughter, “She will be fine. She’s been doing better and she’ll get even better. Don’t let this worrying about nothing cause her to start doubting herself.” As if realizing how harsh that last part sounded Lucia hugged Rafael, “You’re doing a good job. Just breathe, for me, okay?”

Rafael nodded, trying to push his worries from his mind.  
\--  
Raf thinks he succeeded, at least from worrying Cat. Sonny though had the same worries he did. It was unnerving to see Cat bounce back to how she’d been before, but there was a sense of authenticity in this new Cat that made them even more on edge if that was possible. It was like they were waiting for the other shoe to drop. There was no way that this was the same girl who’d sobbed on the living room floor several weeks ago.

They’d asked her about the nightmares. They’d spent time listening at her bedroom door, waiting. Yes, they knew how creepy that made them. It just felt too sudden. 

Something else had started happening too. Before, Cat, Noah, and Jesse had sort of been fixtures in squad room. One or more of them was usually there when they were younger when sitters and family members weren’t available. As they’d grown up the squad room became a place where they could score good advice, sometimes free food, and see their parents, adopted family members, and assorted family friends. Cat had always loved the squad room the most though. 

It really should have been their first clue to her not being in a good headspace when she’d stopped coming around. However, early in December as the squad slogged through extensive paperwork on a Friday evening the smell of coffee and real food caught their attention. The source of the intoxicating smells became clear the minute Cat walked through the doors, shaking snow from her hat placing fresh coffee mugs on the file cabinet. Noah followed behind her a crock pot in his arms, which he plugged in where Cat directed him, “Soup’s on,” called Cat, her tone playful and light as the squad just stared. 

Throughout her recovery Cat had avoided the squad room but not the squad. Now that she was here everything just felt right again. Liv was the first one to break out the trance her goddaughter had placed them under. She went forward to hug Cat, then her son, and then she dipped into the food. The rest of the squad followed. 

Sonny was the last one to come forward, his face unreadable. Noah had broken off to talk to Fin and Rollins, Liv was listening to their conversation with half an ear. The rest of her attention was on Sonny and Cat. 

“Papa said you’d both be doing paperwork till late so…” Cat tried to fill the silence that suddenly felt awkward as he dad stood looking at her, “I already took some over to him and Carmen.”

“Good,” her dad’s voice was soft, “You eat yet?” 

Cat nodded, “Noah and I ate while I prepped dinner.”

Her dad was still looking at her, analyzing her she thought. “Dad?” He still hadn’t picked up his coffee.

“How’re you doing Cat?”

“Good. Why?”

Sonny bit his lip, trying to figure out what was wrong with his daughter. He was making her nervous he realized so he grabbed his coffee and some soup, shooting her a smile as he did. 

Liv seemed to get his read though, “Cat, honey, I was wondering if you’d have a look at something for me? It’s Jesse’s birthday gift and I want your opinion.”

“Sure,” Cat seems a little taken aback at the question but follows Liv to her office, her dad several steps behind them. 

When they got into the office though Liv closes the door and Cat realizes she has been tricked, “What’s up?”

“I don’t know, why don’t you tell us?” Liv asks, her tone firm. 

“Look if you gave me some context I’d know what the heck you’re talking about,” Cat replied, tone confused and a touch defensive. 

“We’re worried about you,” Sonny said, “And it’s not just us, Mel’s…”

Cat scoffed at the mention of Mel’s name, “If she’s telling you anything like what she’s telling me then I get it.” Her bright mood had soured.

‘Why don’t you tell us what you think she’s told us?” Sonny asked. 

“Am I being interrogated?” Cat threw back, her eyes flashing.

“No,” Sonny replied.

“Not yet, right?” Cat replied, taking a deep breath she spoke, “Mel told me that my recovery is happening remarkably quickly. She thinks I’m not processing certain things. She keeps reminding me it’s okay to go at this slowly.”

“Cat, you’ve been really happy lately, right?” Liv queried, trying to go for a light tone but Cat obviously took it condescendingly.

“Is this what it has come to? You’ll be questioning all of my emotions for the rest of my life? Yes, I’ve been happy. It has been so good,” she sighed suddenly looking tired, more tired than she had over the past few weeks, “Why is that so wrong?”

“It’s not, sweetheart. I, we, we just don’t want you to push yourself. You can pace this out,” Sonny said quietly, sitting next to Cat and putting an arm around her shoulders.

“No, I don’t want to pace this out, I want this — I want life to be good, don’t take this away from me, please,” Cat’s words were barely audible at the end but Sonny heard them.

“We won’t, I promise, but sweetheart you have to understand why we’re worrying,” Sonny said. 

She nodded, “I know it seems fast, but it feels good. I swear I’m okay right now.”

Liv and Sonny exchanged looks over Cat’s head, neither of them thought she was lying but that didn’t mean she was actually telling the truth. Sonny sent her back out to the squad room while Liv came to stand beside him. “I think she doesn’t even realize what she’d doing,” Liv said.

“She’s lying to herself and she doesn’t even see it. The thing is, when that damn breaks Mel says it could be a really bad episode,” Sonny confided in Liv, “But she also thinks it’ll be an actual turning point.”

“Unfortunately, there’s only one way to find out,” Liv said, “Wait.”  
——  
They didn’t have to wait long. Around the second week of December, while the Barba-Carisi family was decorating their apartment for the upcoming holidays on a work free Saturday Rafael got a call.

“Well?”

“Well, what?” Raf said into his phone, snickering as Sonny and Cat tossed tinsel at each other, “Hello to you too Rita by the way.”

“Don’t play coy with me Rafael,” Rita’s voice sounded excited but nervous. 

He stepped into the kitchen, “Rita, I really don’t know…” 

“Harvard, Rafael, all of their early decision letters have been sent out and received,” Rita said it as if this was a fact everyone should know, which it was, at least if your kid was applying to Harvard. Rafael had clear forgotten about early decisions though. A recent case had swept it from his mind. Then his brain caught up to the rest of Rita’s sentence.

“You’re sure they’ve all been received,” he asked, his voice lowered and tense.

“Yes. So…” Rita trailed off, “She hasn’t told you yet?”

Raf rubbed at his temples where a migraine was building, “No.”

Rita was silent.

“Raf, maybe…” Rita had no words, “I’m sorry.”

It just didn’t compute. He’d been prepared for all kinds of scenarios - coming home to Cat collapsed on the floor crying over a rejection had figured in his nightmares prominently over the past few months — but never had he imagined the would keep this from them. 

“I’ll let you know when I do,” he told Rita, hanging up without another word, his entire body tense.  
—  
Telling Sonny was hard. He didn’t want to believe it.

Mel couldn’t quite believe it either when Rafael called her to keep her updated.

No one said a word to Cat. 

In turn, Cat said nothing. She was still happy. Still the same but it now unnerved Rafael to the point where he was finding it hard to spend more than an hour or two with her. Sonny was dealing with in a similar fashion, but they tried to make it less noticeable than it was to them. 

Cat didn’t seem to notice. 

The next Tuesday Noah dropped by Raf’s office to tell him that Jacob Marks had been accepted to Harvard, unfortunately. The kid was obviously fishing for information on Cat but Raf had nothing to give him.

It was truly flummoxing, Cat’s behaviour. A week after Rita’s phone call found Raf standing on the roof of their apartment building, looking out at the city, Sonny tucked under his arm. Both of them had needed to get out of the apartment for a bit, but Cat hadn’t been home yet and they wanted to be nearby if she decided she wanted to talk. 

As the sun dipped below the buildings, sinking them into semi-darkness the door to the roof opened, and Cat came over to them sitting on the fenced in ledge of the roof, facing them. 

“Hey,” she said, “Still avoiding me?”

“Not the most original spot, is it?” Sonny replied, he inclined his head downstairs and she followed without comment. 

Only when they’d taken off their hats, coats, and mittens did Cat speak again, “We need to talk.”

“I think that’s the understatement of the year,” muttered Raf, his sarcasm getting the better of him but Sonny huffed out a dry laugh in agreement. Cat did not respond. 

She left to go to the living and her dads followed, thinking of another conversation that had started this exact way a few months. Of course, that conversation hadn’t included an envelope from Harvard on their coffee table.

“I don’t,” Cat corrected herself, “didn’t want to open it. Not on my own anyways.” 

Raf and Sonny took seats on the couch waiting, but Cat didn’t sit. She didn’t touch the envelope either. 

“What if it makes me go back into my head?” Cat whispered.

“Catalina, do you truly think that this past month has been a complete recovery?” Raf asked her, firmly, asking for the truth.

“No,” she replied, “But it was better.”

“It was another character, not all of it, but some of it,” Sonny interjected, his voice firm yet soft.

“Whatever happens we won’t walk out that door. Not now, not ever,” Raf said, steel in his voice.

Cat nodded, then she slipped a finger under the envelope’s opening and tore it. Closing her eyes and breathing slowly, she took a paper from inside and read out, “Catalina Barba-Carisi we…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not really sorry about the cliffhanger but feel free to rant in the comments. :D


	35. It defines me, doesn't it?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I was going to put off posting this but that felt mean. 
> 
> Here you go, the letter is read.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own Law and Order: SVU

Cat’s ears were ringing, but she didn’t know why. She didn’t remember sitting on the floor either. Except she wasn’t really sitting, was she? She was lying down. Huh. Her dad was talking to her but she couldn’t make out the words. Her head hurt. 

Slowly, she felt tempted to sleep so that’s what she did. She closed her eyes and slept. 

The letter stayed gripped in her hand though, she pulled it close to herself, subconsciously protecting it.  
—  
Raf had noticed her unsteadiness a moment before she read out the rest of the sentence, “…we would like to congratulate you,” her voice had disappeared then and her knees had buckled. Thankfully he moved in time to catch her and lower her to the floor, Sonny tucked a pillow under her head. 

Then both men sat back on their heels, trying to figure out what to do next.

“Maybe you were right to think it would be worse if she got in,” Sonny admitted, stroking Cat’s hair after he’d checked her breathing and her heartbeat. It was all normal. “I think the shock was just too much for her.”

“So, how do we handle this?” Raf asked, staring at their daughter clutching her letter as her eyes seemed to dart behind her eyelids then they calmed, “I think her body made her sleep.”

Sure enough, Cat seemed calmer and very much asleep. 

“I think we should call Mel,” Sonny said, “and see if she’ll make a house call.”  
Raf already had his phone out and was speaking into it quietly. Sonny shook his head at him fondly.

“She’ll be here in twenty minutes,” Raf told Sonny, “She said we can move her if we want.”

Nodding Sonny carefully picked Cat up and brought her to her bedroom, settling her on the bed.  
—  
Mel was greeted at the front door by a harried looking Sonny who ushered her in with a murmur of thanks that she waved away, “So, what happened?”

“She got in,” Sonny told her.

“I suppose we should have anticipated this,” muttered Mel, “Although I hear your husband did?”

Sonny nodded ruefully. 

“Where is she?” Sonny guided her to Cat’s room where the young woman was already restless and waking up if her confused noises were anything to go by. 

Rafael shushed her, sitting on side of her bed, stroking her hair and murmuring soothing words to keep her from jerking from sleep to full wakefulness. Mel smiled at them. She’d felt bad about trying to suss more information out of the judge when he had visited the gym but she was glad her words hadn’t seemed to damage his interactions with Cat. Clearing her throat Raf’s eyes met hers and he gestured to a chair they’d placed by the bed.

Slowly he went to get up, but found his departure was halted. Cat was awake. She was awake and scared. She was confused. She didn’t want her papa to leave. 

“You said you wouldn’t leave,” she whispered, her voice small and sad sounding as if they were going to leave anyway. Her words were painful for Rafael to hear.

“We brought Mel to see you,” he tried to explain, “We aren’t leaving the apartment, sweetheart.” 

“You can stay, if she wants you here,” Mel interjected, coming to sit by Cat’s head, “Is that what you want, Cat?”

Cat was going to nod, then she remembered that Mel liked her to use her words, “Yes.”

Raf stayed where he was then, leaning against the headboard at Cat’s back. Sonny joined him, briefly touching Cat’s hand to let her know he was there too. 

Cat was still curled up, the letter tucked safely in between her hands and her chest. 

“Want to tell me what happened?” Mel asked, her attention focused only on Cat.

“I’m not sure I know…” Cat murmured in the quiet.

“Start at the beginning then, Cat. When did the letter arrive?”

“A week ago. It was just sitting in the mailbox like…”

“Like what?”

“Like it couldn’t change everything.”

“Then?”

“I took it inside and I had a panic attack.”

Sonny and Raf both flinched, that’s what they had been expecting, but still it was hard to hear that she’d been in pain and hadn’t told them. 

“What type of attack? How serious?”

Cat was silent. 

Mel waited.

“I could breathe properly after a few minutes,” Cat confessed.

“How long?”

“I don’t…”

“Cat.”  
“Fifteen, maybe twenty.”

“Not your worst then,” Mel commented, understanding that Cat needed some form of reassurance.

Cat nodded.

“Why didn’t you tell anyone about it?”

“It was my first real panic attack in awhile and I didn’t want to break my streak.”

“So, you ignored it?”

A nod.

“Cat.”

“Yes.”

“What about the letter?”

“I kept it here.”

‘Where?”

Cat wanted to hide her face but with her dads behind her and Mel in front of her she doubted she’d be able to hide from them properly, perhaps that’s why she wanted them to stay.

“I slept with it under my pillow.”

“Why?”

“I wanted it close by.”  
“Why?”

“Because it’s important.”

“Why?”

“Because it… it just is.”

“Cat.”

“Because it says something about me, doesn’t it?” her voice was quieter then, “I know you’re going to say it doesn’t, but that’s not true. At least not wholly true.”

Mel sighed, “You’re right, I suppose. Some people would say it defines you.”

Cat nodded at her words.

“It doesn’t have to though,” her papa spoke from behind her, his voice comforting but not pitying. He looked at Mel, who gestured for him to continue speaking, “I thought it would define me and my career but the deeper I got into the law the less I cared about where someone went to school and more about what they knew or what opportunities they saw. Harvard might open doors at first but it won’t give you everything you want.”

“Why didn’t you open it?” Sonny asked, from Raf’s other side.

“I didn’t want to know, one way or the other I thought it’d feel like failure.”

“Why?” Sonny asked, confusion colouring his voice.

“Because if I got in it’d mean that I’d let myself be defined by something I wasn’t sure about and if I didn’t get in, well, I think that failure is self-explanatory.”

“Were you going to tell your dads about it?”

“I did, eventually” Cat muttered, “But they already knew I had it,” she sat up as she spoke, finally making eye contact her dads, “didn’t you?”

“Rita called asking about it,” her papa said.

“I made life difficult again, didn’t I?” Cat said, more to herself than to them.

“No, you made it confusing for sure, but you don’t make things difficult,” Sonny corrected her gently. 

“You didn’t want to push me, that’s why you avoided me right?”

“Yeah, pretty much,” Sonny replied.

“I get it,” Cat responded. Looking to Mel she asked, “Does it get better?”

“What?”

“Depression. I’m coming to terms with the idea that my supposed recovery might not have been exactly what I thought it was.”

“Well, it can get better. It’s also a potential constant.”

“So…”

“Part of that recovery was real, but you can’t push yourself. False happiness can be worse than the sadness, fear, and guilt.”

“What should I do?”

“What do you want to do?”

Cat fingered the letter in her hands.

“Part of me wants to burn it.”

Raf couldn’t help the low chuckle he made at that remark, thankfully, her eyes when they met his were laughing too. They were sad but they were laughing too. 

“That’s the Barba dramatic streak,” Sonny mentioned to Mel.

“And the other part?” Mel asked Cat.

“I’m not sure. I kind of want to frame it.”

“The less destructive option sounds ideal. Hang onto that idea, okay?”

Cat nodded, feeling a bit better. It wasn’t the same swoopy, happy feeling she’d been carrying around in her gut like a weighted stone of required happiness over the past few weeks. This emotion felt raw, cracked at the edges, but pure. She was embracing it. She wasn’t broken. She was being mended though.


	36. The Barisi Family is sunshine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just some domestic stuff with a touch of angst.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own Law and Order: SVU

The next morning Cat woke up and she didn’t want to move. Her alarm was ringing though and it really shouldn’t require this much effort for her to move her arms but it did. She was moving so slowly that she almost fell back asleep, disregarding the alarm. A soft knock at her door didn’t yield a response and neither did her door opening. Sonny walked in, flipping on her desk lamp as he did. He turned off her alarm.

“Cat, darling, time to get up,” he gently shook her shoulder.

“I don’t want to go,” muttered Cat into her sheets.

“That might be okay for today but what about tomorrow?” her dad asked.

“How long would you be willing to have me live at home?”

Sonny laughed quietly. Cat didn’t move.

“Do you want me or papa to stay with you today?” 

The idea that her dad would actually let her stay home was what jolted Cat, she didn’t want to stay home and spend all day working on herself. She’d much rather be working on her French and improving her knowledge of Middle Eastern politics. 

“It’s fine, I’m going,” she rolled out of bed to demonstrate her point and went over to her bathroom, closing the door behind her. 

Sonny sighed as he heard her start up her shower. He left her room to see Raf in living room watching the news.

“I can stay if you can’t take the day,” his husband offered as he went over to greet him.

“She’s up and going to school.”

Raf put down his coffee mug, eyebrows raised. 

“I know, but she said she’s going.”

“Well, I’m off to the courthouse then,” Raf switched off the TV, grabbing his mug when Sonny put a hand on his chest to stop him getting up from the couch.

“You can’t keep avoiding her.”

“I’m not…”

“You are, you’re walking on eggshells Raf,” Sonny smiled, sadly, “She needs you now more than ever so don’t push her away out of some misguided idea that she won’t want to be around you.”

Sonny grabbed Raf’s mug for a sip of coffee, “And in case you didn’t know, you aren’t a physical representation of Harvard, you’re her papa. That’s way more important right now.” Returning the cup to his husband Sonny went off to change for the day ahead. 

Raf sipped his coffee, still sitting on the couch, mulling over Sonny’s words. He knew his husband was right but it was difficult when all he could think about was his daughter having a panic attack after just receiving her Harvard letter. 

Cat appeared a few moments later as he was still lost in thought and she started as if she hadn’t expected to find him there. He had to admit he’d been leaving early all week to try and avoid causing her any undue stress but the shy smile she wore just then wiped all of his stupid reasons for avoiding her from his mind. 

“Good morning sweetheart.”  
“Hi Papa,” Cat bite her lip, confusion creasing her forehead, “I didn’t think you’d still be here.”

The sadness in her voice at the end was what reminded Raf what an idiot he had been, “I wanted to see you off for the day.”

“Thanks,” she said.

“Do you want breakfast?” he asked, sure he could still pour milk and cereal into a bowl.

“No thanks, I’m okay,” Cat said.

That caught his attention, “Cat, you should eat something.”

“I know. I’m just not feeling hungry right now.”

“How about a cup of tea?”

She nodded at that and they both went to the kitchen. As her papa made her tea Cat packed her lunch. 

When he gave her the steaming mug, Cat inhaled the scent of the spices in the tea happily, and more colour bloomed in her face as she drank it. 

“Your dad said you want to go in today.”

Cat nodded, not really looking at him.

“I can take the day if you want to stay here.”

Looking up at him she smiled, “I know you would but this is something I have to do. I have to face the world. It’s not going away anytime soon.”

Raf nodded at her reasoning, “That’s my girl,” he replied.

Her eyes shone.

Sonny watched them talk and smiled, sure his family struggled but even through it all they were his sunshine.


	37. Earth to Noah!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cat won't tell her friends about Harvard. This drives Noah up the wall.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own Law and Order: SVU

Her friends didn’t ask and for that she was grateful. Cat didn’t know quite what to say to them yet so instead of pressing her with questions they closed ranks and kept her away from Jacob Marks as much as possible at school. Everyone heard Marks' boasting about his acceptance. Lots of people were whispering about other seniors who’d been accepted or rejected but Cat’s friends didn’t breathe a word about her. 

It was harder on Noah than any of her other friends, with the exception of Jesse, Cat knew. She just hadn’t made her decision yet and with Christmas coming up so quickly she didn’t want to think too hard about any of it. She wanted to focus on her recovery because damn if she was going to let her depression deprive her of Christmas cheer. 

She spent more time at home during the last week of school, only leaving the apartment to actually attend school. She felt safer and more protected at home. Her dads tried to always have at least one of them at home when she was but it wasn’t always possible. When that happened she called a friend or Noah. She didn’t like being alone for too long. It was during one such afternoon that Noah found himself in the Barisi apartment while Cat measured out ingredients for cookies. She baked hundreds every year for local churches and shelters. The tradition had begun years before when Sonny and Rafael had first started dating. Once they’d gotten married and had Cat, well, she’d caught onto the love of charity and baking too. 

“Earth to Noah!” Cat called, waving a hand in front of her best friend’s face, “Can you hand me that tray?” She was pointing to the one he was standing in front of, a thoughtful almost brooding look on his face. 

Noah blinked and looked at her, jerking himself from his thoughts, “What?”

Cat rolled her eyes but put down her ingredients and wiped her hands on a towel, fixing Noah with an appraising look. Noah shifted nervously, being the sole recipient of Cat’s gaze was always a bit too much for him. She had this way of seeing right into peoples’ souls when she wanted to and the look she was giving him right now made feel like an open book.

Leaning against the counter across from him Cat cocked her head and asked, “What’s up?”

Noah tried to smile and brush off her concern but she wouldn’t have it.  
“Noah,” her voice was stern, but kind, “I’m not the only one allowed to express my thoughts and feelings you know. I’m not the only one who can have problems either.”

“It’s silly,” he murmured, feeling slightly ashamed. The thing was he wanted to know why she wouldn’t tell him about Harvard, one way or the other. It was driving him crazy. He thought she trusted him but ever since she’d told him about her nightmare he’d been having nightmares of his own. They weren’t always consistent but every time he had one he’d wake up in a cold sweat afraid that Cat really would leave his life and slip away, forever. He supposed part of him was afraid that if she got in that would be the first stepping stone for her and her journey away from New York, from her family, and from him. 

“And if I said that you’d still ask me to tell you what’s wrong so spill, Benson,” she smiled at him, eyes still serious. 

“Did you get in?” he asked in a rush.

The kitchen went so quiet you could hear a pin drop. He wouldn’t look at her. Then the oven timer blared, breaking the silence. She slowly jerked into action, withdrawing a batch of cookies from the oven and leaving them to cool. Noah still wasn’t looking at her. He heard her switch off the oven, meaning that either she wanted to talk or he’d fucked things up enough to upset her Christmas cheer. To be honest, he wasn’t sure which option he was hoping for at the moment. 

A soft touch on his arm brought Noah back to reality. He looked up on instinct, locking eyes with Cat whose face gave nothing away, “Let’s talk in the living room,” she suggested quietly pulling him along with her. 

He settled on one end of the sofa, taking care to not impede her space, but she huffed and dropped herself right in front of him. 

“Yes,” she said it without preamble.

“You got in?” clarified Noah, looking at a spot just about her shoulder.

“Yes.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I didn’t want to tell anyone. At least not at first…”

“Your dads?”

“They know. Rita, uh called Papa to ask and I sort of had to tell them after that. Actually, I sort of had to open it after that…”

“You hadn’t opened it?”

“No, I slept with it under my pillow but I couldn’t open it.”

“I’m happy for you,” Noah said automatically, the pleasantry spilling from his mouth almost unbidden.

“Are you?”

That made him pause. He looked at her, she was asking for his honest opinion so he gave it to her.

“Yeah, I am. I’m proud of you. I’m happy for you.”

“But?” she pressed.

“I just don’t want to lose you.”

Surprise flashed through her eyes, “Noah, I’m right here. You aren’t losing me. Even if I went to college across the ocean that wouldn’t change us or our friendship.”

“You don’t know that!” a bit of heat came through Noah’s words now, “You’re so sure of these things Cat, but I’ve got to tell you life isn’t always sunshine and roses!” He stopped thinking about how childish his words sounded, especially because he knew that Cat knew the depth of uncertainty in the world. 

“Noah, what’s this really about?” Cat’s calm voice surprised him. There was no hurt in her eyes or her tone, she just looked at him in the same appraising way she had in the kitchen. 

He sunk down into the couch, finally letting Cat slot herself in beside him. “I am proud of you,” he whispered. 

“Noah.”

“Can we just leave it at that, for now at least?”

“No,” she replied.

“Fine!” he snapped, little heat behind his words, and she just waited, listening to him breathe, “It’s really happening isn’t it?” he said after a few moments, “If it’s not Harvard it’ll be somewhere else. You’ll leave.”

“Well, yeah. That’s the point,” Cat said, propping herself up to look at her friend face on, a look of understanding passed over her face, “Noah, I don’t want you out of my life. I don’t want any of you out of my life!”

Noah looked at her, disbelief in his eyes, “You say that now, but what about in six months?”

“If you think college is going to change me that much you don’t really know me at all do you?”

Noah tensed as she got up from the couch but she didn’t go far. She perched on the arm of the couch and fixed him with another look.

They were quiet until Cat broke the silence, “Do you really think so little of me, Noah?”

The question was clear but her voice shook at the end of it.

Noah jumped up at her insinuation, going to hug her, reassure her, but she stopped him with a hand, “I want an answer.”

“No,” Noah sat back down, feeling tired, “No, I’m just scared about everything. I thought I could protect you and then I found out about everything you’ve been dealing with… Now you’re getting accepted to fancy schools and you won’t even tell me. I’m your best friend Cat, I need you to talk to me. I need you to trust me.” He felt tears prick at his eyes but kept them from falling. 

The couch cushion next to him sunk as Cat came back over to him. She ran a soothing hand over his back and just leaned her head on his shoulder.

“How long have you been keeping this from me?”  
Noah looked at her, surprised at the question, “A week, maybe two,” he eventually responded. 

“I wasn’t thinking much about how my silence would impact other people I suppose,” she mused, not moving from her position beside him, “I’m sorry.”

“Cat, no…”

“It’s not unreasonable to want an apology, Noah,” she replied, nudging his shoulder with her head. 

“I’m just scared,” he said again.

“Me too, Noah, me too,” Cat replied.

“We okay?” he asked, hesitantly a moment later.

“We were never not okay,” she returned.


	38. Ancient History

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some more family angst because apparently that's what I'm thriving on for this fic.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own Great Comet. Lyrics in Italics.
> 
> I do not own Law and Order: SVU

Cat decided to tell her friends. She made it clear that she wasn’t sure what she was going to do with the acceptance but that she felt they deserved to know. She also remarked how it would be nice to keep everything on the down low for a bit. They agreed. 

So, Cat was free for Christmas vacation. Her assignments were in and her volunteering would pick up again in January. She was free from so many expectations and it made her feel  oddly light. She checked in with Noah and Jesse more frequently after confronting Noah the week before. Jesse had been feeling the same way but given her distance it hadn’t been as evident to Cat. She tried to open her eyes more to the people around her. Cat felt like she’d been ignoring them recently. She threw herself into wrapping, decorating, and baking for the holidays. She spent a whole day with the Carisi women in Staten Island preparing for a Christmas bazaar at the local church. She delivered clothes and gifts to women’s shelters with Liv. She helped Amanda and Jesse pick out a theme for their decorations. She baked with her Dad. She wrote Christmas cards with her Papa. 

Sometimes her hands shook too much. Sometimes she felt like lead when her alarm went off in the morning. For all her work it was clear to her and her dads that recovery would not be easy, not that they had ever expected it to be so. Several days before Christmas Eve Cat came home to find both of her dads at home, with dinner already laid out. 

“You could have called me, if you wanted me home,” she remarked as she brushed snow from her hair.

Choosing not to respond to her remark Sonny only asked, “Why weren’t you wearing a hat?”

“It’s not that cold out.”

“It’s snowing, Cat.”

“I’ll remember next time,” she promised, sliding into her chair at the table, “It’s kind of early to eat isn’t it?”

“Well, we’ve got plans,” her Papa said mysteriously.

“You’re not going to tell me anything are you?”

“Nope,” replied her Dad.

“Fine,” she shook her head at them and then tucked into her meal. 

After the plates were cleared, her Dad pushed two envelopes across the table to her. She looked at them in confusion then her eyes softened. Her report card had arrived for the previous semester and her parents usually gave her something small for doing well. Sometimes it was a note, a gift card, or tickets to a museum exhibit. She hadn’t even thought about her grades beyond how they would impact her getting into college. 

“We’re very proud of you, sweetheart,” her Papa said, “And we thought it was about time we went out on the town together again. It has been awhile.”

Cat picked up the second envelope, knowing that the first one, embossed with her school crest held her report card. Before opening it she looked up at them, “Thank you.”

“You haven’t even opened it yet,” teased her Papa, but both of them knew she was thanking them for more than the gift. 

Smiling she peeked inside the envelope and gasped aloud. Her Dad laughed at her reaction while her Papa looked smug. 

Three tickets to Natasha, Pierre & the Great Comet of 1812!

They were for that night, which explained the early dinner and how they were home so early. Oh, Cat hadn’t been to Broadway in awhile despite her love for it. Her love only rivalled her Papa’s while her Dad enjoyed musicals enough to attend them with his family. 

“What if I hadn’t come home on time?”

“Noah was supposed to bring you back before a certain time,” her Dad waved off the question, “So? You up to it?”

“Of course!” she was ecstatic! “Thank you!” She dashed off to get ready, skipping down the hallway. 

“Good call on our part,” Raf said to Sonny. 

“I think it’ll be good for all of us,” Sonny replied, “Come on, let’s get dressed.”

—

It was like a dream. Their family cleaned up well and soon enough found themselves at the theatre in question. They discussed the setting. It was immersive theatre so they found themselves at what would be the centre of the action. Cat was enthusiastically telling them about the different characters seeing as she was the only one out of them who had ever finished War and Peace. Raf loved seeing her so alive and excited. Sonny squeezed his hand, smiling as Cat highlighted a particularly ahistorical part of the plot. 

It started out swimmingly. The first act actually blew Sonny’s expectations clear out of the water. Intermission seemed short as they discussed how amazing the actors and actresses were as well as how amazing the production quality was. In fact, the musical was closing in on its eventually end when it happened. As the opening strains of “In My House” sounded Cat felt her body tense slightly, when Marya sang, _“Now you listen to me when I speak to you!”_ almost screaming at Natasha, Cat felt tears prick her eyes. She felt her hands start to shake. Thankfully they were at a table, she hid her hands under it, turning to keep her tears from attracting her dads’ attention, watching as Natasha and Marya argued on stage. 

_“Don’t touch me!”_ _“Go away!”_

_“Go away!”_

The lyrics filtered through her brain. She tried to figure out what was going on. It couldn’t be a trigger but her situation spoke otherwise. As the song wound down her shakes started to wane but her body felt on high alert. Cat barely registered that the song had ended until several scenes later on and at the end she was a beat slower than others around them for the standing ovation. She hitched a smile onto her face, her tears having dried, but she couldn’t shake this disorientation that had overcome her. She wanted to figure out what had happened before she spoke to her dads. She didn’t want to ruin their night out. 

As she stood up though, her balance was off, and her Papa had to steady her. 

“You okay, Cat?”

_Now, you listen to me when I speak to you_

“Cat,” he said again, having gained no response the first time.

_And if he had carried you off don’t you think your father would have found him?_

The show lyrics were mixing and mingling in her head. She shook her head in an attempt to clear it. 

“I’m fine,” she said, the lie slipping from her mouth without a thought. 

_Now, you listen to me WHEN I SPEAK TO YOU!_

She shook her head again. 

They’d made their way to the sidewalk at some point. Her Dad was on her other side now. Silent, not looking happy. She wanted to ask him what was going on but her head felt like it was underwater. She felt like the words spoken around her were just a rumble of noise. She closed her eyes, leaning on her Dad, who wrapped an arm around her shoulder as her Papa hailed a cab.

Let her sleep.

They were back in the apartment now. 

_But Natasha was not asleep._

She walked into the apartment of her own accord. She wanted to sit on the floor. The floor by the couch seemed safe so that’s where she went. She pulled a blanket around herself sliding down onto the ground. Trying to ground herself and figure out what was happening. Her dads followed.

“Cat?” her Papa spoke hesitantly. He was concerned. She didn’t want him to be concerned. He was supposed to be happy. They were all just supposed to be happy. 

The warmth of the blanket got to her first. Then her dads’ words. They sounded more concrete. 

“Yes, Papa?” she croaked out, her voice sounded quiet and raspy.

“Oh thank goodness,” her Dad whispered under his breath.

Both men were kneeling on the floor with their daughter, close to her but unsure of what to do. They weren’t sure what was going on but Raf had said to give it fifteen minutes before they called Mel. Thankfully Cat had broken out of the state she had been in ten minutes later. 

“Why’re you on the ground? Those are good pants,” Cat commented, directing the latter half of her comment to her Papa.

“What do you remember?”

“Remember? We went to the musical, it was really good, then… Oh,” Cat’s eyes closed and hide her face in her hands. She remembered the disassociation now.  

“Cat?” her Dad’s voice piped up then.

“I’m okay. I zoned out on you a little didn’t I?” she sighed tiredly, removing her face from her hands.

“What happened?”

Cat thought hard, trying to figure out why that song had triggered her when her Dad reached out to touch her shoulder, “Do you hear what I’m saying?”

The words mapped over the song in her mind.

DO YOU HEAR WHAT I’M SAYING OR NOT?!

She flinched. A full body flinch. Something she couldn’t hide. 

Her Dad pulled his hand back like he’d been burned. His eyes were scared.

Cat bit her lip. “I disassociated for a bit, something triggered me.”

“What triggered you?” asked her Papa, who leaned against his husband, trying to calm Sonny down from Cat’s reaction while also keeping the focus on their daughter. 

“One of the songs, I never thought…”

“What did it trigger?”

“A memo— a nightmare,” Cat jumped over her slip up, trying to hide it. 

“A memory?” Dammit, of course her Papa had caught that.

She didn’t want to have this conversation. It was ancient history. The song had just thrown her. It wasn’t something she thought about. Yes, it popped up in her nightmares, of course it did but she didn’t want to talk about them. Not tonight.

Cat went to stand and leave the living room. Her Dad took a step back, and her hands curled into fists under the blanket. This was why she didn’t want to tell him. It had been bad enough to admit to her nightmares about her Papa but this, this was something that had happened and he wouldn’t let things go away as quickly as he had then. She knew they were seeing someone but she still didn’t think this situation merited a discussion.

“Cat,” her Papa said her name again.

“No,” she said, surprising herself with the firmness of her tone, “No, I don’t want to talk about it. It’s not relevant. Not anymore.”

“If it caused this, sweetheart,” he tried again.

“No,” she ground out, “No. I’m not talking about it.”

She swept past them to her room, closing her door behind her. 

“What in the world?” Raf said, shaking his head when he caught sight of Sonny, who was pale and looking sick.

“Sonny, love,” he led him over to the couch.

“She was scared of me, Rafi” he whispered, “You saw her.”

“Sonny, that happened when she had nightmares before, it’s not you,” Raf tried to console his husband but Sonny was adamant. 

“She’s not telling us something again, Rafi” and his body shook, “And it’s about me. I know it.”


	39. Cat, please

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Angst. More angst. This time with Sonny and Cat. I'm sorry. 
> 
> *Minor child abuse referenced.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own Law and Order: SVU or Daughtry. 
> 
> This work was inspired by theauthor2010's story "What Lies in the Past" / http://archiveofourown.org/works/494308?view_adult=true

When Sonny woke up the next morning he awoke to any empty bed and a note from Raf reminding him that he was going out to brunch with Liv. Sonny scrubbed his hands over his face debating on staying in bed until Raf returned but decided that was a childish move. So, he rolled out of bed to shower and change into casual clothes that weren’t his pyjamas. 

Steeling himself to face the day without Raf to provide a buffer seemed daunting but it also seemed necessary. He had no idea what had happened the night before and he was getting tired of the secrets his daughter appeared to be keeping in an endless supply. 

As he walked to the kitchen he passed by her in the living room where she was tapping on her laptop, earbuds in, and seemingly unaware of the world around her. However, the moment he entered the kitchen to see a mug of coffee waiting for him as well as a plate of recently scrambled eggs and toast he knew she was waiting on him to come to her. He ate slowly trying to figure out how to approach her but as he took his last sip of coffee he still didn’t have a plan. 

Figuring that he could wing it Sonny set his mug in the sink and went out to sit with Cat. She didn’t look up at him as he approached. Her face was neutral. She unplugged her headphones from her laptop to let the music play out loud, but still, she didn’t speak. 

A song he recognized came on, one that he knew from her running playlist. “That’s Daughtry isn’t it?”

Cat nodded. 

“I’ll Fight?” guessed Sonny, wracking his brains to remember the song title. 

Cat nodded again, eyes flicking up to look at him this time, before returning to her laptop. 

“Cat, I want to talk to you.” 

She paused the music in the midst of the chorus and closed her laptop, setting it on the table in front of her. She turned the full force of her gaze on her dad, waiting. 

“What happened last night?”

“Disassociation. It happens sometimes — high pressure environments, triggering sights or sounds, sometimes just because everything is too much.”

Sonny hadn’t actually expected her to answer him so readily. He was kind of stunned. She smirked at him, just a tiny bit, but the signature Barba smirk was definitely on her face. He raised his eyebrows at her but her expression didn’t change. He wanted to smile back, but a small part of him wanted her to treat this seriously. The vehemence of that small part of himself shocked him, but then it got him thinking.

Well, if Cat was up for answering questions he might as well keep asking them.

“What triggered you?”

“Some lines in the song.”

“Which lines?”

“When Marya D was yelling.”

“Why?”

“I plead the fifth.”

“Cute, but that only if…”

“Only if I’d incriminate myself too. I know. Well, it always takes two to tango so I played a part in it too and I don’t want to talk about it.”

“I do.”

“Too bad.”

“Catalina.”

“Dad.”

“Why won’t you talk about it, whatever it was?”

“It doesn’t matter anymore.”

“Obviously it does if it triggered you like it did.”

“I don’t need to tell you everything.”

“If someone hurt you Cat, you do.”

“Why would you think that?”

“You flinched,” Sonny’s voice shook, “last night when I went to you. Cat, that’s not a normal reaction.”

“I don’t like sudden movements. I don’t like loud noises. Can’t you just write those off as quirks and let me be?”

“No.”

“I never liked loud noises.”

“Cat, I know it’s almost Christmas. I know you want everything to be perfect, but you’re never going to settle into recovery unless you talk about all of it.”

“And if I tell you I have, talked about it with Mel, will you leave me alone then?”

“I’d find your additional evidence surprising and not overly credible. Have you talked it over with Mel?”

“No.”

“Cat.”

“Dad.”

“Please.”

“No.”

“Cat, you were scared. You looked at me like I was going to…” Sonny couldn’t finish the sentence, “Cat, please.”

“No,” her voice was quiet. 

Sonny moved to sit beside her and neither of them could have missed the way she automatically tensed and pulled away from him. Cat bit her lip.

“Dad, please,” she whispered, “Don’t.”

“Cat, what happened?” Sonny’s voice was serious, masking his turmoil well. 

“Nothing. It’s nothing okay, I just get so caught up in stupid things,” Cat curled herself into a ball, facing her father, fighting to keep her voice steady. The second her voice broke she knew he’d get the truth out of her. 

“Cat, it’s not nothing. It’s obviously something…please,” he pleaded.

She was hurting him, by keeping secrets, but she felt like telling him the truth would hurt him even more. Still, he was looking at her like all her wanted from her was an answer. All he wanted was for her to feel better. 

“Dad,” Cat tried to keep her voice level, “Do you remember when Papa was out of town on that case when I was fourteen?”

Sonny’s face showed confusion but he nodded. He hadn’t handled Rafael going undercover well — honestly, Cat had been the only reason he hadn’t found himself at the bottom of a bottle most nights as a three month operation turned into six months, then eight, limited and necessary communication only. He’d been so glad to get Raf back. He’d been so happy to get their family back together. 

“One night, I was supposed to be at Abby’s but she got sick so I got dropped off back here. Dad, this happened so long ago…”

“Cat,” her dad stopped her from rambling, his quiet voice directing her back to her story.

“I don’t want to talk about this, Dad,” Cat breathed in a shallow breath, trying to keep herself from taking heaving breaths. She couldn’t panic now. He’d never let her get away with a lie if she panicked. 

“Cat, what happened?” Cat avoided looking at him for the first time since they’d started talking “Cat, did I do something?”

She bit her lip. She didn’t want to answer him. She didn’t want to keep talking. When she’d gotten a handle on her emotions and a few moments had passed she spoke, “Dad, it was so long ago, I don’t…”

“Cat, please.” Those two words, like a prayer to his favourite angel broke Cat.

“You were drunk. Really drunk, and you said some things about,” she had to push through and get it all out now, Cat wasn’t sure if she’d be able to say any of it ever again if she couldn’t say it now, “about me,” but she wouldn’t look at him, “You told me I was the reason you couldn’t get any information on Papa. I made it too dangerous. I was the weak link. I was too needy. That, sometimes life was easier, simpler before me. I’d never seen you so angry before. You kept telling me to listen to you…” her voice trailed off, weak, fearful, “I think that’s what triggered me yesterday. It hasn’t happened in awhile.” Cat felt compelled to finish the story though, “Eventually, I ran to my room, locked the door, and stayed there until later on the next day. You didn’t remember and I didn’t want to speak about it.”

As her story sunk in, Sonny’s face crumpled, he looked hollow in the face of this revelation. But, somehow he still had his voice and he had one more question, “Cat, did I…” Somehow she knew what he was going to ask.

Cat shook her head slightly, “You didn’t touch me,” but he could sense her hesitancy.

“Cat, please,” those two words again.

“You backed me up into a corner and yelled at me, you never touched me, but…”

“But it didn’t matter,” Sonny felt sick.

“Oh my God, Cat,” his voice shook, he had gone excessively pale. He reached for her, an automatic reaction she would guess, but then he actively stopped himself, pulling his arm back. Cat couldn’t, she wouldn’t allow that. She went to him and threw her arms around his neck, needing him to understand that she wasn’t afraid of him. He didn’t hug her back. He tried to remove her, but she wouldn’t let go. 

“Cat,” his voice was thick, heavy, the way it always sounded before he cried.

“No,” Cat responded, voice firm if quiet, “I’m not letting go."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also, I know Sonny is generally sunshine and rainbows but I feel like extreme stress and fear could wear on him enough to cause him to snap uncharacteristically. 
> 
> I know it's supposed to be happy and Christmas. I promise I'll get to stuff like that, for instance the Police Ball!


	40. It was me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sonny's out of it. He bumps into Mel with Raf.
> 
> *Well, this went into a different direction than I anticipated. Let me know what you think!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own Law and Order: SVU

Sonny couldn’t stand to have her hug him. He pulled her away from him, keeping her wrists in a strong grip, “Cat, go to your room. We can’t, I can’t do this right now.”

“Dad,” she pleaded, “Daddy, please, don’t send me away.”

“Don’t be dramatic; go,” Sonny could hardly recognize his voice, it was cold and hollow. He dropped her wrists and it looked for a moment like she wouldn’t go, but she did. She closed the door to her room quietly and curled up on the floor, crying softly. 

Sonny didn’t know what to do. Never had it crossed his mind that he might be the nightmare figure in his daughter’s reality. He wanted nothing more than to go to her and cuddle her until she felt loved and safe. But, Sonny wasn’t worthy of that anymore. He had terrified her. God, the things he’d said alone made him feel sick to his stomach. As they ran through his mind again he actively felt the mounting nausea and just made it to a bathroom in time to bring his breakfast up. The breakfast Cat had made him. His stomach seized again. 

After he rinsed his mouth out with some water he knew what he had to do — he had to tell Raf. If he wanted Sonny to leave he would. He had to tell his husband, but God how was he going to tell him this? Sonny didn’t know how it would unfold but he knew he had to tell Raf, he was the monster in Cat’s mind, not Raf. He was responsible for these problems. 

He didn’t even stop to grab a coat when he left the apartment. He walked eight blocks in the dead of winter without really feeling the cold through his dark green sweater. 

As luck would have it Liv and Rafael were finishing brunch when Sonny rounded the corner. Liv had just gotten into a cab to leave and as Raf turned to head home he caught sight of his husband, coatless and pale. 

“Sonny?” he called out as he darted around people to come up right in front of his husband, “Love, what’s wrong? Where’s Cat?”

Sonny could barely hear Raf, his head felt like it was underwater and he wondered if he was experiencing whatever it was Cat had described to him earlier. Disassociation — that was it. He couldn’t bring himself to touch Raf, even though his husband was running a soothing hand over his arm and trying to figure everything out. 

“Sonny,” Raf spoke again, a warm hand on Sonny’s cheek brought him back round to the present, and while he knew he didn’t deserve the comfort he relished the warmth of Raf’s hand for a moment longer than necessary. 

“It was me,” Sonny’s voice was surprisingly steady, he supposed it felt almost freeing to tell Raf now. Now they knew what had happened, what had triggered Cat, and what had set her off. Now, they had someone to blame. 

“Love, you’re not making any sense. And why did you leave the apartment without a coat?”

“I had to leave,” Sonny scrambled to express his thoughts to Raf whose face became more and more confused and scared by the second.

“Sonny, is Cat safe?”

“Now she is.”

“What do you mean now?”

“I’m gone.”

“What are you talking about?”

“It was me,” Sonny repeated himself. 

Raf huffed out a breath of frustration, nerves fraying but somewhat settled because Sonny at least seemed confident that their daughter was safe. 

“Let’s get out of the cold, love,” Raf said, aiming for calm but knowing he was coming across as anxious. It was at that moment that someone bumped into him.

“Rafael?” the person who bumped him turned around, “Sonny?”

It was Mel. 

“What’s wrong?” The psychologist took in Sonny’s oddly glazed state and Rafael’s widened eyes. 

“I don’t know,” replied Rafael, “I think something happened but…”

“Why don’t you come with me? I was heading to my Manhattan office anyways to pick up some paperwork — it’d get you out of the cold,” Mel’s voice allowed for no argument, her casual words offset by the diagnostic glint in her eyes. Raf nodded and went to take Sonny’s hand to bring him along but Sonny would not let him touch him. He felt like he had allowed himself too much. 

Sonny wouldn’t talk or look at either of them as he wordlessly followed them to Mel’s office. The building was pretty much empty and the office was silent when Mel swiped in with her key card. 

Raf wanted to sink onto the couch in her office with Sonny but his husband was antsy again. He paced as Mel perched at the edge of her desk. 

“Sonny,” Mel spoke quietly, when no response came her voice got sharper, “Sergeant Carisi!”

That snapped Sonny back to attention.

“Is Cat safe?” Mel asked.

“Now she is.”

“What do you mean now?”

“You said that earlier, love, but I think you’re a little out of it. What happened?” Raf interjected, making to move toward Sonny again.

“It was my fault.”

Sonny’s made Raf and Mel pause.

“What was your fault, Sonny?” Mel asked, testing the waters.

“Cat,” Sonny’s voice cracked, as if even saying her name caused him pain, “She told me what happened…”

“What happened? When?” Raf asked, confusion colouring his tone, “Did you talk about the other night?” Mel’s eyebrow quirked and Raf broke off from asking Sonny questions to give Mel a cliff notes version of what had happened at the theatre. 

Once he’d finished Sonny stayed quiet, looking at the floor, unable to bring his eyes up. He missed Raf asking him a question. He caught it the second time though, “Sonny, did you talk about last night with her?”

Sonny nodded, then courage that seemed to come from the very depths of himself whelmed up, “She was scared of me Raf. It was my fault.”

“Why would you say that?” Mel interjected then, Rafael starting as if he had forgotten she was there. 

Sonny looked at her, “She told me. She told me what happened three years ago and,” his voice cracked again. He felt like he was being torn up inside. Raf went to him but Sonny stepped back, “No, you told me that you would choose her, no matter what. That’s what I need you to do now, choose her, Rafi.”

“Sonny, what do you mean? What happened?” Raf was scared now, “Why do I need to choose her? Why are you talking like something horrible has happened? What is going on?!” He reached for Sonny again, who, in his moment of vulnerability let his husband come closer. 

As Raf tried to soothe him Sonny related in halting sentences what Cat had told him just that morning.

At the end of story Sonny made to step back from Raf, ashamed to have kept his husband by him as he told his tale. Rafael’s grip tightened on Sonny, keeping him close, “No,” Raf whispered, “You’re not going anywhere. You’re not leaving her, or me.”

“Raf, you promised,” Sonny pleaded, unable to bring himself to pull away from his husband. 

“You did not abuse our daughter.” Each word dropped like a stone inside Sonny’s mind. 

“I have to concur with your husband, Sergeant,” a quiet voice, Mel’s, infiltrated the bubble around the two men. 

“Were you not listening?” Sonny asked, voice hollow again.

“You scared her. It may not have been appropriate or called for but you did not strike her, or…”

“Not all abuse is physical, Doctor.” Sonny laughed a cold note in the office that made the room feel chilly. 

“I know that, but this, what happened was not abuse.”

“Really? Telling my daughter that she’s a burden doesn’t count as abuse?” The word burden gave Sonny a push to look at Rafael face on, “I never meant…”

“Has it happened since?” Mel cut in.

“She said no.”

“So, why…”

“Because once is enough to haunt a child!” Sonny’s anger finally flared up, “She was scared of me three years ago and just the other day she returned to that night — she was afraid of me again!”

Mel was calm though. Rafael was still looking at Sonny having separated from his husband reluctantly. “That wasn’t you though, and Cat is aware of it. Did she ask you to leave this morning or did you just assume what she wanted?” Mel queried.

The question caught him off guard, he blinked, “She doesn’t, she needs someone to…”

“Protect her, love her, fight for her,” Mel filled in the gaps, “She needs you to stick by her when she reveals shit like this. She needs you to stay. She needs you to trust what she says. She needs you. Both of you.”

“I can’t,” whispered Sonny as he sank into the couch, “I can’t protect her from me though.”

“You won’t have to,” Raf’s voice was quiet too, as he sat down next to Sonny, “I meant what I said — if I thought she was in danger Sonny I would take her with me today,” just imagining that reality caused Sonny to whine in pain, “But I don’t think she is,” Sonny opened his mouth to protest, “I’m not saying it’s okay what happened, love. It’s not. It wasn’t. But it happened. It wasn’t you — not in your right mind. She loves you Sonny.”

“I don’t deserve,”

“Honestly, all three of you don’t think you deserve anything — that’s where she gets it from probably,” exclaimed Mel, her voice lowered, “Her depression was not caused by one incident, whether it was traumatic or not. Her depression is the result of a chemical imbalance in her brain. You, Sonny, hardly caused her depression anymore than you, Rafael, did.”

Both men were quiet.

“I know this is hard. I know she keeps throwing you curveballs, but you have to start trusting what she tells you. You have to realize that no matter what has happened she loves you both so much. Don’t stomp on her love for you, for her sake,” Mel finished, grabbing some files off of her desk as Sonny and Raf looked at each other, Sonny no longer close to flinching away or crying. 

“We have to go back,” Sonny said, “I have to see her. I have to tell her I love her.”

“That sounds like a plan,” murmured Raf as they both rose to leave.

Out on the street again Sonny pulled Raf into an alley before they started off home, “Rafi, I’m so sorry. It just…”

Rafael kissed Sonny quickly, cutting him off, “You are not a bad person, Sonny. I can understand it, why it happened.”

“But I…”

“Mel was right, you did not abuse her. You scared her, sweetheart but I think you’ve scared yourself even more today. You would never knowingly hurt her — if you had I promise, I would take her away. I promise you, love.”

Sonny breathed out a shaky breath, “Thank you Rafael.”

“I love you, Sonny.”

“I love you too.”

—

At the apartment Sonny headed straight to Cat’s room, knocking on the door only because he didn’t feel like he had the right to barge right into her room. No reply came but a low whimper reached his ears. Slowly, he pushed open her door to see a sight that broke his heart. 

Cat was curled up on the grounded, one of Sonny’s police academy hoodies on, and her arms crossed over her stomach as if protecting herself. Sonny flinched at the sight, but felt himself steadied by a hand on his hip. Raf’s presence grounded him and pushed him to take first one step then another towards his daughter. Raf closed the door behind him, letting Sonny know that he trusted him to fix this and also conveying his knowledge that this was something Sonny had to do on his own. 

Cat was snuffling and whimpering in her dream, as he crouched down Sonny could just make out her words, “Daddy, please, don’t send me away, please.” Her words from that morning stabbed into Sonny’s heart like a ice pick. Slowly, he put out a hand to stroke her cheek and brush her hair back. She curled in on herself more. Thinking for a moment, debating on whether he had the right to do so, Sonny pulled her into his lap, rocking her slowly. The movement caused her to stir but not wake up. Her litany of words started to slow as he hummed into her hair, still rocking her. She was tall and gangly enough as a teenager but he was still taller. She was still his little girl. 

“Daddy,” she murmured, “Don’t go.”

“Oh, sweetheart, I never should have let you go in the first place,” Sonny replied.

She started to stir in his arms, she tensed, recognizing that she was being held by someone she could not yet identify but Sonny wouldn’t let her go.

“Sweetheart?” he whispered.

“Dad?” her voice was tentative, she didn’t move her face from the crook of his neck, she didn’t want to know if this was a dream just yet.

“Oh Cat, I’m so sorry,” Sonny replied, “I’m so sorry. I love you and I cannot imagine my life without you in it.”

Cat tried to pull away from him then, “It’s okay. And you don’t need to…”

“I am not lying to you,” Sonny cut her off, intent on making her hear his message, “It’s not okay. I don’t care that it happened three years ago. I am sorry. You are special. You are wanted. You are needed here, with me, with your papa, and with the squad.”

“Why did you leave?” Cat’s voice was small but she had stopped trying to leave his embrace. 

“I thought that was what you needed — but it was what I wanted, not what you needed. I didn’t listen to you. I’m sorry,” Sonny took a deep breath, “Just now, when you were sleeping…”

“You left me alone,” Cat said, voice broken, and sad. 

“I know,” Sonny accepted it.

“I don’t care what happens but please, please don’t leave me again, Daddy.”

“I won’t, darling, I love you.”

Cat hugged him then, “I love you too.”

“I believe you,” Sonny replied, projecting as much sincerity and love as he could into those three words.

“Stay?” asked Cat as her eyes drooped again, her fatigue evident.

“Always, Cat. I swear on my life, I’ll always stay.”

Sonny kept her close as she curled up and fell back into a dreamless nap.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this might seem a tad dramatic but I think Sonny would consider scaring Cat, even when she says she's over it, as a form of abuse. This situation really cuts him to the core.


	41. A visit from the Chief

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chief Dodds makes an appearance. There's a gift.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own Law and Order: SVU, especially the intro.

An hour later Cat awoke to find that her dad had indeed stayed with her. She smiled and kept her eyes closed for another moment to savour how warm and protected she felt. Slowly, so as not to elbow him she extricated herself from his arms. He just watched her, “Cat?”

“We’re okay right?” she asked.

“We will be, sweetheart.” 

The doorbell rang then and both of them got up from the floor, Sonny brushing a kiss over Cat’s forehead before they went to investigate their visitor. 

“Chief Dodds?” Sonny was confused at the presence of the police chief at his apartment no less, “Was there a message?”

“No, nothing to worry about Sonny. I came by to drop off a little gift for the holidays.”

“Well, that was kind of you,” Raf said, noting that Sonny and Cat seemed okay which gave him some relief. He was still confused about what the police chief was doing at their apartment. 

“What did you do, frame it?” Cat queried.

“As a matter of fact, I did,” responded Dodds, as he passed over a wrapped package to Rafael. 

Cat laughed at him, “I can’t believe you.”

“I feel like we’re missing something,” Sonny remarked, gesturing at himself and his husband.

“Yeah. How I learned not to make bets with police chiefs,” responded Cat, “Although, I must admit it worked out quite well for both of us.”

“I would say so as well. I would think it took care of their Christmas present at least. It’ll be in tomorrow’s edition by the way. That,” he pointed at the package Rafael was holding, “was from an advanced copy.”

Then the Chief left, after wishing them all a Merry Christmas and reminding them that he would see them at the Police Christmas Ball the next week. Rafael closed the door, forehead creased in confusion. 

“Any chance you’ll fill us in?” her papa asked, eyebrow raised, turning the package over in his hands. 

“Why not just open it?” Cat replied, her body language was a little tense but not from fear, instead she seemed excited and anxious. 

“And ruin the chance to ask you why you’re making bets with the chief of police? Never,” Sonny responded, aiming for a casual tone. 

“There was nothing else to do,” replied Cat, shrugging, “And he wanted good press for the precinct before the holidays — it was a win/win situation really.”

“Do you want us to know what it is right now?” Sonny asked.

“You’ll see it tomorrow anyways, might as well see it now I guess,” Cat shrugged, a little nervous as to how they would react to the result of her losing a bet for the first time in her life. To be honest it hadn’t been that bad but still, her parents and their friends were pretty private people. 

“Living room?” Raf asked, “I’ve got some food out there too.”

Cat nodded, settling easily onto the couch and picking at the fruit her papa had set out. Raf and Sonny sat down on the couch next to hers, the package still a solid weight in his hand. 

“What was the bet?” Raf asked as he placed the package on the table, “Actually, wait, I’m not sure I want to know.”

“It wasn’t anything bad.”

“What did he win?” Sonny asked.

“That,” Cat nodded at the package, “Just like I said, some good PR for the department before the holidays.”

Raf reached out to pick up the package again, looking at Cat again for an indication that she wasn’t okay with it. She shrugged again, “You’ll see it tomorrow anyways.”

Sonny put a hand out to stop Raf from opening it, “Wait,” he looked at his daughter, she was nervous but not scared, and then there was that thing she kept saying, “Twenty questions?”

“Five,” Cat returned, smiling.

“What appears everyday?” Sonny asked, looking at his husband.

“The sun?” Raf posited.

“Wrong,” Cat said, a chuckle in her voice.

“What appears everyday that can be framed?” Sonny asked after rolling his eyes fondly at his family.

“Criminals,” Raf replied.

Another chuckle was elicited from Cat, “True, but still, incorrect.”

“The paper,” Raf interjected.

‘Ah, but which one?” Cat asked.

“The Post?” Sonny said.

Both Rafael and Cat rolled their eyes at him.

“The Times,” Raf stated.

Cat nodded. 

Sonny went for the package again, sliding a hand underneath the wrapping and pulled out a a frame featuring two pages of the New York Times. The headline was LAW AND ORDER: SVU 

A photo of the squad, and Raf, sat directly below the headline. 

It was an interview, with Cat, about the squad and life in the NYPD and the DA’s office as well as the judge’s bench from the perspective of an outsider. 

Sonny started reading, Raf leaning against him to see the article too.

Ty Laurier (Times Interviewer): So, describe for our readers what SVU is, for those who do are not aware of it already?

Cat: Well, in the criminal justice system, sexually-based offenses are considered especially heinous. In New York City, the dedicated detectives who investigate these vicious felonies are members of an elite squad called the Special Victims Unit. These are their stories. Or more accurately, apparently my view of their stories. 

T: Tell me, why decide to give this interview now? 

C: I consider a favour for Chief Dodds. I also think it’s important to give the NYPD and the DA’s office personality — the people who protect us aren’t faceless. They have lives and stories, why shouldn’t the good people of New York be aware of that fact?

The article went on for a little bit talking about Cat and some fun memories about growing up around the squad. Then things took a turn for the personal. 

T: Both of your fathers work for the city, correct?

C: I think you know they do seeing as when they got married you actually covered the event. 

T: I did. Do you think you could describe them for our readers?

C: My dads?

T: Come on, you’re a writer, at least according to your school paper. Who are they to you?

C: Well, it’s definitely a question I’ve spent a lot of time contemplating, especially now when I’m looking to my future. 

T: So, what have you come up with?  
C: Well, my dad, Sergeant Barba-Carisi, man it’s weird to refer to him like that… Anyways, he’s like sunshine and rainbows [laughs]…

T: Interesting description [laughs too].

C: But, he’s also thunder and lightning. He cares a lot about his job and the people whose paths he crosses. He’s so compassionate but he’s full of righteousnesses too. I think some of that comes from being a lawyer and a police officer. 

T: And your other father?

C: Does that confuse you, Ty? Yes, my papa, he’s my rock. He’s like the ocean — all unplumbed depths but oh so consistent. He’s always there when I need him. 

T: Now, let’s talk about the squad they worked on together before your dad became a judge…

The article went on to talk about the amazing work the squad had done inside and outside of the precinct. Small cameos of quotations from Noah and Jesse made appearances but Cat’s answers were obviously the main component. 

Sonny had to admit that it was an extremely flattering piece without sounding like it was capitalizing on peoples’ goodwill from the season. Most of it really was a feel-good, family friendly piece about how amazing they all were. He could understand why Dodds wanted the piece and even appreciated him choosing SVU to highlight above all other precincts. It was the fact that Cat had given the interview though that was making him smile so wide that he idly thought his jaw might hurt later. 

“I want that on a t-shirt,” Raf quipped, breaking the silence that had reigned since he and Sonny had finished reading, “Sunshine and rainbows,” he shook his head smiling, “Good lord.”

“Merry Christmas,” Cat said shyly from the other couch.

“Sweetheart, this is beyond words — it’s absolutely amazing,” Raf went to sweep Cat up in a bear hug. Sonny followed, laying the frame on the coffee table. 

“Thank you,” he whispered, kissing her on her head. 

“So, you’re really okay with it?” she asked as they separated, “I didn’t overstep?”

“No,” Sonny said.

“Especially, since it was endorsed by Dodds,” Raf replied, “It was amazing, Cat.”

“I can’t wait to see the squad’s reactions!” Sonny exclaimed.

“We should have them over tomorrow morning,” Raf suggested.

Then both of them turned to Cat, “Only if you’d be okay with that,” Sonny asked.

She nodded and grinned, “Sure, it’ll be fun.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *The description of Sonny is from nerd-girl-642 
> 
> https://nerd-girl-642.tumblr.com/post/161056048710/i-love-that-my-description-of-sonny-is-something


	42. The Centre of Attention

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The squad reacts to the article.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a short update. 
> 
> I do not own Law and Order: SVU

Of course, when the next morning came Cat wanted to lock herself in her room to avoid interacting with her family. It wasn’t so much that she was nervous about the reaction of the squad because her dads had liked the piece so that was what mattered most. No, Cat just didn’t want to be the centre of attention. Thankfully, no one had arrived yet. It was only 6:00am but Cat was already trying to figure out how to avoid everyone when a light knock sounded on her bedroom door. 

“Cat?” 

She opened the door to let her dad into her room, smiling halfheartedly at him as she sat back down beside her bed, knees drawn up to her chin.

“We could tell them all to forget about it,” her dad said as he sat down in front of her. 

Cat looked up, surprised but pleased that he had clued into her mood. “No, it’s alright. I’ll be fine once they get here. I just…”  
“Don’t want to be the centre of attention. Your papa gets that way too.”

Cat nodded. She knew that too. 

“He gives interviews because he has to, not because he wants to.”

Cat nodded again.

“What is it about this morning that’s getting to you?” her dad asked, nudging her foot with his socked one.

“It just makes everything feel okay.”

“Isn’t it?”

“No.”

“Okay.”

Cat’s forehead scrunched up at her dad’s response “What do you mean, okay?” 

“Life isn't supposed to be okay all the time. It happens to you and you can’t often control it. So, when I tell you that’s okay I mean it’s okay not to be okay.”  
Cat hummed in agreement with his words, “I guess I was worried what they might make of it all.”

“Well, you know what we think of it. Does that help?”

“Somewhat.” 

“How long have you been up worrying about this?”  
She checked her phone, “About an hour.”

“How about some breakfast instead of worrying?”

Cat nodded, “Thanks Dad.”

—  
True to Sonny and Raf’s predictions the squad loved the article. 

Liv was proud that they were getting the positive press the NYPD craved while Fin was enjoying making whooshing sounds at Rafael in a poor imitation of waves. Amanda had jumped on the bandwagon of making “Sunshine and Rainbow” t-shirts. 

Sonny was trying to look annoyed but honestly, he was quite on board with his daughter’s description of himself. 

Noah and Jesse had spent some time joshing Cat, but they never let their teasing go too far. They kept her close, situating her in between them on the couch. She wasn’t the centre of attention, her dads made sure of that, but there was no denying the she was at the centre of their hearts that day.


	43. The stars that surround us

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's dress shopping and happiness!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own Law and Order: SVU

The Christmas Police Ball was the highlight of the NYPD social calendar and usually Cat looked forward to it. She was excited, really, she was, but it would be the first time that she’d be around such a sheer number of perceptive individuals. She knew her dad’s former colleagues would be there and her papa’s colleagues would be sprinkled throughout the room too in a show of friendship and camaraderie. She knew that there was nothing to be afraid of, but still, Cat worried about making a scene, even unintentionally. 

In an attempt to get her out of her head Amanda, Liv, and Jesse had dragged her out of the apartment after spending some time crowing over her article. They pulled her out to shop, insisting that she would enjoy the crowds, the music, and that nothing she already owned would suffice for the Ball. Eventually, Cat just shook her head and allowed them to take her along for the ride. 

Rita popped up at Bloomingdale’s, a welcome surprise and presence for Cat. The two of them bantered back and forth while Amanda and Jesse tossed dresses into Cat’s dressing room. Liv sat down, evaluating each dress her goddaughter appeared in, and smiling at the the healthy flush of happiness that bloomed on Cat’s cheeks. 

Finally, Rita broke away from her over the door bantering and took a swift turn through the store, eyes sharp, hunting for the perfect dress. When she returned, selection in hand, she found Cat and Jesse playfully disagreeing about the dress the younger woman was currently wearing. 

“I’m not wearing red just because it’s Christmas, Jesse!”

“Come on, it fits you perfectly.”

Cat twisted in the mermaid style dress, hands running over her hips, stomach, and upper thighs as she evaluated herself in the mirror. Rita could see the quirk of her eyes, shuttering just a touch. It was clear that Cat didn’t feel comfortable in what she felt was too much of a dress. She was less about sex appeal than Jesse. It didn’t help that she often doubted her own looks, but that was what happened to teenaged girls, Rita reminded herself. 

“I’ve got a request,” Rita interrupted, placing the dress in Cat’s hands.

Cat’s eyes swept up and over her selection. 

“Alright,” Cat replied softly, fingering the flowing material, her gaze a little dreamy. She ducked back into the room to change.

“I think you found the winner,” Jesse whispered as she settled down to sit beside Liv.

“I thought it might do the trick,” Rita responded, settling on the other side of Liv. 

The four women chattered for a few moments, then Amanda called out, “Cat? You good?”

“This is it,” replied Cat, they heard rustling and soon Cat left the dressing room, dress draped over her arm, “but you aren’t going to see it until tomorrow.”

“What?” Jesse exclaimed.

Cat grinned evilly, winking at Rita, “You heard me. I’ll go pay.”

Rita followed her to the cash while Amanda and Jesse muttered something about stubborn Barbas. Liv laughed and watched as Cat went to pay only to have Rita slip her card to the salesperson. A brief verbal tussle occurred, which Cat lost, and Rita grinned in triumph as the salesperson zipped up the dress in a garment bag.  
——  
The next night a knock sounded on the apartment door as Sonny was putting on his second cufflink, “Just a moment!” he called, twisting the cufflink and locking it in place. He peeked through the peephole only to see Lucia Barba. He pulled open the door, a welcoming but confused smile on his face.

“Evening Lucia,” he offered to take her coat, which she refused. 

“I just wanted to drop something off for Cat,” Sonny nodded. 

“She’s in her room, we’re leaving in about fifteen minutes.”

“I’ll be gone before then, “ Lucia said drily, watching as Sonny briefly panicked at sounding rude and then realized she was making fun of him. 

A huff of laughter came from the hallway, “You know we’ve been married for awhile, you can stop terrorizing the love of life at any point Mama.”

“Oh, but it’s so fun, Rafi.”

Sonny blushed and shook his head at the interaction, “Love of your life eh?”  
“I’m sorry, wasn’t it obvious?” Raf fixed his husband with half glare, one eyebrow raised. Sonny just smiled even wider in response. Rolling his eyes Raf went over to fix Sonny’s tie, “Is there something you need Mama?”

“I just wanted to drop something off for Cat.”

“She’s…”

“In her room, yes, Rafi, I heard.”

Lucia knocked lightly on her granddaughter’s bedroom door, “Come in!” called Cat. 

Cat was pulling back some of her hair, fixing it so that some of her hair was up in an updo, but the rest of it fell loosely to her shoulders. She was wearing the dress. It was navy, so dark it almost looked black, much like the NYPD uniform Lucia mused. The empire waist saw to it that her height was accentuated and all along the capped sleeves and the bodice small twinkling jewels caught the light. The flowing skirt had jewels too, at the end of it. 

“You look like the night sky.”

Cat whirled at the sound of her grandma’s voice, she blushed, “Thank you.” She smoothed the front of the dress, “Rita picked it out.”

“She always had good taste.”

Cat smiled.

“I have something for you, darling,” Cat was intrigued but polite enough not to push her grandma.

Lucia pulled a small box from her purse and then gestured for Cat to sit in front of her vanity. 

“Now, close your eyes and pull your hair up.”

“Grandma…”

“Catalina,” Lucia’s tone brooked no argument, but it still held warmth.

“You know I don’t like surprises.”

“Yes, well, one day somebody will surprise you and you’ll love them enough to pretend you like it.”

“Not likely.”

Lucia took out a delicate silver chain from the box and carefully clasped it around her granddaughter’s neck. She touched Cat’s hand lightly, “Let go.”

Cat dropped her hair and opened her eyes. 

Cat couldn’t breathe.

Her hand stretched out to touch the small star pendant that now hung at her throat.

She swallowed, trying to keep tears from falling. 

She opened her mouth but couldn’t speak. Instead she turned and hugged Lucia tightly. It was awkward with Cat sitting and Lucia standing but it didn’t matter. 

“Thank you,” Cat finally found her voice when they separated, tears of happiness shining in her eyes.

Lucia had tears in her eyes too. 

“She would have been proud of you; she would have told you to keep shining brightly.”

Cat nodded, sniffing. 

Lucia hugged her again, “Enjoy tonight, darling.” Cat nodded, a large smile on her face.

“I will.”

Lucia ducked out of the room, passing by Rafi and Sonny on her way out. Raf saw her out, confusion still evident on his face, but Lucia said nothing except for goodbye as she kissed his cheek. As he closed the door Lucia saw Cat emerge from the hallway and she nodded at her son, indicating he had other things to occupy him at the moment. 

Rafael closed the door, turning to see his daughter. His breath caught. He looked at Sonny who was also a little taken aback. Their eyes met and both knew the other was thinking the same thing. “There is no way that you’re our little girl,” Sonny said, voicing their opinions aloud. 

Cat rolled her eyes, but blushed too. Raf went over to her, “You look…” his voice caught at the sight of the star pendant she was wearing. Raf bit his lip, feeling emotion welling up inside of him. She looked like his abuelita when she was younger, he saw it in the spark of her eyes and the quirk of her smile. Cat smoothed her hands down the front of her dress again, nervous, waiting for her papa to say something.

“You look like her,” Raf finished, tucking a stray curl behind her ear, “And she would have been so proud to have you wear that.”

“That’s what abuelita said,” murmured Cat.

“She’s right.” 

Sonny had hung back for a moment, noticing the star just a moment before Raf had. He knew how important that pendant was — Catalina had worn it throughout her life. She had left it with Lucia for Rafael a day before her passing. Sonny had only ever seen it in pictures until then, because Rafael had refused to take it. 

Now their daughter was wearing it. 

Sonny sent up a quick prayer to Catalina Barba to thank her for keeping Raf safe and whole enough during his childhood that they could now enjoy this moment.


	44. A Vision in Midnight Blue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They're at the Ball! Rita is tipsy. There's a staring contest. Noah makes a move, kind of. Raf and Sonny reflect on their love for each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, this chapter went in direction I did not anticipate. 
> 
> I do not own: Brooklyn 99, Law and Order: SVU, or anything related to One Direction.

Cat couldn’t help the nerves that threatened to overwhelm her the moment before they walked into the ballroom. Her hands went tense and she fought to keep her nails away from her palms. 

She took a breath, squared her shoulders, and then strode forward through the doors, a determined smile on her face.

Sonny had a moment, when something other than happiness had stolen over his daughter’s face, when he doubted their decision to attend the Ball that night. The sight of Cat waltzing into the room like she owned it though, that wiped his worries from his mind. 

Deciding to trust her as they had promised to do, Sonny led Raf off to the bar to grab drinks before they started to circulate around the room. 

Of course, they didn’t have to go far before they bumped into Chief Dodds and his surprising partner in conversation, Rita. 

“What are you doing here?” Raf asked his friend, nodding at the Chief who nodded back. 

“Well, Tucker bailed on Liv…”

“He lost his voice,” Liv interjected as she appeared, bearing drinks, one of which she passed to Rita, “and Rita wanted to see the dress she picked out in person.”

“Speaking of, where is your darling progeny?”

“Tell me, do they make you use antiquated words in law school or do you just do it to sound pretentious?” asked the Chief, eyeing Rita with a half-smirk. 

“Wouldn’t you like to know,” Rita began.

“And, that’s enough of that,” muttered Raf as he let go of Sonny’s hand to pull Rita off to look for Cat, “Honestly, how much have you had to drink?”

“A few,” admitted his friend, a mischievous look in her eyes.

“Goodness,” Raf murmured, catching sight of Cat talking to the Sergeant from Brooklyn’s 99th precinct.

“Oh Rita, it really does suit her!” Jesse and Amanda joined them out of the blue, allowing Raf to foist a tipsy Rita into a conversation about his daughter. He stayed with the women as they chatted, keeping an eye on both Cat and Sonny. The latter had seen him be accosted and had blown him a kiss when Raf had rolled his eyes at his current company. 

Eventually, Cat noticed he papa standing with Rita, Jesse, and Amanda — he looked put upon, happy, but put upon all the same. Deciding to rescue him, Cat excused herself to Sergeants Jeffords she made her way over to her papa. 

“Cat! You look so pretty!” squealed Jesse, as she hugged her friend then made her do a little twirl at which Raf shook his head smiling.

“Of course she looks good — have you seen her gene pool?” Rita announced slightly louder than required.

“What have you been drinking?” Cat asked her godmother, slightly concerned at her more boisterous behaviour. 

“A few” mouthed her papa behind Rita, and his daughter smiled, trying not to laugh. 

“Great” she mouthed back. 

“Who were you talking to?” Amanda asked, claiming a hug from Cat too.

“Sergeant Jeffords, from the 99?” she looked for recognition in Amanda’s face; the woman nodded, “I swear, I learn more yogurt facts from him than a yogurt commercial.” Cat stopped, her forehead crinkling, “Then again, that might not be saying much.” 

Jesse laughed at her, “You gotten a drink yet?” Cat shook her head, “I ran into Senator Wyatt on my way to get one and then Jeffords popped over.”

“Shall we then?” Jesse offered Cat her arm and smiling, her younger friend took it, then they set off to grab something to drink. 

“Have you seen Noah yet?” Jesse asked Cat as they waited for the bartender to make them two Shirley Temples. 

“Nope, just Wyatt and Jeffords. Your mom, Rita, and you.”

“That boy dressed well this year.”

“Really?”

“Remember that horrible suit that girl picked for him last year — ugh” Jesse shuddered.

“It wasn’t that bad” Cat said, aiming for diplomatic.

“It was though,” a deep voice spoke in Cat’s ear just then, making her start. The speaker stepped back so she could see him properly. Noah was a sight in a dark midnight blue three-piece suit, and a tie adorned with shiny silver flecks. 

“This is definitely an improvement,” Cat conceded after looking at him for a beat longer than felt normal. 

Noah smiled and passed Cat her drink which had arrived around the same time he had. 

Murmuring a thank you she sipped it quietly watching the ballroom. While Cat looked around the room Jesse and Noah had a non-verbal conversation above her head. Jesse eyes were stern, while Noah shook his head slightly. Jesse glared at him. 

“What did I walk into?” Sonny remarked as he joined the kids by the bar, grabbing a beer and a glass of scotch for Raf who had been joined on Rita duty by Liv, the Chief having gone off somewhere else after a brief conversation. Munch and Fin were with Amanda who was laughing at something Rita had said that had made Liv blush. 

Cat looked up at her dad, confusion evident on her face, “What?”

Sonny caught Jesse’s eyes and she very slowly shook her head, “Nothing darling, just thought I interrupted a staring contest between these two.”

Cat smirked, shaking her head. 

“You okay?”

Cat nodded.

“Alright, well, then I’m off to see if I can coax your god mom to tell us some fun stories about your papa.”

“Don’t forget to share later!” Cat called after him.

“Always!” he called back, winking at her over his shoulder. Before he turned back to his group though his eyes landed on Noah with an unreadable expression, then it vanished as Sonny turned away. Noah let out a sigh.

“Everything okay Noah?” Cat asked.

“Yeah, Cat, everything’s great.”  
“You sound super convincing,” Jesse commented, “I can’t wait to see you do undercover work.”  
“Rude,” Noah muttered at her.

“Thank goodness you’ll have me to drag your ass out of danger eh?”

“So, you’ve both decided to come back for the Academy?” Cat asked.

“Let’s just say we’re keeping our options open,” Jesse replied for both of them. Noah shot her a thankful look. She grinned back, mischief still alight in her eyes, “Oh look! the DJ is setting up!”

In a few minutes music came over the speakers, mostly classical renditions of Christmas carols or soft pop music played at events like this, and soon people were dancing. Her mom and Sonny took a turn on the floor while Liv and Raf danced. Rita was sitting by now, smiling at her friends. When the song ended Liv returned Raf to Sonny and as the two men kept dancing Jesse had a brainwave. “Cat, why don’t you and Noah go out there and show the old timers how it’s done?”

Cat giggled, “First off, they dance quite well (they taught me how to dance) and second, do you just want us to leave so that you can make a move on someone? because you should really just ask.” Cat offered Noah her hand, looking at him, with an expression that said “Well?”

Noah smiled at her as they walked out onto the dance floor just as the opening strains of ’Steal My Girl’ by One Direction started to play over over the speakers. “I couldn’t have picked a better song myself,” thought Jesse, “Noah thinks that everything deserves Cat’s attention but him. Oh, and he definitely doesn’t think she belongs to him. Still, I like this song.” 

Noah and Cat made quite the dashing pair on the floor, Cat’s casual grace helped Noah fall into a steady rhythm as they danced. 

Liv watched her son and goddaughter dance until something occurred to her. 

“Rita, why’d you want to know what suit Noah was wearing tonight?” 

“So they could match,” responded the woman, “Or at least complement each other well.”

“Why would that matter?” Liv asked.

Rita just jerked her chin at the dancing pair, “You tell me Lieutenant.”

Liv looked. Her gaze went past Cat and Noah to settle on Raf and Sonny for a moment. The two pairs danced closely, looking at their partners like they were the only people in the room. Liv drew in a sharp breath. 

“I wondered,” she whispered.

“Just promise me that now you know I won’t have to suffer through another Barba mess of a courtship,” Rita asked, “Please?”

“I think that can be arranged.”

Raf’s head laid on Sonny’d shoulder as they rotated slowly, he loved being this close to Sonny in public. To Rafael dancing was an intimate thing — something he only truly let himself revel in when he was with Sonny or occasionally his friends. He had taught Cat to dance when she was younger, and she enjoyed it just as much as he did. 

Opening his eyes he lifted his head to look for her, when his eyes landed on her coming back from a twirl Noah’s arms wrapping sturdily around her waist as she came back. Rafael huffed.

“What is it?” Sonny asked, as they continued to danced. He had felt Raf break from his reverie and was curious about his husband’s half-laugh.

“Look,” Raf murmured, turning them a little faster so that Cat and Noah were in Sonny’s line of sight. Sonny looked from the dancing pair to Jesse at the bar, the younger Rollins caught his eye and he raised an eyebrow at her. She smirked and toasted him with her drink.

“Jesse’s in on this.”

“I think Rita is too.”

They continued to dance as both men processed the idea of Cat and Noah, together, even in the distant future. 

“It’s not like we don’t know that he’s good for her,” Raf said.

“That’s true.”

Sonny watched Noah’s face, seeing the lovestruck expression he himself had worn (and still wears) when he looks at Raf. But Cat, her expression was happy yes, but he only saw open affection.

“I’m not sure she knows yet…”

“Well, then only time will tell. But you think he, for certain?”

“Yeah.”  
“How do you know?”

“He looks at her the way Rita told me I looked at you whenever you dropped by my office.”

Sonny grinned, pressing a light kiss to Raf’s temple. 

“I was going to say he looks at her the way Amanda told me I looked at you whenever I went to watch you in court.”

Raf blushed and smiled up at Sonny.

“Then, I guess, his love’s pretty solid,” Raf said.

“I would say so,” Sonny replied.


	45. A Cinderella moment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Noah avoids Cat's question. She doesn't take no for an answer. Noah says more than he intends to and he sort lets his secret crush slip.

Noah wanted to be angry that Jesse had pushed him into dancing with Cat, but honestly, he couldn’t be happier than he was at the moment. Cat’s open grin made his heart beat just a little faster and he knew how much she loved dancing. Sighing internally, he realized he would probably have to buy Jesse a gift or at least a fancy coffee when the night was over to repay her. 

Sonny and Raf danced in his periphery and his insides did a nervous backflip. He couldn’t shake the feeling the Sonny knew something was up and if Sonny knew, well, it wouldn’t be long before Raf knew. Noah loved both men deeply. They had helped raise him after all but it hadn’t been that long ago that he had threatened Raf and implied that they were mediocre parents. He knew he’d said those things in the heat of the moment but the memory of that day still made him wince. Cat noticed his tight expression, “Noah?” she asked quietly, placing one of her hands on his cheek, “You doing okay?”

“Yeah, of course,” he hitched another smile up on his face but Cat wasn’t taking his brush off. 

“Noah?” she asked again, stepping a bit closer, causing him to stumble and bring her even closer. 

“It’s nothing,” he replied, but he avoided her eyes. 

“I call bullshit,” Cat said, her eyes sharp, and she stopped dancing to make him focus on her. She put out her hand for him to take, “Let’s go for a walk,” she suggested. The hotel they were in was home to an extensive art gallery that she was extremely fond of and it was open all evening. Noah wished he could say he hesitated and that he thought of some way to diffuse the situation without even entertaining the possibility of this conversation but he didn’t. Noah just nodded and followed her down the hall. 

They greeted a few people in passing but once they got to the gallery Cat took him to her favourite place in the exhibit — the library. No one was in the library when they arrived, which made Noah nervous for a whole other reason. The setting was beautiful. There was a squashy yet regal couch, a crackling fire, books on floor to ceiling shelves, and he had imagined situations like this with Cat all too often. While Noah was lost in his thoughts Cat had taken up a seat on one side of the couch, and when Noah came back to the moment she was smiling softly at him. She patted the cushion next to her, “You back with me, Benson?”

Her eyes seemed to twinkle in the firelight. Noah couldn’t get over how perfect she looked in that moment. He drew in a deep breath and nodded. Each step over the couch seemed to happen in slow motion but then he found himself sitting beside her. 

“What’s going on?” 

“What makes you think something’s going on?” 

“Well, you and Jesse for one. There’s some tension there tonight for sure. And well, you followed me here. You didn’t explain in the ballroom. If it was really nothing you would have told me or at least tried to make up an excuse, if it was embarrassing.”

“You know me too well, Barisi,” chuckled Noah, he settled back against the cushions and closed his eyes halfway. 

“Guilty as charged,” Cat responded, slipping off her shoes as she also settled into a more comfortable position, legs tucked up underneath her dress. 

“What if I can’t talk about it?” Noah asked after a few moments of silence.

“Well, I think we can both say that keeping something inside will not end well. It tends to eat at you from the inside out. Becoming a mess of a person isn’t exactly great,” Cat said, “Just look at me.”

“Don’t,” Noah’s voice was soft, “Don’t do that.”

“Noah, I’m just making a point,” Cat started.

“No,” his voice came slightly louder and firmer than beforehand, “You’re not a mess. You’re not whatever your mind makes you think you are, okay?!”

The silence between them stretched now, until Cat spoke, quietly, “This is part of me, Noah. I will always have depression. I will hopefully learn to manage it better in the future, but I will likely always have days where I really believe the demons in my head. Do you understand that?”

“You’ll get better,” Noah replied, closing his eyes and completely blocking Cat’s resigned expression from his field of vision.

“There is no cure for me, Noah. I don’t need to be fixed, because I’m not broken!” 

At that his eyes flew open, Cat reached down for her shoes, but his fingers closed around her wrist, “Wait!” Her eyes were hurt but she went to pull back her arm. He let go of her. 

“I’m sorry. I can’t really seem to do anything right for you,” when she opened her mouth to disagree, he held up a palm, asking her to wait, “I can’t talk to you about what’s going through my head right now. I will not jeopardize having you in my life to indulge in a self-serving rant about my personal issues!”

Cat looked troubled at his words, she reached out for his hands, and interlinked their fingers as he determinedly looked at the fire. 

“Noah, you’re one of the best people I have in my life.”

He smiled weakly, turning to look at her, wondering idly what it would be like to throw caution to the winds and just kiss her right then. 

He squeezed her hands, “You are the best person in my life too.”

“I won’t tell Liv if you won’t tell my dads.”

He chuckled, “Promise?”

“Promise.”

They sat for a bit, letting their hands separate as Cat leaned against Noah’s shoulder and they looked at the fire. Eventually, Cat spoke again though, “Noah, you’re not in trouble are you? You’re not…” she cast around for a word, “unsafe?”

He chuckled more warmly, slinging an arm over her shoulder to let her snuggle closer. “No, I promise. I am quite well — physically and mentally.” 

“And emotionally?” Dammit, he knew he should have anticipated that angle! 

“I’m working on it.” He didn’t want to lie to her if he avoid it.

“Tiffany didn’t deserve you, Noah. She was mean and selfish.” Cat said.

“Tiffany?” Noah said the name in surprise, he hadn’t thought of Tiff cheating on him in months. 

Cat quirked her head up to look at him, “I figured since it was the holidays and you said emotionally you…”

Noah stopped her words with a laugh, “I’m well past Tiffany. I’d definitely prefer being with you over her any day.” The moment he said the words Noah wanted to take them back; they were too obvious, but then Cat laughed as well. 

“Yeah, I’ll remind you of that when you start dating again,” Cat’s eyes lit up as if in understanding, “Is that it? You’re crushing on someone? Have you been holding out on me Noah?!”

Before he could stop himself Noah replied, “Yes.”

Cat squealed with excitement, all previous lingering tension evaporating, “And Jesse’s trying to get you to make a move right? That’s why there’s tension?” Noah nodded, not trusting his voice at the moment, ”Well, don’t let her cramp your style.”

“She isn’t in a position to date right now so I’m just trying to be friendly and helpful,” Noah found himself telling Cat, “She’s going through some big personal crises of her own.”

Cat smiled at him, “That’s really good of you, Noah.”

“I’m just being a decent human.”

“You are a decent human. I get it though — goodness knows dating while dealing with things like family issues or mental health can be stressful — I definitely wouldn’t want to date now.”

Noah nodded as Cat spoke, breathing a quiet sigh of relief that he had guessed correctly, she wasn’t ready for a relationship when she was just figuring out where her mind needed to be on any given day.

“I hope she’s wonderful, Noah. I hope you didn’t think I wouldn’t want to know this — even though I’m dealing with some stuff at the moment I still want to be your friend. I still ant to know what’s going on in that head of yours,” she ruffled his hair affectionately, “Also, you won’t jeopardize our friendship by telling me you’re making new friends. You have to keep living your life, just like I do. If I’m feeling insecure I’ll try to tell you.”

“Thank you,” whispered Noah.

The clock in the library stuck midnight, startling both of them. Noah stood up first, then he knelt for Cat’s shoes before she could reach for them, “Tonight wouldn’t be complete without a Cinderella moment, don’t you think?”

Smiling softly, Cat tugged her shoes out of his hands and put them on herself. She was in no need of a Prince Charming.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to make it clear that I in no way believe that people who are struggling with their mental health, with family issues, or anything similar cannot or should not be in a relationship. What this chapter explores is Cat's particular feeling that while she's figuring out how to treat and live with her depression that a relationship would not be a helpful addition at this point.


	46. Call Confessions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Raf and Sonny tease Cat. 
> 
> Jesse teases Noah.
> 
> A phone call is overhead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been gone for so long, because of grad school. I spent my Sunday writing this instead of writing my assignments and my seminars, because I'm so stressed. Please enjoy the fruits of my procrastination and fear of the future.

“Where did you and Noah disappear to?” Raf asked Cat as Sonny hailed a cab for them. 

“You make it sound clandestine, Papa,” Cat giggled as she ducked her head and entered the cab. 

“And you avoided the question,” Sonny replied, “quite skillfully I might add.”

Cat laughed again as her Papa shut the door and they headed off toward the apartment, “Well, my parents are lawyers, what do you expect?”

“You still haven’t answered me,” Raf said, a teasing note in his voice. 

“Noah needed to talk and he wouldn’t do it in the ballroom so I brought him to the library.”

Sonny and Raf looked at each other over Cat’s head. She noticed. “What’s up?” she asked. 

“Nothing,” Sonny replied, a smile on his face. 

“I don’t believe you,” Cat paused, “Do you know about Noah’s situation too? How?”

“What situation?” Raf pounced on the slip up.

Cat blushed, “I walked right into that one,” she paused, thinking that Noah hadn’t told her to keep it quiet, “He told me about his new crush. He can’t make a move right now though and he didn’t want to make me feel like he wasn’t paying attention to his friends,” Cat laughed again, “Dork.” She shook her head fondly as Raf and Sonny looked at each other over her head again. 

“Really?” Raf asked.

“What do you mean, really?” Cat asked, giving her papa a pointed look, “What are you implying, Papa?”

“Nothing, sweetheart. I thought you might be talking about someone else… What did Noah tell you about this person?”

“Not much, except that he likes her enough to risk a disagreement with me. Oh, and she’s having family issues or something right now so he’s just trying to be a good friend.”

Sonny hummed noncommittally. 

“What?” Cat asked. As the cab pulled up to the apartment and they exited the car both of her dads were silent, smiling but quiet, “What?” 

“Anyone you know?”

“No, I don’t think so…”

“It just sounds like someone he has been close to for awhile.”

‘What gives you that idea?” Cat queried as they rode the elevator upstairs, a look came over her face as Sonny unlocked the door.

“Wait…” Cat stood in the hallway as both her dads turned to look at her, “You mean Noah and…”

Raf raised his eyebrows at her. 

Cat’s forehead scrunched.

“Cat, you coming out of the hallway anytime soon?” Sonny called.

“Noah and Jesse,” she muttered as she walked forward and shut the down behind her as her forehead scrunched further, “Really?”

Sonny’s face was frozen halfway between confusion and hilarity. Raf started laughing. 

“Why are you laughing at me?” Cat asked in exasperation, a smile still somehow worming its way onto her face. 

“This is why you’re not going to the Academy,” Raf wiped at his eyes.

“I think you just complimented me and the rest of NYPD,” Sonny rolled his eyes at his husband.

“Well, there’s a first time for everything,” Raf replied. 

“Hello, still here and confused!” Cat waved at her dads.

“Oh darling,” Raf chuckled.

“Well, Jesse’s the only one he has known for a long time,” Cat replied.

“You’re serious,” Raf said, looking at his daughter with soft eyes.

“Yes, I am!”

Sonny smiled. His eyes were fond too. Cat raised her eyebrows at them. “Is someone going to clue me in?”

“I don’t think we’re the ones who should clue you in.”

“What’s that supposed to me? You know what, I’m going to call him and figure this out right now.” Cat twirled out of the room with a smile at her dads. 

“Is that a good idea?” Sonny asked Raf as Cat proceeded to her room. 

“Probably not… you know they should talk about it in person.”

“So, what’re we going to do?”

Sonny’s eyes lit up with a plan and Raf after a moment caught on. They both dashed to Cat’s room just as she was selecting Noah's number. Sonny reached over and plucked the phone out of her hand. 

“How about you interrogate him tomorrow morning huh?” 

“No, I want answers,” pouted Cat, as she made a half hearted swipe for her phone. 

“Seriously, sweetheart, you should talk to Noah in the daytime.”

“Why? Especially, with what you two implied, which I can tell you right now isn’t happening. There is no way that Jesse and Noah are dating or even dancing around each other.”

“I’d like the record to show that you jumped to the conclusion of Jesse and Noah dating,” interjected Raf. 

“But there’s no one else!” laughed Cat as she gave up trying to get her phone back, “No one!”

Sonny laughed, and kissed Cat on the head. “Don’t let your mind squirrels keep you up tonight. He’ll could be here tomorrow morning.”

Just then the phone in Sonny’s hand rang. 

“He’s going to worry if I don’t answer,” Cat said, rolling her eyes, so Sonny met her eyes and accepted the call, putting it on speaker.

“Hey Noah!” called Raf.

“Hello…?”

“Jesse?” asked Cat.

Sonny let out a bark of laughter, “Maybe we were wrong?” he said.

“Are you and Noah dating?” called out Cat, ignoring her dads antics. 

Jesse burst out laughing, causing the sound to crackle. Cat looked at her dads with a knowing look, as if to say ‘See, I was right!’ 

Another voice came through, “Jesse! Is that my phone? Who are you talking to?”

“No one,” teased Jesse.

“You know what after all you’ve put me through tonight can I catch a break?”Sonny opened his mouth but closed it after a look at Raf. Cat went to motion that Sonny should close the phone when Jesse spoke again, “What I’ve put you through?”  


“Do you know how close I was to telling her tonight?”

Cat put up a hand to stop any impending conversation. She knew she shouldn’t be eavesdropping, but she wanted to know. Lord, she wanted to know. 

“Well, why didn’t you?”

“Why didn’t I tell Cat I’m in love with her? Seriously, Jesse?”

Cat went white as a sheet. Sonny went to close the phone, but she slipped it from his fingers, “Jesse, put Noah on, please.”

Raf put a hand on her arm, “It’s okay,“ she whispered.

“We’ll be in the living room.” Cat nodded, turning away from them to her window seat where she settled in, her dress pooling around her.

———

Liv’s Apartment

It was like a bucket of ice had been thrown over him. “Jesse, please don’t tell me…” Jesse’s face had fallen and she looked so unhappy. 

 

“Noah, I…”

“Give me the phone,” Noah asked, “Now.”

She handed it over and backed out of the room. Jesse walked into the living room where Liv was sitting with a glass of wine and Rita, chatting, “Jesse, is something wrong?”

“I messed up.”

Rita who had sobered up somewhat took in Jesse’s face and her wringing hands.

“What happened?”

—  
Noah looked at the phone in his hands, holding it. His thumb hovered over the ‘end call’ button.

“Don’t hang up, please,” Cat’s voice came over the phone, “Please.”

“I won’t.”

A silence started to stretch between them, opening a chasm that Noah wasn’t sure how to cross. 

“Where are you?” Cat asked after a few minutes. 

Noah sighed silently, “Meet me at the diner around the corner from your place in fifteen minutes?” 

“Okay.”

—

Cat changed from her dress to some jeans and a sweater, but she kept the star necklace. It made her feel brave. She walked out into the living room where her dads were sitting and looking tense.

“You okay?” Raf asked. 

“You knew?”

“Not before tonight.” Cat nodded, then feeling like she needed the affection just then she burrowed into the space between her dads for a hug, which they gave openly. 

“He wants to meet at the corner diner.”

“And how do you feel?” Raf queried as he pulled her closer. 

“I don’t know…” 

“You don’t have to go,” Sonny told her.

“I want to,” she murmured, “I just don’t want anything to change.”

Sonny kissed her on the top of her head. 

It had been longer than fifteen minutes though, but Cat didn’t need to worry. A knock sounded at the apartment door.

Sonny kissed Cat on the head again and then went to open the door to find Noah on the other side of it. 

“This isn’t the corner diner,” Sonny stated.

“I know,” Noah took his eyes off of the carpet to look Sonny in the eye, “I know. I thought she might be more comfortable here.”

“Smart move,” Sonny murmured, he backed away from the front door. As Noah passed him Sonny grabbed his arm and whispered, “If you hurt her.”

Noah nodded, “I understand.” 

Raf looked up at the door to fix Noah with a look that put the fear of God into his godson, but he still nudged his daughter and indicated her visitor. 

Cat opened her mouth to greet Noah, but then she changed her mind, “Library? That okay?” she looked at her dads, who nodded. 

“Sure,” Noah replied. 

The library was small, but cozy and fitted with a fireplace. It was almost like earlier that night at the party. Almost, but not quite. Now there were no more secrets between them. Cat didn’t take a seat though, she waited for Noah to sit down first. 

“Cat… I’m sorry.”

“For?”

“I lied to you tonight. I’m sorry.”

“Okay.”

“I didn’t want to tell you that way.”

“Well, expect the unexpected.”

“I didn’t want to tell you now… you weren’t, you aren’t ready for this.”

“So you get to say that now?”

“No, Cat, that’s not what I meant.”

“What did you mean? Did you mean it?”

“That I’m in love with you, yes, I meant it. I still mean it. And I meant that you just told me a few hours ago that you wouldn’t want to date right now.”

“I’m getting a bit hysterical aren’t I?”

“No, you’re reacting quite normally. At least I think so, I don’t have much experience with all of this.”

“How long?”

“How long what?”

“How long did you keep this from me?”

“Around three years.”

Cat gasped quietly. She curled up tighter in the corner of the couch, across from Noah. 

“Fair's fair I suppose,” she whispered.

“Cat,” Noah spoke quietly, soothingly, he moved closer but didn’t touch her, “Cat, I never wanted to hurt you. I just wanted to give you space.”

“I don’t know what to say, Noah.”

“You don’t have to say anything. You don’t need to do anything. Nothing has to change.”

“Noah, things already have changed. I just don’t know what to say to make you happy.”

He barely kept himself from pulling her close and hugging her, “Cat, please look at me.”

She looked at him. It was like seeing him for the first time, or at least the first time she could remember seeing him. She trailed a hand down his face, “I am looking at you.”

“Cat,” he breathed her name so quietly, it was like a prayer. 

“I can’t be what you want right now.”

“You are everything I want. You are my friend. You will always be my best friend. I don’t need any from you right now.”

“But Noah…”

“No, Cat, please listen to me. I don’t expect or want anything. I don’t.”

“But…”

Noah opened his mouth to protest, but found his protests stopped by Cat’s face being in his personal space. She leaned in, ‘Noah, ssh.” She kissed him on the forehead. Then she pulled back, “I believe you.”


	47. Okay? Okay?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Noah and Cat lay down some ground rules, kind of.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm in procrastination station. I don't own Law and Order: SVU.

Noah was a little awestruck. 

“You still with me, Benson?” whispered Cat.

He smiled, “I’m right here, Barisi.”

Cat smiled back. 

“Okay?”

“Okay.”

“So, what do we do now?” Noah asked her, leaning back against the sofa

“Lay down some ground rules?” Cat suggested. 

Noah nodded and Cat leaned into his side, “Sounds like a plan.”

“Is this okay?” Cat asked, gesturing at their current seating positions. 

“Yeah, it’s good.”

“I don’t want to date you right now,” Noah told her, dropping a kiss on her head. 

“And you’re not just saying that to make me feel better?”

Noah looked down at Cat, “I will promise you right now, that I will work hard to never try and ‘protect’ you that way. I want to be honest with you. I don’t want anymore secrets between us.”

Cat nudged him in the shoulder, but he could tell she appreciated his words. “No more secrets,” she said, holding out a pinky for a promise. He hooked pinkies with her, chuckling at her antics.

“I don’t want you to stop feeling comfortable coming to me for anything.”

“What do you mean?”

“I want you to keep coming to me for comfort,” Noah blushed slightly. 

Cat looked at him and cuddled closer, “So, you’re still okay with cuddles?”

“I would never want to deprive you of something you need and deserve,” Noah spoke quietly and seriously. 

Cat bit her lip, “Noah, if it makes things more difficult for you…”  
“What did I say? You are important to me. I never want you to be uncomfortable.”

“But this is about us, not just me, Noah.”

“I still want you to call me.”

“So, I can still call you. We can still cuddle. You can still call me. We’ll still see each other,” Cat ticked off the rules, “What about dating?”

“I thought we established that?” Noah queried. 

“Not me and you, but well, we both know I’m probably leaving at the end of the summer to go to college. What if you find someone…” Noah moved so that they were sitting up and facing each other, “Cat, part of the reason I broke up with Tiffany aside from the cheating was because I couldn’t keep you out of my head.”

“Noah, I…”

“It’s not your fault. It was mine for getting into a relationship when I wasn’t ready to go all in with someone.”

Cat smiled a half-smile, “I’m sorry”

“You have nothing to apologize for,” Noah kissed her cheek, “What about you?”  
“What about me?”

“If you want to discuss us dating people then you’re included in that.”

“I guess I didn’t think of it that way. It’s not really on my radar right now.”

“I figured.”

“So, we take things step by step then? Discuss it when it pops up?”

“Yeah, I suppose so.”

“What do we tell the squad? What do we tell Jesse?”

“We tell them what you told me — we’re not ready to date right now. Neither of us is.”

“Will that work?”

“Should do the trick,” mused Noah. 

“So, can we talk to my dads tonight?”

“Yeah, of course. I’ll reassure Jesse, my mom, and Rita when I get back home.”

“Jesse’s probably freaking out.”

“She’ll live,” Noah sighed, “Before we talk to your dads though, there’s something else I have to tell you.”

“What is it?”

“Back before you’d told all of us about,” he swallowed, but he looked her in the eye, “your depression Raf came to talk to me and I, I…”

“Noah, what happened?”

“I may have threatened him,” he ducked his head to avoid looking at her.

The temperature in the room dropped a degree or two, “What?”

“I was angry. I snapped. I implied that he was part of the reason you felt so down on yourself.”

Cat drew in a sharp breath.

“Cat, I apologized right after. I knew it was wrong the minute it came out of my mouth.”  
“I’m glad you told me,” she said after a minute of silence, “I’m glad you apologized.”

“I know your dads are your world, Cat,” Noah whispered, putting out a hand to pull her closer for a hug, “They helped raise me too,” they lay together for a bit, “I’ll make it up to them. I promise.”

Cat kissed his cheek again. He smiled at her tentatively, “I know you will.”

“Let’s face the music then, I figure we’ve been in here long enough for them to start constructing theories and shit.”

Cat giggled but she pulled herself up and out of Noah’s arms, “Okay.”


	48. I know

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It was all a lie. 
> 
> I'm sorry.
> 
> But only a little bit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I feel like a bit of an asshole, but I also never planned on writing in romance so y'all can yell at me in the comments if you don't like it.

“Noah!” Jesse snapped her fingers in front of his face, for what looked like the four hundredth time judging by the expression on her face, “We’re leaving. Can you please take your damn coat before my arms fall off or I dump it on the floor?!”

“Rude, Jesse,” interjected Cat who appeared at the blonde’s elbow, “That coat is expensive and deserves to be treated with respect.”

“Yeah, well respect dried up like ten minutes ago while this one,” she jerked her head at Noah, “decided to zone out. News flash,” she did the spirit fingers motion as well as she could with Noah’s coat in her hands, “It’s no longer daytime so daydreaming is no longer an excusable action.”

Noah shook his head to clear it. His daydream, as Jesse was calling it, had been so vivid. But he knew, that wasn’t what had happened. After his ridiculous Cinderella comment Cat had grabbed her shoes and left the library as he had made some excuse about needing a bit more time away from the hustle and bustle. Maybe he had dozed off… All he knew was that he was in the entrance to the Ball’s venue surrounded by his family and nothing he had envisioned had happened. 

“Noah!” Jesse’s voice sounded again, sharper than before. 

“Sorry!” he replied, finally taking the coat from her, “I guess I’m really out of it.”

Cat giggled at him, shaking her head slowly, “You good now, Benson?”

“Yeah, yeah, I’m good, Barisi.”

“Cat,” Sonny called her from the doors, “The uber’s here.”

“Coming!”

She kissed both Noah and Jesse on their cheeks and went out to meet her dads. 

“I take it you didn’t tell her?” Jesse commented watching as Noah watched their friend scamper away.

“No… I, I think it’s better this way. No obligations for when she leaves.”

“Whatever, Benson.” Jesse hugged him goodnight, “Call me when you need to rant about the colour of her eyes again,” she winked at him then waved goodbye to Olivia before walking outside with her mom. 

Olivia joined him, “Did you have a good time, Noah?”

“Yeah,” he smiled half-heartedly, “It was great, mom.”

She shook her head at him, “Try to sound less enthusiastic would you — it’s too much for me right now.”

He blushed, “Sorry, I’ve just got a lot on my mind.”

They walked outside and as they waited for their uber to pull up Olivia eyed him quietly. Once they were seated inside the car she spoke, “More like someone’s on your mind a fair bit, I think.”

Noah looked at her in surprise. 

She fixed him with a smirk, “I’m not part of the NYPD for nothing you know, kid.”

“I know, I just thought…”

“You were doing quite well at hiding it, but you’ve got a friend in the legal department who ships you two,” his brow furrowed, so she clarified, “Rita. She tipped me off.”

“Well, I hope she keeps out of it. I don’t need anything and Cat certainly doesn’t need a relationship or a revelation like this right now.”

“You sure? Honesty might be preferable to hiding it, Noah.”

“She told me tonight that she wouldn’t be in a position to date.”

“Then respect her feelings, but don’t discount your own. You’ve got a tight line to walk if you want to keep things respectful for both of you.”

“I know,” he sighed, leaning his head against the car window, “I know.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Surprise! The past few chapters were a Noah Porter Benson daydream. Sorry, not sorry. At this moment I just need to refocus and remember why I started writing this in the first place, and I think bringing in the romance at this point would be too much.


	49. Cat wants to meddle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is what Cat, Sonny, and Raf really talked about after the Ball.
> 
> *Teaser chapter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own Law and Order: SVU

Cat leaned on her dad’s shoulder as they made their way through the city. She watched the lights of the city go by and just let herself be happy in the moment. “Did you have fun tonight?” Sonny asked his daughter.

“It was great,” she replied, “Did you two have fun?”

“Yeah, I’d say we did,” her dad responded. 

“Where did you and Noah disappear to after your dance?” Raf asked, shooting Sonny a glance.

Cat giggled, “You make it sound so clandestine, Papa.”

“And you avoided the question,” Sonny replied, “quite skillfully I might add.”

Cat laughed again, “Well, my parents are lawyers, what do you expect?”

“You still haven’t answered me,” Raf said, a teasing note in his voice. 

“Noah needed to talk and he wouldn’t do it in the ballroom so I brought him to the library.”  
Sonny and Raf looked at each other over Cat’s head. She noticed it this time. “What’s up?” she looked between them, pressing for an answer.

“He’s already talked to you two about this situation, hasn’t he?” Cat rolled her eyes, “Figures I would be the last to know about his crush.”

“His crush on…?” Raf prodded her, interested in her response.

“He didn’t give me a name, but he can’t make a move right now. She’s dealing with some family stuff and he also doesn’t want to ignore his friends,” she shook her head, “He’s a dork, lovable, but a dork.”

Sonny rolled his eyes internally at Noah’s inability to confess his feelings to Cat. Although, he reasoned, he really couldn’t blame the kid. It had taken him and Raf several years to get together. He could tell his husband was having similar thoughts. 

“Sounds complicated,” Sonny commented.

“It is. I’m just thankful it’s not me, honestly I couldn’t imagine dating right now,” Cat replied offhandedly.

A lightbulb went off in Sonny’s head, “Is that what you told Noah tonight?”

“Yeah, I did,” she murmured in response as they pulled up to their apartment building. 

Sonny and Raf looked at each other. That made sense to them. 

“Poor kid,” Sonny mouthed to Raf, his husband nodded and shrugged.

“I hope it works out for him though, Noah deserves to be happy,” murmured Cat as they walked onto the elevator. 

“We’ll have to wait and see, darling,” Raf said, dropping a kiss onto Cat’s head.  
“Maybe I can help him,” mused Cat.

“I would let things unfold as they will, Cat” Sonny stated, “Don’t meddle too much in things.”

“Fine,” Cat replied, swatting her dad playfully with her hand.


	50. The Barba Game Face

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A look at the morning after the ball, featuring a cameo from someone who enjoys joshing Cat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own Law and Order: SVU

The next morning found Sonny and Cat making breakfast together while Raf sipped his first of several cups of coffee. A knock sounded at their door at 9:30, just as Cat was slipping muffins into the oven, and all three of them looked at each other. Then Raf’s phone rang, “I’m sorry,” Liv’s voice came over the speakerphone, “Don’t kill me.”

Cat went to the door, “Everything okay, Liv?” Raf asked, knowing that if it was an actual emergency their conversation would have started much differently. 

“I kicked her out early,” Raf groaned, lightly hitting his head against the countertop.

“Be quiet,” Rita told him as she followed Cat into the kitchen, walking slowly eyes squinted as Cat walked over to the cabinet and grabbed the advil, while Sonny smirked at Raf who hadn’t lifted his head. He poured Rita a glass of water, which she gratefully accepted.

“Bye Liv!” Cat called as she ended the call to her godmother, making her voice extra loud. Rita glared at her, and Raf finally picked his head up, holding out a hand for Cat to high five. 

“That’s my girl,” Raf said, Cat smiled and grabbed his coffee cup to refill it. 

“So… why’d she kick you out early, Rita?” Sonny asked, not unhappy that their quiet morning had been disturbed; they’d get other ones, and hungover Rita was entertaining as all hell. 

Rita looked slightly cowed, but also a little smug, “I think I was asking too many questions.”

“About Noah?” Cat interjected, leaning toward Rita, the lawyer turned to her, eyes sharp, “I’ve been instructed not to meddle, but I’m always game to listen…” she trailed off looking at Rita hopefully. 

Rita pulled back, accepting a coffee from Sonny, “You’ve been instructed not to meddle, eh? Interesting.”

“Ugh, I’m not going to get anything from you,” Cat replied, rolling her eyes, and turning back to the cupboards to make a tea for herself while Sonny, Raf, and Rita engaged in a brief silent conversation. 

When Cat turned back she caught the tail end of it, “Why do I feel like ya’ll aren’t telling me something?”

“Ya’ll?” Sonny teased her, “Spending too much time with Amanda and Jesse, I think.”

Cat stuck out her tongue playfully at him. 

“I think this is something you’ll just have to wait to figure out, darling,” Rita replied, ruffling Cat’s hair and then taking a seat next to Raf. 

Cat’s eyes narrowed, and Rita actually gulped, “That wasn’t a challenge,” Rita rushed out quickly.

“Too late,” Sonny told her as he started making some bacon, “That right there is the Barba game face.”

“Honestly, what is my life today?” Rita groaned as Raf chuckled at her. The morning was exactly what Cat wanted, loud, bright, and fun with people she loved.

**Author's Note:**

> If you liked this please leave kudos or a comment :D


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